drifting away...

so it is christmas eve already....guess i should finish my christmas shopping today. my friend got in town lastnight and we had a great time. went downtown to eat at her favorite mexican restaurant and knocked down a few margaritas. then we came back to my house and just hung out and talked. it was cool. its been a while since we've had any time to really hang out together. and.....i got the rest of my christmas present from my hubby lastnight. i got a gameboy advance sp, which i have been wanting for a while now...and a couple games, plus i got a new video camera a couple months ago that was supposed to be my christmas present. so i am actually happy today even though i am sicker than a dog and feel like crap. i still have to run into work for a few minutes and finish up a couple of things, then finish my christmas shopping. then we are going to my dad's house to celebrate christmas with him and his wife. after that, we go to my sisters house, where we will spend the night and have christmas morning with her family and my mom. it should be fun. i love spending christmas with my family. friday i get to spend packing and then my friend's band is playing a show at the Beaumont club that night.....then saturday morning it is off to alabama to spend a week with my husband's family. Whew....its gonna be a busy couple of weeks, but i can't wait to just hang out and enjoy our families....i probably won't be writing much for the next week or so...not that anyone would miss me anyway....

Anyway, MERRY CHRISTMAS to everyone. Hope you all have a very happy holiday season and a wonderful new year!

so apparently yesterday, i did not just have a stress headache. i am sick again. i went home after work and crashed. woke up for a few minutes around 8:00 and I had a fever of 101.5 degrees. so much for getting my christmas shopping done! and today i have to work even though i feel like total crap. and it is all my bosses fault cause he came to work sick last week and i got to be the lucky one to catch it from him! :( i hope that i can get over this quickly. otherwise christmas will not be much fun this year!

today has been one of [i]those[/i] days....so much to do, so little time. knowing that i had to cram a week's work into 2 days, i actually came to work early today, thinking that i could get some stuff done before the bosses showed up. of course that didn't happen. i got here and started in early this morning, and not 5 minutes after i got here, the first boss showed up and the first thing he did was come to my desk and started telling me do [i]this[/i], do [i]that[/i], and on and on.....which kinda pissed me off. so i get his stuff done and start on my stuff again, and the second boss comes in....and i get the same thing from him. so i do some of his stuff and then try to get back to mine. i get started in yet again, ordered some lunch and then the 2nd boss decides he is ready to have the meeting that we were supposed to have at 10:00 this morning. so i have to go sit in this meeting for an hour while my lunch sits on my desk. we finally finished up at 2:00. i go back to my desk to eat and get back to work and suddenly i have a [b]HUGE[/b] stress headache. not a big surprise considering my day today, but pretty sucky anyway. so, i popped some tylenol and sucked down a mountain dew and now i'm starting to feel a little better. still have loads of work to do, but i really needed to take a break for a few minutes. i still have not finished my christmas shopping. wanted to go shopping during lunch but didn't even get a chance to get out of the office today. guess i will have to go after work if i ever get to leave! next year i must remember to start shopping earlier. ok, enough of my ranting for the day.

on a much more pleasant note, one of my best friends is coming to town for the holidays. i only get to see her a couple of times a year since she moved away. plus, she hasn't seen my new house, so i am looking forward to showing it off! she should be getting in either tonight or tomorrow and i am so excited. it's funny, you never realize how much you will miss someone until they are gone. she has been one of my best friends since i was 13 years old and she has always stood by me, even when i was being a total bitch to her. she has been a much better friend to me than i have been to her. she has helped me through a lot of shit in my life! anyway, as i said, i am so excited to see her!

well, i better stop now as my little break has become quite long and it is almost time to leave. off to the mall i go........

