drifting away...

Have a great weekend everybody!!!!

Yeah, that's it..... :D

i think i am becoming a tblog junkie....i think if i added up my time this week i have spent more time on tblog than actually working....i don't think that is a good sign....i think i'm a tblogaholic....*stands up* hello, my name is hardtoimagine and i have an addiction to tblog *sits back down and feels relieved*.....

I am quickly becoming an Evanescence fan. I never really listened to them until the last couple of weeks. Amy's voice is absolutely freakin amazing. I could just sit here and close my eyes and get completely drawn into the music. Why didn't I catch on sooner? If you haven't listened to them, you should. If nothing else just to hear her voice!

Hmmm....not much to blog about so far today. For some reason I am just in a really good mood today. It is Friday, which means the beginning of what I am hoping will be a great weekend. Visiting my grandparents tonight and Saturday morning. Then the long drive back home. Then......band party Saturday night....Super Bowl party on Sunday. And.....I want to be a rockstar!!!! Too bad I will not be home enough to play my guitar this weekend. :wink:

Well, this is gonna be a bit of a bitch blog today I am sorry to say. Just have a few things that I need to get out.

1.) Men are irritating! This will not be much of a shock to all of you women out there. This is what set me off. My husband, who I love very much, gets mad at me when I don't spend enough time with him. But, it is almost always when I am on my computer that he seems to get upset about it. As long as he is playing his video games or his guitar or something, it is ok for me to be doing something else. But, when he is ready to spend time with me, I am supposed to just drop everything that I am doing and hang out with him. I have a bit of a problem with this. You see, he gets home from work about an hour to two hours before me. When he gets home, he gets to relax and do whatever he wants until I get there with no interruptions. So, when I get home, I kinda need that time to relax too and do my stuff. When I am finished, I am more than happy to spend the rest of the evening hanging out together. This is not good enough for him. He wants all my attention all the time! So we have the same argument about every 2 or 3 weeks. He says I don't spend enough time with him and he misses me and he is lonely. I say, I have a right to have a little time to myself! We always stop at a dead end and can never come to a solution. It just keeps cycling over and over again. Does anyone have any suggestions???? I just don't know what to do about it anymore. He always apologizes and it blows over, but I know it will come back again.

2.) I was told 3 weeks ago that I was getting a raise. I still have not been told how much it will be or when I am getting it for sure. My two bosses, who are partners, have been fighting and may be splitting up the company. If this happens, I don't know what will happen to my raise. I really need this raise!!! It was going to pay for my guitar lessons and I was really looking forward to that. Plus, I could really use some extra money to help pay off my medical bills right now. I hate not knowing what is going on!!!!

3.) I am really worried about my grandparents. (See blog from yesterday if you don't know what I'm talking about) The more I talk to my mom and Aunt about it, the more worried I am getting. I really think they need some outside services to help take care of them. My Aunt just can't do it all and the rest of us are too far away. Maybe some Meals On Wheels and Home Healthcare services. I know these are available, I just don't know if my Grandpa's doctor is aware that they need it. I just don't think that my Grandma is capable of taking care of him and feeding him, giving him his meds and stuff. They just don't have the money to move into an assisted living environment or anything. I wish there was something I could do.

If you have been reading my blog for a while, you know that my mom has cancer. What you don't know is that my Grandpa (my mom's father) also has cancer. He has been fighting it for a while, but by the time it was found, it was already into his bones. Apparently he has a very aggressive type that moves quickly throughout the body. He was doing chemo for a while, but each time they tested his PSA levels they found that the chemo was not doing any good. A couple months ago they decided to stop the chemo treatments. Since all of this has been going on, he has become very depressed and withdrawn. Now you would have to know my Grandpa to understand how much this is affecting him. He normally is a very fun-loving, happy person. He loves to make jokes and laugh and spend as much time as possible with his friends and family. Recently, he does not even want to talk to anyone, including my Grandma. He stays in bed all day, barely eats, and refuses to go anywhere. My Aunt called my mom this morning and was telling her that my Grandma is starting to lose it too. My Grandma doesn't drive, so my Aunt goes and picks her up and takes her to the grocery store, pharmacy, etc. to get whatever she needs. She helps her pick out food that would be easy for her to fix for Grandpa. But, apparently my Grandma has not even been cooking for him. My Aunt went over to visit and all of the food that she bought 2 weeks before was still in the fridge. Yet, my Grandma tells her that she cooked it for him. Doesn't make a lot of sense. Then, my Grandma has started telling my Aunt all kinds of stories about my mom and her sisters, but she acts like my Aunt doesn't know who any of them are. It is really weird. I am really worried about both of them now. I don't see them very often as they live about 3 hours away from me, but I just hate that this is happening. My mom is going to visit this weekend and asked me to come along. I can't decide whether I should go or not. My husband cannot go with us as he is on call for his job this weekend so it would just be me and my mom. I feel like I am being selfish if I don't go. My mom should not be driving that far by herself anyway. The other thing going on is that my cousin's wife just found out that she has breast cancer. She is having surgery tomorrow to have the lumps removed. She will still be in the hospital on Saturday, and I would like to go and see her and see how she is doing. If I go with my mom, I would be able to go visit them for a while too. I guess I should quit being selfish and just go with her. I would be giving up a nice, quiet weekend with my husband, but I would get to see my family that I have not seen for a while and I don't really know how many more chances I will have to see my Grandpa. I hate now knowing what to do....

Sorry if this is a little confusing and hard to read...I just needed to get it off my chest.....

I was watching American Idol lastnight cause there was nothing better on and a couple of times when Simon was undecided whether someone should get the chance to go further in the competition, he would ask them what they would do with the million dollars if they won. Then he would make his decision based on the answer they gave. So this got me thinking....what would my answer be? Of course, I have thought of this before....who hasn't? Here is what I would do with the money.

10% would be donated to my church and other charities
I would buy myself a nice house
New furniture for my new house
New cars for me and my husband
Take a month long vacation around the world
Set up a college fund for my nephew
Invest the rest for retirement

Honestly, this is what I would do. I have thought this out many, many times....every time I play Powerball! However, I'm not sure that 1 million would cover everything I want to do. What would you do if a million was suddenly dropped in your lap?

I heard on the radio today that it is Sarah McLachlan's 36th birthday. She is without a doubt my favorite female singer. Her voice just amazes me. I'm not sure what it is, but no matter what mood I am in I can listen to her music and it always cheers me up. So, in honor of her birthday, I wanted to post one of my favorite songs. This song really helped me get through my high school/teenage years and still remains my all-time favorite Sarah song.

Elsewhere by Sarah McLachlan

I love the time and in between
the calm inside me
in the space where I can breathe
I believe there is a
distance I have wandered
to touch upon the years of
reaching out and reaching in
holding out holding in
I believe
this is heaven to no one else but me
and I'll defend it as long as I can be
left here to linger in silence
if I choose to
would you try to understand
I know this love is passing time
passing through like liquid
I am drunk in my desire...
but I love the way you smile at me
I love the way your hands reach out and hold me near...
I believe...
I believe
this is heaven to no one else but me
and I'll defend it as long as
I can be left here to linger in silence
if I choose to
would you try to understand
Oh the quiet child awaits the day when she can break free
the mold that clings like desperation
Mother can't you see I've got
to live my life the way I feel is right for me
might not be right for you but it's right for me...
I believe...
I believe
this is heaven to no one else but me
and I'll defend it as long as
I can be left here to linger in silence
if I choose to
would you try to understand it
I would like to linger here in silence
if I choose to
would you understand it
would you try to understand...

i have discovered that i have absolutely no willpower whatsoever. i am supposed to be dieting, but it is Girl Scout Cookie season....and someone left 2 boxes of Thin Mints in the kitchen to share....and i broke down and ate 4. i am so bad at dieting!!! i guess that is another 1/2 mile or so of running tonight!

I just heard this song on the radio and I am bored so I am going to post the lyrics. I was never really interested in the Indigo Girls until a few years ago. I remember my cousin used to always listen to them, but for some reason I never did. A few years ago, I decided to pick up one of their cd's and I loved it. "Closer to Fine" is one of my all-time favorite songs. It kinda reminds me of my life sometimes.

Closer to Fine by Indigo Girls

I'm trying to tell you something about my life
Maybe give me insight between black and white
The best thing you've ever done for me
Is to help me take my life less seriously, it's only life after all
Well darkness has a hunger that's insatiable
And lightness has a call that's hard to hear
I wrap my fear around me like a blanket
I sailed my ship of safety till I sank it, I'm crawling on your shore.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain
There's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine.

I went to see the doctor of philosophy
With a poster of Rasputin and a beard down to his knee
He never did marry or see a B-grade movie
He graded my performance, he said he could see through me
I spent four years prostrate to the higher mind, got my paper
And I was free.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain
There's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine.

I stopped by the bar at 3 a.m.
To seek solace in a bottle or possibly a friend
I woke up with a headache like my head against a board
Twice as cloudy as I'd been the night before
I went in seeking clarity.


I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain
There's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain
There's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine.

We go to the bible, we go through the workout
We read up on revival and we stand up for the lookout
There's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in a crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine
The closer I am to fine
The closer I am to fine

Today is my mom's last day of chemo. I am so happy for her. The last few weeks have been the worst of the entire 6 months that she has been doing this. I really hope she will start feeling better soon!

When I was in college I had this friend named Jill. When we first met, we didn't care much for each other. In fact, I thought she was a total stuck-up bitch, and she thought the same of me. We ended up spending quite a bit of time together though because our boyfriends were friends. As time went on, we started getting to know each other a little better. Eventually, we ended up living in the same apartment complex. One day I was talking to her about how I went for a 4-mile walk every day and she said she would like to go with me, so we started walking together. As we walked, we started talking about our childhoods, where we grew up, and of course about the guys. We found that we really had a lot in common. In fact, we discovered that we had been through many experiences that were exactly the same. This was very unusual to me because I had never in my life met someone who was so much like me! We quickly became best friends. I couldn't believe that I had spent so much time hating someone that was so cool. I would guess that if I have a female soul mate out in the world, it would be her. We spent as much time as possible together, and eventually even worked together. She was absolutely the best friend I have ever had. We could practically read each other's minds. When I got divorced, she was there for me. She was so supportive. When I graduated from college, I moved back to KC, but I still went back and hung out with her on the weekends. When she was close to graduating, she moved to Las Vegas to take an internship position. She loved it out there and loved her job, so when she was offered a full-time position, she ended up staying. We didn't stay in great contact, but every few months we would have a 2 or 3 hour phone conversation and it would seem like we had never been apart. About 2 1/2 years ago, I took a trip out there to visit. We had a wonderful time together, and again, you would never know we had been apart. I was so happy to see her and she seemed very happy to see me too. When I was about to get on the plane to go home, she gave me a huge hug and said she was coming home for christmas and that she would call me so we could get together. Well, christmas came and I never heard from her. I tried to call, but her phone had been disconnected. I called her parents, who told me that she had moved and gave me her new number. I called and left message after message, but she never called back. I tried writing a letter, but it was returned due to no forwarding address. About a year ago, I found her work e-mail address on the internet so I tried to write to her. Again, no response. It kills me that I cannot get in touch with her and that I have lost such a great friend. I miss her so much. I have no idea why she would not want to talk to me anymore.