1. reduce my chocolate intake
2. start the low-carb diet i was supposed to start 3 months ago
3. work out 4-5 times a week
4. spend more time with my guitar
5. spend more time with my husband
6. spend less time on my computer
7. spend less time thinking about my past and more thinking about the future
8. learn java

that's all i can think of for now....but i'm sure i'll add more later.

so my boss called me today and said that it's coming time for my review....(which it is, 2 years in this hellhole)....then he says, "before we do your review i want you to sit down and write out a job description with a list of all the stuff you do." so i am thinking...great, my boss doesn't even know what i do! then i thought....hmmm, maybe that is good. if he doesn't know what i do, i can screw off a lot more than i do already. but not for the next couple of weeks....not until i get my raise of course! so i sat down and started trying to write out a list of all the stuff i do and it is rather hard. my job has kinda developed over the last 2 years. i do a lot of stuff that is totally unrelated. whenever something new comes up, i seem to be the one that it gets thrown on. no wonder my boss doesn't know what i do! it may take me a while to complete my list. i am thinking that maybe i should add some extra stuff in there so he thinks that i do more than i really do and give me an even bigger raise...*pondering the possibilities*....

i can't believe that christmas is coming up so fast. i just realized today that i only really have 3 days left of work and i have a shitload of stuff to get done...so why am i wasting my time on here, you might ask....cause it is more fun than working! seriously though, i really have a lot to get done. i am [i]FINALLY[/i] taking some vacation time this year and i will be gone from work from Dec. 24th until Jan 5th. it will be so nice to have a break, but there is so much stuff that i have to do at the end of the year! tomorrow is our big office holiday party so i'm sure not much will get done then. plus, i still have tons of christmas shopping to do. i always seem to put it off until the last minute. i braved toys 'r' us at lunch today....not a fun place to be. but at least i didn't have to do it on saturday!

hmmm....damn....my phone rang and i forgot what else i was gonna write....maybe i'll think of it later....

i am feeling very blah today.....i am beginning to think that it is the time of year.....seems like i always get restless around this time....like there should be more going on in my life than there is....yet there is so much going on in my life right now that i can barely keep up with it....i guess i am just bored with it....this time of year i always get the feeling that i just need to leave everything behind and start over....i did that once and it didn't really have the effect that i wanted....well, it did for a while....then life got boring again....i just wish that i could not feel like that....i just want to run away....it seems easier than dealing with life sometimes....not that my life is bad....it is actually pretty good....i just wish that i could keep all the fun stuff and get rid of all the day-to-day mundane shit....i love my friends and family but sometimes i would just like to be on my own....with no one else around....no one to answer to...no one to care what i am doing and when i am doing it....if i could just sneak away to a quiet, deserted island....a little solace offered by silence....how nice to dream....

well, to go with my mood today, here are the lyrics from the song "Lost" by Sarah McLachlan....

By the shadows of the night I go
I moved away from the crowded room
That sea of shallow faces masked in warm regret
They don't know how to feel, they don't know what is lost
[CHORUS]
Lost in the darkness of a land
Where all the hope that's offered is
Memories of being taken by the hand
And we are led into the sun
But I don't have a hold on what is real
Though we can only try
What is there to give or to believe
I want it all to go away I want to be alone
Sympathy's wasted on my hollow shell
I feel there's nothing left to fight for
No reason for a cause
And I can't hear your voice and I can't feel you near
[CHORUS]
I wanted a change knowing all I could do was try
I was looking for someone...

well, here i am again. i am slightly bored today as you may be able to tell. i am trying to listen to Christmas music to put me in the holiday spirit, but it is just not working. i heard this Jack Johnson song while i was in the car today and can't get it out of my head...so here are the lyrics:

"Taylor"

Taylor was a good girl
never one to be late
complain express ideas in her brain
Workin on the night shift
passin out the tickets
you're gonna have to pay her
if you want to park here.
Well mommy's little dancer's
quite a little secret
workin on the streets now
never gonna keep it.
It's quite an imposition
And now she's only wishin'
That she would have listened
To the words they said.
Poor Taylor.

Well she just wonders around
uneffected by
the winter winds, yeah
and she'll pretend that
well she's somewhere else
so far and clear
about 2,000 miles from here.