Anyway, what brought all of this up was that I heard the song "cornflake girl" on the radio yesterday. Jill was a huge Tori Amos fan. She introduced me to her music and I soon became a fan also. When I heard this song it reminded me of Jill. I always kinda think of her as a "cornflake girl" in a way. Even though it hurts that she won't return my calls or e-mail, I hope that someday we are reunited and that we can be the friends that we once were.

So, for Jill...

Cornflake Girl by Tori Amos

never was a cornflake girl
thought that was a good solution
hangin with the raisin girls
she's gone to the other side
givin us a yo heave ho
things are getting kind of gross
and i go at sleepy time
this is not really happening
you bet your life it is

peel out the watchword just peel out the watchword

she knows what's going on
seems we got a cheaper feel now
all the sweeteaze are gone
gone to the other side
with my encyclopedia
they musta paid her a nice price
she's puttin on her string bean love
this is not really happening
you bet your life it is

rabbit where'd you put the keys girl
and the man with the golden gun
thinks he knows so much
thinks he knows so much
rabbit where'd you put the keys girl

i just looked out the window and it is snowing like crazy....and still another hour to go before i can leave. the drive home is gonna be a major bitch!!!!

Well, I am very proud of myself today. I have actually been working very hard today and getting stuff done. No slacking off so far! Well, now I am, but I'm taking my lunch break so its ok. And...speaking of lunch...my diet & workout routine officially starts today. I am serious this time. I'm really gonna do it...even if I have to do my workout at home, I will do it!

We had a nice little ice storm here Saturday night. It really wasn't that bad. The roads were pretty clear, but I think you could put on some skates and go iceskating on my driveway! One of the things that I love about my house is that we have a really nice, two car garage. The only problem is that when you leave this nice two car garage, there is a nice steep hill that you have to get up in order to get to the street. I have discovered that even the slightest bit of ice on this hill causes me quite a problem. Yesterday was the third time so far this winter that my little car has been stuck at the bottom of the hill. I have decided that from now on, when it is supposed to rain and it is cold enough to freeze, that I will not park in my nice warm garage. Instead I will leave my car out in front of the house to brave the weather so I am able to leave my house the next day. Which means that once again, I have to scrape the ice and snow from my windows and let my car warm up forever before it is ready to go in the mornings. I was really looking forward to not having to do this anymore! And, of course, it is snowing now, so I probably have a couple days of this to look forward to. I hate snow!!! :x

I have decided that I really need some motivation in my life. I'm not sure where to find it, but I really need to change the way I am doing things. I feel like I am in a major slump right now. I have all these things I want to do, but when it comes time to do it I am just too lazy. This is affecting all aspects of my life. At work, I have this big list of things to do, but for some reason I just don't want to do it. Usually, I love keeping busy at work. The more I accomplish during the day, the better I feel. At home I am just not keeping up with the housework...the dishes and laundry, cleaning, etc. I just don't want to do it. I just want to sit around and watch tv or work on my websites. I have not even been practicing my guitar lately. I want to, it just seems I don't have the energy. My biggest lack of motivation comes when it is time for my workout. I have been really slacking in that department. I was supposed to really get back into it after the first of the year and so far I haven't. I really want to get in better shape before the summer, and definitely before my trip to Hawaii in August. But, as I said....no motivation. I feel so lazy. If anyone has any suggestions, please share. I have got to get myself back in gear or I can see this really becoming a problem!

Does anyone actually like my question of the day thing? I don't get a whole lot of responses, so I am just wondering. I think I may stop posting them...

The final votes have been tallied. Please see the entry from 1/19 for the results. Thanks to everyone who contributed a vote!

As I was flipping channels lastinight, I saw an Ill Nino video. I really haven't listened to these guys in a while, but I really dig their music. I've seen them in concert a couple of times and they just kick all kinds of ass. Anyway, I just thought I would post the lyrics to one of my favorite Ill Nino songs, Unreal.

Ill Nino-Unreal

Separate your mind
Overcome in time
I'm taking what is mine
Tenemos que pelear

Nothing is all, I thought I was there
I'm finding myself going nowhere
Is this a mistake?
I cannot relate to what is fake

Is this what I get for learning to speak?
For opening eyes and digging in deep?
Is this what I get for being reborn from the norm?

I don't want to shine; light will make us blind
I don't want to feel unreal
What have I become, born under the sun?
Planets will converge for you

I'll try to break you!

What would it take to not look away?
To open my eyes and stare in the face
To learn from what's real
I'm trying to deal, but it's worthless:

Is this what I get for learning to speak?
For opening eyes and digging in deep?
Is this what I get for being reborn from the norm?

I don't want to shine; light will make us blind
I don't want to feel unreal
What have I become, born under the sun?
Planets will converge for you

Pushing and grinding is twisting my mind frame
El tempo que pesa nos tumba la mesa
Y ahora que es nuestro, mi vida te apuesto,
Bet my life!

I don't want to shine; light will make us blind
I don't want to feel unreal
What have I become, born under the sun?
Planets will converge for you

I don't want to feel!
I don't want to shine!
I don't want to feel!
Light will make us blind
I don't want to feel unreal

I'm not sure exactly what is going on with me today. I cannot make myself work no matter what I do. I have a growing list of things that I am getting behind on, but I just can't force myself to do anything. I just want to sit here and stare off into space and do nothing. well, actually that's not true. I would much rather be in bed asleep!

Lastnight I went to see Along Came Polly. It was kinda cute, although not the best movie I have ever seen. Ben Stiller is cool, but I'm not really a big Jennifer Aniston fan. Anyway, so we get home after the movie and my dog was very unhappy with us for leaving him home alone for so long. Of course, then he became very, very hyper and was ready to play. But, we were ready to go to sleep. So, to show us his disapproval, he decided that he would spend all night jumping on and off the bed. Which of course woke me up every time. Put me in a wonderful mood for the day!

I have been thinking a lot today about my mom. She just amazes me sometimes with how strong of a person she can be. When I was younger, I didn't think much of my mom. She was there. She took care of me. She took me shopping and bought me stuff. That was about it. We never had much of a relationship. I was always more of a daddy's girl. Then one day everything changed. My mom and dad separated. Rumor was that my mom cheated, but I guess I'll never really know the truth behind that. I went for about a year or so without even speaking to my mom unless I absolutely had to.
I was so pissed at her for hurting my dad. Shortly after that, she found out that she had cancer. This was quite a shock to our whole family. I guess you are never really prepared for something like that. At the time, I was away at college so I really didn't see what was going on. I knew she was sick and going through chemo. I watched as she lost her hair and became pale as a ghost. I was sad for her and prayed that she would make it through everything ok, but it still seemed to have little effect on my life. I was caught up in my own world at the time. I was about to graduate from college. I began having problems with my marriage. It seemed as though I had the world at my fingertips and at the same time everything was crumbling down around me. I made it to graduation and the only person from my family to show up was my dad. He was always there when I needed him. The same night my husband packed up all of his stuff and moved out of our apartment. At the time I thought I wanted him to leave. The funny thing was, I didn't want my dad there. For some strange reason, I just really needed to be with my mom. During the next couple of weeks, I went to stay with my mom. We talked for hours on end. I guess I finally began to realize that she was just as human as me. We discussed life, marriage, relationships, and everything else you could possibly imagine. She became my total source of support during a very lonely time in my life. Since then, we have become closer than I ever could have imagined. I have learned things about her that I never would have even guessed. About 9 months ago she was diagnosed with cancer again. She went through the surgery and chemo all over again. Next week is her last treatment, but she is feeling the worst that she has so far. She is just exhausted and her body is worn out. Yet, she continues to try to live her life as she normally would. She comes to work everyday. She goes out to eat, and to movies. She lives her life to the fullest. Well, as much as her body will let her anyway. She is absolutely determined to beat this. Sure, she breaks down occasionally and wants to give up, but she doesn't give up. She will fight it to the end. I am so proud of her. I hope she knows this. And I hope she knows how much I love her, even though it is hard for me to express it.

[u][b]Question Of The Day[/b][/u]
Are you more attracted to people whose personalities are similar to yours or very different? What differences attract you and why?

[b][u]Answer[/u][/b]
I am definitely more attracted to people who have a different personality than me. I am very shy and quiet (until I get to know someone well) and I am always attracted to people who are very outgoing and talkative. I guess they help me keep the conversation going. I tried dating a guy that was more similar to me in personality and it just didn't work. Neither one of us ever had anything to say. We would just sit around and not talk!

I was listening to the radio this morning and they were talking about "metrosexuals." They were asking the female listeners to call in and tell what they thought of metrosexual men. I personally have rather mixed feelings on this. I like a man that knows how to take care of himself and that dresses nicely. I love men that wear clothes that actually fit them a rather than the baggy look that was so big in the 90's. Fitted jeans and a nice snug t-shirt look very sexy. I love the lower waisted jeans that show off the guy's hip bones (the sexiest part of the male body in my opinion). What I don't like is when a guy is so obsessed with his looks that he forgets the rest of the world exists. It is great to have a positive self-image and know that you look good. It is not good to go around making sure that everyone else knows that you look good. So, for all of the metrosexual guys out there...keep it up, you look sexy...just don't get too caught up in yourselves to notice the women out there trying to look sexy for you!

[b][u]Question Of The Day[/u][/b]
Do you think the world will be a better or worse place 100 years from now?
[u][b]Answer[/b][/u]
If the world is still here 100 years from now, I would say that I think it will be worse. There is so much violence and negativity in the world these days. Just read a few blogs and you will see how many people are unhappy with their lives. If we have so many unhappy people, how could we possibly think that these people are going to make our world better? When we turn on the news all of the top stories have to do with people getting murdered or killed in some other way. It is nothing to turn on the tv and see half naked people on prime time tv. I can remember a time when there was no nudity on tv unless you were watching one of the premium channels. I remember when the news showed stories of good will and people helping other people. I remember when families spent quality time together, and enjoyed it. Although there are a few exceptions, for the most part our world has gone downhill. I have seen these changes in only 25 years.....I can't even imagine where we will be in 100 more years.

White and I were having a discussion today and he says that there are people out there that would actually like to see his butt. So, I am just wondering how many truly bored people there are out there that would want to see this. Please take my survey below to cure my curiosity!

[b]The Poll is officially closed.
Yes-6 votes
No-8 votes[/b]
We do not have to see White's butt!!! Thank you to everyone who supported the cause!!

[b][u]Question Of The Day[/u][/b]
At the beginning of a relationship, do you trust your new partner unless there is something specific to make you do otherwise, or do you withhold your trust until he or she has earned it?
[b][u]Answer[/u][/b]
I tend to trust completely until I am given a reason not to. However, when something occurs to make me lose that trust, it is very difficult for me to build the trust back up.

aaahhhh....what a wonderful, relaxing weekend I had! After the emotional week last week, it was just what I needed. Plus, I discovered my new favorite drink, "pimp juice." Although, I think I may have discovered a little too much of it Friday night. For those of you interested, pimp juice consists of 1/3 Malibu, 1/3 Peach Schnapps, and 1/3 pineapple juice. Mix that with some loud guitar playing and then a 3 hour game of spades and you have what I call a perfect evening. Of course, I needed the rest of the weekend to recover....I think I must be starting to get old....but it sure was fun. I also discovered that I absolutely must have a Schecter C-1 Classic guitar. I have been wanting one for a while, but I played my friend's Schecter this weekend and it totally kicks ass. I just have to have one. I don't know when or how, but I [i][b]WILL[/b][/i] get one some day.....