Peter Patrick pitter patters on the window
And Sunny's silhouette won't let him in
and poor old Pete's got nothin 'cause he's been fallin'
but somehow Sunny knows just where he's been
He thinks that singin' on a Sunday's gunna save his soul
but now that Saturday's gone
Well somehow he thinks that he's on his way
but I can see, that his break lights are on

And he just wonders around
uneffected by
the winter winds, yeah
and he'll pretend that
well he's somewhere else
so far and clear
about 2,000 miles from here.

She's such a tough enchilada
filled up with nada
givin' what she got to give to get dollar bills
she used to be a limber chick
time's a been tickin'
now she's finger lickin to the man
with the money in his pockets
flyin in his rocket
only stoppin by on his way to a better world
if Taylor finds a better world
Taylor's gunna run away

That is my thought for the day. Today is my mom's chemo day. She is going through cancer treatments for the 2nd time. She was originally diagnosed a little over 4 years ago. She went through several surgeries, chemo and radiation back then. Then went about 3 1/2 years being fairly healthy. Now she has been diagnosed with a re-occurance of the cancer. She had another surgey to remove the tumor and is undergoing chemo treatments again. She is about 2/3 of the way through her treatments now and is hanging in, but it is really wearing on her. Today is her chemo day and I hate it. On chemo days I pick her up and bring her to work (we work in the same office), then I take her to the cancer clinic for her treatment. At lunch, I usually go pick up something and take her lunch and sit with her in the infusion room for a while. I go back to work, then when she is finished, go pick her up and take her home. It is just so depressing. I think I am really blessed that I am able to help her out in this way, but I hate that she has to go through this again. The last time that she went through treatments, I was not able to be around much because I was away at college. This time, I am here to see first-hand what it is doing to her. I hate the cells in her body that do this to her. I really wish they would find a cure for cancer. So many wonderful people are suffering from this disease. It is very sad to look around at the cancer clinic and see all the people that are there for treatments. They range in age from 20s to probably 80s at least. All of these people with friends and families and a life that they are not being allowed to enjoy. It sucks to think of how this disease affects people. I mean really, who wants to give up 6 months or a year or more of their life to go through chemo treatments and be sick and tired everyday, lose every hair on their body, and go through what i can only imagine is pure hell, only to [b][i]hope[/i][/b] that it will keep the cancer at bay and let them live a little longer. I know I don't want to ever go through it. I wish no one had to. Cancer SUCKS!!!!!

...a little bit about me...so you all can get to know me better....come on, i know you want to....

1. IF YOU COULD BUILD A HOUSE ANYWHERE, WHERE WOULD IT BE?
on the edge of a white sand beach with no other houses for miles....

2. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE ARTICLE OF CLOTHING
my godsmack hoodie

3. FAVORITE PHYSICAL FEATURE OF THE OPPOSITE SEX?
eyes, lips, and the area just below the hip bone...sorry can't pick just one.....

4. WHAT'S THE LAST CD THAT YOU BOUGHT?
Pearl Jam-Lost Dogs

5. WHERE'S YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO BE?
my bed

6. WHERE'S YOUR LEAST FAVORITE PLACE TO BE?
work

7. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO BE MASSAGED?
shoulders and neck and.....

8. WHAT'S MOST IMPORTANT, STRONG IN MIND OR STRONG IN BODY?
mind, but strong in body can be very good too ;-)

9. WHAT TIME DO YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING?
7:00 a.m.

10. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE KITCHEN APPLIANCE?
the dishwasher

11. WHAT MAKES YOU REALLY ANGRY?
too many things to list.....

12. IF YOU COULD PLAY ANY INSTRUMENT, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
guitar

13. FAVORITE COLOR?
purple or yellow

14. WHICH DO YOU PREFER, SPORTS CAR OR SUV?
SUV

15. DO YOU BELIEVE IN AFTERLIFE?
Yes

16. FAVORITE CHILDREN'S BOOK?
i'm supposed to remember that?

17. YOUR FAVORITE SEASON?
spring...when its not raining

18. WHAT'S YOUR LEAST FAVORITE HOUSEHOLD CHORE?
everything

19. IF YOU COULD HAVE ONE SUPER POWER, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
control time.....stop it, rewind, and fast forward

20. IF YOU HAVE A TATTOO, WHAT IS IT?
tiger

21. CAN YOU JUGGLE?
no

22. NAME THE ONE PERSON FROM YOUR PAST YOU WISH YOU COULD GO BACK AND TALK WITH?
hmmm...so many to choose from...i think my Grandma A.

23. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE DAY?
Friday night/Saturday morning

24. WHAT'S LYING ON YOUR DRESSER RIGHT NOW?
TV, clothes, jewelry box, money

25. WHICH DO YOU PREFER, SUSHI OR HAMBURGER?
hamburger

26. FROM THE PEOPLE YOU EMAILED THIS TO, WHO'S MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
didn't e-mail it

27. WHO'S LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
see above

28. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FLOWER?
yellow rose

29. IF YOU COULD PICK WHAT YOU DO FOR A LIVING, WHAT WOULD YOU DO?
be in a kick-ass rock band and tour the world....or be a psychiatrist who treats people in kick-ass rock bands (cause you know they all need it...)

30. WHEN IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND WHAT YEAR WERE YOU BORN.
february 10, 1978

i must have bloggers block. for once i have nothing to say. and it has been going on for 3 days now. even when i do have something to say, nothing comes out. hmmmm....this is rather annoying. and probably even more annoying for the people reading. some days i could just go on forever and other days i can't write anything. so i thought if i started typing that maybe i could come up with something interesting to say, but that doesn't seem to be working either. so here i am typing about nothing. guess i will give up for now. maybe tomorrow will be better...... :roll:

just some funnies to make your day a little...umm...brighter.....
[image]hardtoimagine_3008 48782.jpg[/image]

why is it that when a man gets sick he suddenly reverts back to when he was a 2-year old kid and can't do anything for himself....not to mention the whining....i wish someone would explain this to me....when i am sick i still have to get up and do things for myself and usually even go into work (unless i am [i]really[/i] sick)....but my husband....he can't do a damn thing for himself cause he was sick [i]lastnight[/i]....he even wanted to kennel the dog today cause he didn't think he would be able to take him outside when he needed to go....

ok, i'm done....just needed to rant for a little bit.... :x

well in the interest boredom today i have added a couple new things to my site....first of all, i have added a "random lyrics" section....each time you come to the page, it should have something new....AND....you can add lyrics to it if you would like by clicking on the link at the top....so feel free to add whatever you like....i saw this on someone else's blog today but i can't remember who it was, so if you know send me a message so i can give the appropriate thanks....secondly, i am adding (in a few minutes) a pass-it-on button so if you like my site....click the button to pass it on to your friends....

so i was not able to get to work....bummer....i was on my way....then my car got stuck in my own freakin' driveway.... :oops: .....i have a rather long driveway, partially paved, partially gravel....so i pulled out of the garage onto the paved part and started backing up...that part went fine.....then i had to stop and turn the car to get up the gravel part (which is uphill)...that is where i got stuck with my wheels spinning....so i had to get out and shovel the snow....decided it would be best to go ahead and shovel all the way back up to the garage....then put some cat litter around the wheels for a little traction and finally was able to pull it back into the garage....so after about an hour of work....i am sitting my butt at home for the day....which is really what i wanted in the first place....just didn't want to have to put so much work in to do it.... :roll:

[image]hardtoimagine_1301 222143.jpg[/image]
so this is the view from my back yard this morning....we got a little snow but not as much as i wanted.. :cry: ..i still have to go to work, but i am making it a late morning as i do not want to fight the traffic....maybe i'll go in around 11 or 12....

i was watching tv lastnight and as i flipped through the channels, the movie Dumb and Dumber was on....every time i see this movie it reminds me of the first time i watched it back in high school....it was a very funny movie, but what made it even funnier to me was that the 2 main characters in the movie reminded me so much of my boyfriend (who would later become my ex-husband) and his best friend....my boyfriend was skinny and had brown hair and his best friend was a big blond guy....they weren't really dumb, but they just acted crazy all the time....it makes me laugh when i watch this movie cause it reminds me of them and all the fun times we had together....fond memories to say the least....thanks for the laughs guys....