So I posted the lyrics to Tom Petty's "You Don't Know How It Feels" this morning. Then I heard it on the radio today. When the song first came out, they used to bleep out the word "joint" in the phrase "lets roll another joint" because it wasn't appropriate for radio. Now they have changed it to say "lets [b][i]hit[/i][/b] another joint" which i guess is supposed to be better for radio. Now you tell me, why is "hit another joint" better than "roll another joint"? Why is this phrase more appropriate for radio? Kinda like the strange law in our society that says you can get arrested for possession of marijuana, but you can't get arrested for smoking it. If you are smoking it, chances are you possess it. Makes sense to me. If you are gonna hit a joint, chances are you rolled it. Ok, now I'm starting to ramble....but I just don't get it.....

What is the deal here lately with all of the re-makes? I love the old music, but it just seems that recently there have been a LOT of re-makes of older songs. Re-makes are okay. Some of them I even prefer to the originals. But seriously, have all of the musicians lost their creativity? It seems like every time I turn on the radio, I hear another re-make of an old song. I think its cool to do a cover at a live show and give it your own special twist, but to re-make all of these old songs and record them is a waste of talent. Come up with your own music! Ok, I am done for now. When I have my own band with kick-ass music I will record only original songs. I will save the covers for live shows and impress the whole world with my creativity!

[b][u]Question Of The Day[/u][/b]
If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven't you told them yet?
[b][u]Answer[/u][/b]
I honestly don't have an answer to this question. At this point in my life I am pretty straight up with everyone I know and love. There is no reason to hide anything. That only gets you in trouble. However, I guess its not really my personality to convey my emotions, so I guess I would just want to make sure all of my family and friends knew that I really do love each and every one of them and that I wouldn't have gotten this far in my life without them.

I think this is always an interesting question to ask people. Post your answers in the comments!

i called a friend of mine lastnight and he told me that he thinks it would be best if we don't talk anymore. he thinks my life would be better without him. i don't agree, but i guess its his choice if that's how he wants to live his life. i hope he is reading this and if so, i want you to know i will miss you and if you ever change your mind let me know. until then, the following songs are dedicated to you.

Artist: Pearl Jam
Album: Lost Dogs
Title: Hard To Imagine

Paint a picture forty shades of gray.
Light your pillow. Lay back. Watch the flames.
I'll tell a story but no one would listen that long.

It's hard to imagine. It's hard to imagine.
Ohh [x4]

Fuck tradition. No one's safe from harm.
Wait a living. Cup and curse these arms.
After having seen all that they saw.

It's hard to imagine. It's hard to imagine.
Ohh [x4]

Things were different then. All is different now.
I tried to explain. Somehow.
Things were different then. All is different now.
I tried to explain. Somehow.
Ohh [x4]

[b]Things were different then. All is different now.
I tried to explain. I hope this works. Somehow.
Things were different then. All is different now.
I tried to explain. Oh, somehow.[/b]


Artist: Tom Petty
Album: Wildflowers
Title: You Don't Know How It Feels

Let me run with you tonight
I'll take you on a moonlight ride
There's someone i used to see
But she don't give a damn for me

But let me get to the point, let's roll another joint
And tu rn the radio loud, i'm too alone to be proud
You don't know how it feels
You don't know how it feels to be me

People come, people go
Some grow young, some grow cold
I woke up in between
A memory and a dream

So let's get to the point, let's roll another joint
Let's head on down the road
There's somewhere i gotta go
And you don't know how it feels
You don't know how it feels to be me

My old man was born to rock
He's still tryin' to beat the clock
Think of me what you will
I got a little space to fill

So let's get to the point, let's roll another joint
Let's head on down the road
There's somewhere i gotta go
And you don't know how it feels
No, you don't know how it feels to be me

I like to live my life so that I can say I have no regrets. For the most part, I have done this well. I think that I have made positive decisions in my life. I think every major decision that I have made was for a good reason, even if not always for the "right" reasons. I can say that I have made a few mistakes, but even these I do not necessarily regret. I think that those few mistakes that I have made were life's little lessons that I needed to learn. They were put there for a reason, as I believe everything in life is. I believe that every experience you have and every decision you make in life has a purpose. So where am I going with all of this? After 25 years of my life, I think I may have one regret...and it happened when I was 18...I just never saw it as a regret until now.

Today's question comes from the Love & Sex question book.

[b][u]Question of the Day[/u][/b]
If tomorrow you found out that you and your partner had just conceived a child, how would you react? How do you think it might change your relationship?

[b][u]Answer[/u][/b]
It is rather ironic that this question came up today. My husband and I have been trying to conceive for almost 2 years now, with no success. We have both been going to doctors and specialists and having tests run to see if anything is wrong. Today I got a phone call back from my doctor saying that we should go to a reproductive endocrinologist and probably consider doing in vitro or artificial insemination. Lets just say that this didn't have a good effect on the happy day that I was having. We are already up to our ears in medical bills from all the testing that the insurance doesn't cover and there is no way we can come up with the money for this right now. So, my answer to this question is....I would be absolutely thrilled if I found out tomorrow I was pregnant. I have been wanting it badly for at least 5 or 6 years now. I'm not sure how it would change my relationship, but I would hope it would only make it better. I can't even imagine the feeling that it must give you to look at your new baby and know that the two of you created it together and that it is a combination of you and your partner. Hopefully someday I will have a chance to know how that feels. Until then, I can only dream about it.

Well, today I am feeling much better. I guess yesterday was the culmination of a really bad week. I have just been in a really funky mood all week so far. After my post yesterday, I was even more depressed. I thought it would make me feel better, but I guess putting that much thought into what I was feeling made it worse. But everything started getting better when I got home. First of all, my husband stopped by my work just to say hi and see me for a few minutes. He could tell then that I was in bad mood, but didn't know why. When I got home, he told me that he wanted to take me out to eat. So, we went out to eat and talked, and after a couple of margaritas I was starting to feel better. He was trying so hard that I just couldn't stay in a bad mood. I told him a little about how I was feeling. As we discussed it, I started to realize that I was kinda being stupid about things. I mean, I don't really have it that bad. I have a decent job, plenty to eat, a roof over my head, and a husband and family that love me. Really, what else can a girl ask for? I guess I will always long for the past. I will always wonder what might have been had I made different choices. I think rather than seeking out happiness in alcohol and partying, I need to seek out happiness within myself. I need to improve myself and learn to love myself rather than looking for that from someone else. And I need to try harder to be attentive to my husband. I realized lastnight how much I really do love him and I don't want to lose him the way I lost my first husband. I have to stick things out this time and make it work. No running away this time. He is my best friend and probably the most important person in my life. I don't want that to ever change. So, in this new frame of mind that I have, I have decided that today is going to be a better day. I am going to make sure of that. There is no reason to be depressed or unhappy. I really do have a good life. It is time for me to wake up, clean out the closets (as i said in a post a few days ago), and start enjoying life again!

I was listening to Tom Petty on my way in to work this morning and this song just seems to fit the situation and the mood i'm in today, so here are the lyrics to "Wake Up Time" by Tom Petty.

Wake Up Time

You follow your feelings, you follow your dreams
You follow the leader into the trees
And what's in there waiting, neither one of us knows
You gotta keep one eye open the further you go
You never dreamed you'd go down on one knee, but now
Who could have seen, you'd be so hard to please somehow
You feel like a poor boy, a long way from home
You're just a poor boy, a long way from home

And it's wake up time
Time to open your eyes
And rise and shine

You spend your life dreaming, running 'round in a trance
You hang out forever and still miss the dance
And if you get lucky, you might find someone
To help you get over the pain that will come
Yeah, you were so cool back in high school, what happened
You were so sure not to have your spirits dampened
But you're just a poor boy alone in this world
You're just a poor boy alone in this world

And it's wake up time
Time to open your eyes
And rise and shine

Well, if he gets lucky, a boy finds a girl
To help him to shoulder the pain in this world
And if you follow your feelings
And you follow your dreams
You might find the forest there in the trees
Yeah, you'll be alright, it's just gonna take time, but now
Who could have seen you'd be so hard to please somehow
You're just a poor boy a long way from home
You're just a poor boy a long way from home

And it's wake up time
Time to open your eyes
And rise and shine

'Cause it's wake up time
It's time to open your eyes
And rise and shine

So I have another question. Not a question of the day, just a question about life. What would you do in my situation? From the time that I was 14, until now (almost 26), I have had 3 serious relationships. My first ever "real" boyfriend, my ex-husband, and my current husband. That's it. I dated a couple people in between, but nothing really to speak of. Each one of these guys I have really truly loved. My problem is, I get bored. Not necessarily bored with the guy, but bored with the relationship. I have noticed myself looking around lately, which is not a good thing. I love my husband. He is my best friend and [i]almost[/i] everything I could ever want in a man, but I am bored. I am bored with the routine. I am bored with life. I am bored with staying home and doing dishes and laundry and walking the dog. I am bored with going to bed with the same person every night. I want to go out and party. I want to meet new people. I want to experience more of life. I want to get drunk and stupid and not have to worry about my actions the next day. But I can't do any of that. I made the choice to get married again. I made the choice to be tied down again. So why do I feel this way? Why do I get all hot and bothered when I think about other people? I should feel like this toward my husband, not others. I keep thinking that this will pass and things will be okay again and I will be happy. But how long do I have to wait to be happy? I thought I was once before, but I ruined that one. Then I thought I was again but I'm starting to not be so sure about that one. I need help....or a good psychiatrist maybe....

anyway....thanks for listening...or reading....

[b][u]Question of the day[/u][/b]
Do you believe in ghosts or evil spirits? Would you be willing to spend a night alone in a house that is supposedly haunted?

[b]Answer[/b]
I don't necessarily believe in ghosts as I have never truly had any experiences with them. I think that if I were to ever experience a ghost or evil spirit personally, I would believe. As far as spending the night alone in a haunted house, I would do it. I think it would be fun and interesting. In college I lived in a dorm that was supposedly haunted. Didn't bother me a bit!

Post your answer in the comments!

As I was reading Irishred's blog today, it reminded me of a couple of books that I have. [u]The Book of Questions [/u]and [u]The Book of Questions: Love & Sex[/u] both written by Gregory Stock, PhD. These books are filled with questions to ask yourself of others. They can be a lot of fun, and also lead to some self discovery. Some friends and I bought them to take along on a road trip when I was in college. It was interesting to hear other people's answers to some of the questions and at times started up some pretty good debates. I have decided that I want to start posting some of these questions of my blog. I will still continue my usual writings, but I will try to post a "question of the day" also. I hope you enjoy reading it.

[u][b]Question #1[/b][/u]
For a person you loved deeply, would you be willing to move to a distant country knowing there would be little chance of seeing your friends and family again?

[b]my answer:[/b] I would have to say no at this point in my life. The reason for that being that I am not even willing to move to Alabama, where my husband would like to move to. I feel very settled where I am, with a decent job, and my family all close by. Plus, until my mom is done fighting cancer, I feel that I must stay near her.

THANKS TO EVERYONE THAT VOTED! The poll is now closed. #8 is the winner!