i'm not feeling very talkative today....do you ever have those days where you just want to sit by yourself and not speak to anyone???...that's the kind of day i'm having but people keep wanting to talk to me....my phone has been ringing off the hook all day long...of course if i did want to talk no one would call....

it is supposed to snow here tonight....i just heard 2-4 inches on the radio....i am hoping for more.....enough to snow me in so i can't leave my house tomorrow and i can stay and work from home instead of coming into this miserable office....that would be nice....but not likely to happen....but i am taking work home with me just in case....

i was hanging out at my friends' house lastnight and found out that they are most likely splitting up....they have been having problems for a while but have tried to stick it out....she drinks too much....he is bi-polar and smokes too much weed....they fight about it all the time, but neither one wants to give up their addiction....they have both told me individually that they still really love each other, but that they just can't deal with the fighting and stress anymore....and they have 4 kids at home to take care of....it just makes me really sad....i love the whole family like they were my own and hate to see this happen to them....although maybe it will work out for the best....hard to tell at this point....anyway, this song has been going through my head all morning....dedicated to my friends....

My Friends....Red Hot Chili Peppers

My friends are so depressed
I feel the question of your loneliness
Confide...'cause I'll be on your side
You know I will, you know I will

Ex-girlfriend called me up
Alone and desperate on the prison phone
They want to give her seven years
For being sad

I love all of you
Hurt by the cold
So hard and lonely too
When you don't know yourself

My friends are so distressed
And standing on the brink of emptiness
No words I know of to express
This emptiness

I love all of you
Hurt by the cold
So hard and lonley too
When you don't know yourself

Imagine me, taught by tragedy
Release is peace

I heard a little girl
And what she said was something beautiful
To give your love no matter what
Is what she said

I love all of you
Hurt by the cold
So hard and lonely too
When you don't know yourself

[i][b]work pisses me off[/b][/i]....that's all i have to say.... :evil:

[image]hardtoimagine_1910 24065.jpg[/image]
this is how i feel today....lazy....although i have actually done quite a lot....this is what i wish i was doing....but instead the dog gets to do it while i work my butt off....

and if you were wondering, no this is not a posed picture....he likes to crawl under the covers and sleep and just happened to have a pillow there to lay his head on....he is such a funny puppy.....

so i am having a great day today for a change....got to sleep in late, which was very nice....got up and had to run some errands....then i came home and started painting my kitchen.....watched a movie while i was waiting for the 1st coat of paint to dry...painted a second coat....and now i am playing on my computer.... obviously....i know it doesn't seem like much of a day, but i am enjoying it nevertheless...i think after i am done with this i will go play my guitar for a while....i love weekends when i don't have to do anything....it is so nice...the most amazing thing about today is that me and my husband are both in a good mood on the same day....that hasn't happened for a while....but it is very nice....hmmmm....i guess that is about all i have to say....

one more thing....while i was painting today i was jamming to some Bad Company...sometimes i wonder what ever happend to the good old-fashioned rock 'n' roll....so much of the music coming out these days is just copy cat crap.... maybe some of the new bands should go back and listen to the "old school" bands and remind themselves of what real music is....just a thought....

oh yeah....and could somebody please leave me some comments?????....i know you're reading cause i have [b]lots[/b] of hits....

i don't really have much to say....i am so bored...and i want to go home cause i hate being at work lately....i have been spending way too much time on the internet cause i don't want to do my work....and the work is starting to pile up....but i would rather write about my boring day so you people can read it than actually do any of my work....hope i get some motivation soon cause my vacation is coming up and i really need to get caught up before then....

new topic

i have been feeling depressed lately....but i'm not sure what about....my life seems to be really good right now....maybe it is just the weather....winter is always kinda depressing cause it seems like it is always dark and dreary outside....and by the time i get off work it is already dark outside which really sucks....come to think of it there is one thing that really depresses me and makes me sad....but, i can't talk about it....maybe someday but not now....the thing i can't talk about is probably contributing to my moods lately....hmmmm....if i could just stop thinking about it....but i can't....wish i could turn my mind off sometimes....once i get something in my head i just can't get it out....reminds me of a line in a Sarah McLachlan song..."you will find the answer if you let it go"....really wish i could let go sometimes....

not much to say really, but i was listening to Sarah McLachlan's new cd [i]Afterglow[/i] tonight on my way home and this song struck me so i thought i would share....no special meaning....i just really like it....