I am beginning to think that it is time to start cleaning out my closets. I admit, I am a bit of a pack rat. I keep everything that might be attached to a memory. I have boxes of old pictures, t-shirts, knick knacks, everything you could ever imagine that at one time in my life meant something to me. Not only are my closets full, but I also have a few boxes still at my dad's house. Anyone who looked through these boxes would wonder why in the world I kept some of this stuff. I have tried over and over again to reduce my collection, but it never works. I start going through a box and I may throw out one thing. Doesn't reduce the size of my stash much. Plus, it takes me hours to make it through one box because I want to stop and look at each thing and daydream about the connection it has to my past. Each time I wonder why it is that I can't bear to part with these things. They are just things after all. Things from my childhood, my high school days, my first marriage and college, my "independent" period, and now my "adult" life. I have a need for these things. Throwing them away feels like I am throwing away a piece of me. I love the memories that these things remind me of. Some people say that I like to live in the past. I guess this is true. I tend to think about my past a lot. The people, the places, the fun that I have had, the mistakes that I made. In fact, I spend a lot of time wishing that I could go back and enjoy those days again. I wish that I could make different choices and live life to the fullest. I sheltered myself from a lot of things because I was worried about what everyone else would think of me. I sometimes think that I sheltered myself from reality because I didn't really want to see what was going on around me. If only I could have known then what I do now, I would have lived my life differently. However, we cannot go back and change our lives or the decisions we make. All we can do is live and learn and try to make our lives better in the future. With all this in mind, I have decided it is time for me to clean out my closets, condense those things that I really must keep, and get rid of those that I no longer need. My past and my memories will always remain close to my heart, but it is time to move on, and make new memories......

I had a nice lazy weekend. I hung out with some friends, watched football and movies, played around with photoshop a bit, and played my guitar. I learned a new Jack Johnson song on my guitar. I am really stuck on his music right now. I decided this weekend that when I get my raise (I was told Friday that I am getting a raise. I just don't know exactly how much it is yet.) I am going to start taking guitar lessons. I have been wanting to since I first saw my cousin play when I was a little kid, but I've just never done it. I have taught myself a little bit, but to really be able to play good, I think I need some lessons. A friend of mine was helping me out with it a little, but he moved to California a couple months ago. I am excited. I can't wait to start my lessons!

So i was just sitting here and glanced at the clock and realized that it is 11:30 and I have not done any work yet. I am so lazy some days. Actually, I have done one thing work-related. I helped someone set up an online calendar. Woohoo! That took a lot of work on my part!

~~Sidenote: One of the guys in my office just brought me some fingernail polish that he bought in Aruba. It is an orangish color and changes to purple in the sunlight. Very interesting! Maybe I'll use it someday. I'm not that big on nail polish anymore, but it was a nice thought!~~

Anyway, I am guessing that today is going to be one of those days when I hang out on the internet all day and do nothing. My bosses are out of town until Thursday, so I guess I can slack off a little. That just means that tomorrow I gotta kick some ass and get stuff done. It is nice to have a laid-back day every once in a while, but I do need to get caught up on some stuff while they are gone.

I was bored yesterday and decided to make a header for my blog and adjust the color settings a little. Please leave me a comment and let me know what you think of it!

i love your smile,
your eyes, your lips.
i love the way
you do cartwheels and flips.
i love the way you are
so opinionated.
of course, that is something
that i also sometimes hated.
i love your creativity
and your way of thinking.
i love your humor and
the faces you are always making.
i love the way
you would hold me tight.
and help me get through
all those sleepless nights.

but i hate the way
you lied to me.
and told me only
what you wanted me to see.
i hate the way
you left me out.
like i wasn't worthy of you
or good enough to just hang out.
i hate the way
you made me feel.
so unimportant and
like the third wheel.
i hate the way i miss you
and the way that things ended.
i hate that i still love you
and now we can only be friends.

Have you ever wanted to combine two people? I was thinking about this lastnight. Wouln't it be cool if you could take the traits of two people and combine them into one so that they had only the traits that you love aobut them and none of the ones you dislike. You would have the perfect person that would be completely compatible with you. Now, I am not talking about cloning. I am totally against cloning humans. Maybe if you could take a person and train them to learn certain things or to be a certain way and erase the things you don't like. Kind of a type of brainwashing I guess. I just think it would be nice sometimes to have that one perfect person. You probably all think I'm crazy now, but really this all came about for a practical reason. I was thinking about my husband and one of my ex's. I was considering all of the things that I loved about my ex, and comparing that to my husband. I know its not really fair to compare, but I was doing it anyway. Both of them have a lot of things that I really like, and only a few things that I just can't stand about them. If I could combine the things about them that I like, and take away the things I don't like, I would then have the perfect man for me. Even though I know this is never going to be a reality, it is nice to dream about! Just imagine the possibilities......

Since I have ventured into the world of blogging, I have discovered a new pet peave of mine--people that don't know how to spell simple words. I do understand that some people don't have a knack for spelling like I do, but that is no excuse. An occasional misspelled word is okay. I'm sure that I miss a word every once in while. No one is perfect and I'm sure everyone has a typo sometimes. What bothers me is when you try to read a blog and you have to stop and examine every word to try to figure out what the heck it is supposed to be. I read an article a while back on how instant messaging is affecting the English language and the youth of today. The main point was that we spend so much time abbreviating words for instant messaging that we are losing the ability to correctly write in the English language. At the time I just laughed at the article, thinking that it was kinda dumb. Surely the kids these days know that all of those abbreviations and misspelled words actually stand for real words. But, now I'm not so sure. The more time I spend on the internet reading blogs and other web pages, the more I am thinking that the article may have had a valid point. I am sure that schools are still teaching spelling and grammar, but it is not very obvious in the things I have been reading lately. I consider myself to be slightly above average in intelligence and I am aware that not everyone out there is as blessed as I am, but seriously, how hard is it to spell? If you really want people to read what you are writing, maybe you should try using a dictionary or a spell checker. You can get them online for free!

Thank you for reading. I will step down off of my soapbox for now.

Thanks to a couple of friends, I have recently been introduced to the music of Jack Johnson. I like to think that I am pretty diverse in the music that I listen to. I like a little variety in my music. In one day I may listen to anything from the Dixie Chicks to Sarah McLachlan to Pearl Jam to System of a Down or even Rob Zombie. I am always open to listening to something new. So when my friend White kept mentioning Jack Johnson, I had to check it out. It just so happened that a friend of mine had a copy of one of his cds, so I made a copy (yes, I had to burn a copy. I'm broke!) and I can't stop listening to it. Every time I listen to it, it seems that I find another song that I really, really like. I think I'm becoming addicted. I can't wait until I have some money so I can get some of his other stuff. I really love the simplicity of his music and the laid-back feeling that it gives me. Anyway, on my way to work this morning, I was of course listening to his cd again and the song Cupid was the one that stood out today. So, for your reading pleasure, here are the lyrics to Cupid by Jack Johnson.


Cupid
how many times must we go through this
you've always been mine, woman i thought you knew this
how many times must we go through this
youll always be mine, cupid only misses sometimes

but we could end up broken hearted
if we dont remember why all this started
and if they try to tell you love fades with time
tell them theres no such thing as time
its our time

i hate it when i have something i want to write and i think to myself that i'll do it in a few minutes and then when i sit down at the computer i completely forget what i wanted to write about......yep, it just happened..... :roll:

i think it is very sad how friendships fade away. i have known so many wonderful people in my life and have had friends that were closer than my own family, but almost all of them have strayed away over the years. as a kid, i was always having to move. my father is a minister and every couple of years he would get transferred to a new church, which meant that our family had to move again. each time we moved to a new town, it would take me about a year before i really got to know people and form friendships (yes, i was a very shy kid). but everywhere we lived i always had at least one "best" friend. by the time my friends and i got really close, my dad would tell us that we had to move again. this was always devastating to me. every time i would tell him that i was not going with them and that one of my friends' families would take me in and let me stay with them. of course that never happened, so i ended up moving and having to start the whole process over again. everywhere i lived, i always promised my friends that we would keep in touch and i would come back and visit. it seemed like we could keep that up for about a year and then the letters and phone calls would just kinda stop. when i think of all the friendships that have ended that way, it is rather depressing. of all of the really good friends that i have had in my life, there are only a couple that i still talk to. one is my friend amy. we have been friends since we were 13 years old. i have to say she has probably been the best friend that i have ever had. she has stood by me during the best and worst times in my life. it seems like she is always there, no matter what. there is another friend that i talk to online and by email. he has been around since i was 15, but we can't see each other due to certain circumstances that i won't get into right now. other than those two people, all of my friends from the past have faded away. i still have my new friends and my husband, who is now my "best" friend, but there are days when i really miss my old friends. it makes me sad to think of all the people that have come in and out of my life. i would love to get re-aquainted with some of them.

well, allergic to my office at least. seriously. i was sick for 2 weeks (my whole vacation) and finally started feeling better saturday. then i come in to work this morning and in less than an hour my whole head was stuffed up. i can only conclude that i am allergic to something in my office. guess i don't notice it so much when i am here everyday, but after being gone for a week and a half, it hit me hard this morning. however, even with the allergies, it surprises me that i am actually kind of glad to be back at work. i had a wonderful vacation, but it kinda feels good to be back to my life. i am in a great mood and my bosses are not even stressing me out today. i think the time off really did me some good. i knew it was past time for a vacation! now, if i can only make it another 7 months and 7 days until my trip to hawaii!

vacation is over. i am finally back home and will be back to work tomorrow. i did have a wonderful time though. i would have enjoyed it much more if i was not sick the whole time and if the cowboys would have beat the saints last sunday. but, it was so nice to get away and relax for a few days. we spent all day saturday driving to alabama. then got up early sunday morning to go to new orleans for the game. after the game we spent the evening walking around the french quarter and bourbon street. we spent the night in new orleans and then drove back to alabama monday where we spent the rest of the week with my in-laws. most people would think that was a nightmare, but it was actually very nice. i love my in-laws. they are such a blast to be around. i could not ask for a better family to be a part of. we spent most of the time just hanging around the house and visiting. friday we went down to the gulf and walked the beach for a while. it was so beautiful and other than a little rain, the weather was great. all in all it was a really good trip. and of course, it was wonderful to be away from work for a week!

on the long drive home from alabama, i whipped out some of my favorite road trip cds. my favorites are dixie chicks (the 1st 2 cds), steve miller band-greatest hits, and counting crows-august and everything after. all of those have a lot of memories attached to them. as i was listening to them, one song in particular by the dixie chicks stood out that brought back a lot of memories. at a time in my life when i thought that i couldn't feel anymore, and i felt completely numb inside and out, this song brought out the emotions in me and made me cry so hard that i thought i would never stop. hearing this song in the car on the trip home made me realize how far i have come since that day and how my life has changed. it reminds me of the old days when "you were mine" (you know who you are) and makes me thankful that i was able to move on and enjoy life after a time when i thought that would never again be possible. so, in a kind of celebration of my life then and my life now, here are the lyrics to "you were mine" by the dixie chicks.

"You Were Mine"

I Can't Find A Reason To Let Go
Even Though You've Found A New Love
And She's What Your Dreams Are Made Of
I Can Find A Reason To Hang On
What Went Wrong Can Be Forgiven
Without You, It Ain't Worth Livin' Alone

[Chorus:]
Sometimes I Wake Up Crying At Night
And Sometimes I Scream Out Your Name
What Right Does She Have To Take You Away
When For So Long, You Were Mine

I Took Out All The Pictures Of Our Wedding Day
It Was A Time Of Love And Laughter
Happy Ever After
But Even Those Old Pictures Have Begun To Fade
Please Tell Me She's Not Real
And That You're Really Coming Home To Stay

[Repeat Chorus]

I Can Give You Two Good Reasons
To Show You Love's Not Blind
He's Two And She's Four, And You Know They Adore You
So How Can I Tell Them You've Changed Your Mind

[Repeat Chorus:]

I Remember When You Were Mine