"Answer"

I will be the answer
At the end of the line
I will be there for you
While you take the time
In the burning of uncertainty
I will be your solid ground
I will hold the balance
If you can't look down

If it takes my whole life
I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all gone out
You'll still be burning so bright

Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind
Take me to a
Place so holy
That I can wash this from my mind
The memory of choosing not to fight

If it takes my whole life
I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
'Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all burned out
You'll still be burning so bright

Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind

so it is snowing....i hate snow....actually its not so much that i hate the snow, but that i have to go places when it is snowing....i would rather stay home and watch it out the window....plus, i really hate driving in it because there are so many people on the roads that freak out when it snows and either drive [i]super[/i] slow or drive crazy and cause wrecks....days like this just make me want to go home, get a good fire going in the fireplace, and curl up on the couch with a good book or movie....

but, regardless of the snow, i have a feeling that today is going to be a good day....i have lots of work to do today, but i'm actually in the mood to work today (which doesn't happen often)....if i can stay away from tblog today....i think i'm becoming addicted....

anyway, have a great day....maybe i'll write more later....

it really sucks when you are sad or hurting about something or someone and because of certain situations you can't even talk to anyone about the pain you are feeling........and you wish you could just make it go away and not feel anymore...... :cry:

my nephew turned 4 on sunday....i can't believe he is that old already....and i can't believe how things have changed in my life in those 4 years....here are just a few of the major things that have happened to me (and my family) in the last 4 years (in somewhat chronological order):

my mom was diagnosed with cancer
my nephew was born
my ex-husband and i split up
i graduated from college
i started a new job
i got divorced
my parents got divorced
my brother graduated from HS
i met my future husband
my best friend moved far, far, away
i got laid off from my job and started another new one
i got married
my husband got laid off from his job
my sister got married
my mom was diagnosed with cancer for the 2nd time
my dad re-married

that is the major stuff....of course there is a lot that was left out....may not seem like much when it is listed out, but all of that stuff has changed my life in so many ways....it is just hard to imagine that it all happened in such a short time in my life....

it's been a few days since i blogged....so i figured its about time to give you all something new to read....the last few days have seemed like a rollercoaster ride for me....i think it is odd how things in your life can change your mood and emotions so quickly....yesterday, for example, started off pretty good. i had to get up early and take my car to the shop which kinda sucked, but then I got to ride to work with my husband and spend some extra time with him which was kinda nice....then, I got to work and my phone rang and it was a radio station that wanted to put me on the air. i had sent in an e-mail about my mom, who is going through cancer treatments for the 2nd time, cause they do this really cool thing at christmas time where they try to get the other listeners to help people out who are in need....anyway, so i had sent in this e-mail to the radio station cause my mom really wants a kitten, but because of all her medical bills and stuff she can't afford the pet deposit and all the shots, neutering, and stuff that you have to do for a cat. and they called and said that they wanted to help out my mom and put me on the air....which was really cool....so i was on the radio and several people called in wanting to help out and make donations which just made my heart melt...i was so happy and almost in tears because of these wonderful people.........then right after that happened and i was all warm and fuzzy, my boss came in and started loading stuff up on me, which kinda pissed me off....then i had to go get my car licensed and had to wait for almost 2 hours at the dmv....by the time i got out of there, i was not at all in a good mood....had to come back to work for a while and was still in a bad mood when i left....then i went home and my puppy was so happy to see me and just wanted to cuddle with me all night, which put me back in a good mood....

anyway, that is how the last few days have been for me....something good happens, then something bad happens and my moods are just up and down and up and down....i wish i could just stay happy!!!! :?