drifting away...

Everyone who is against gay marriage should read this at skinnycow's blog!

Edit: And for all of you wondering, I believe than everyone should have the right to have a legally bonded relationship with the person that they love.

....how just one little e-mail or message from someone can make you smile and make your day a little brighter. Sometimes it just gives you a warm, fuzzy feeling just knowing that someone cared enough to say hello. (And I'm sure that the warm, fuzzy feeling had nothing to do with the wine at lunch or the daquiri that I am working on now.)

We are having a good-bye lunch today for one of my co-workers who is retiring. We have several gifts for her, including a framed picture of the whole office staff (my idea). We are going to a nice Italian restaurant, where I have been told that we have a reserved room with wine already ordered. Then when we return to the office after lunch, we are having one of our "daquiri days" starting at 2:00. I am thinking that not much work will get done today. But, I am definitely not complaining!!! It should be a great afternoon. I am wondering who is gonna drive me home!!!

Every year around this time I start to get spring fever. Not the type of spring fever where I feel the need to clean or do yardwork, or anything like that. I want to shop! Seems like everywhere I go there is stuff I want to buy. Yesterday, for example, I had to go to Wal-Mart to pick up some contacts that I ordered. I didn't need to get anything else. My mom went along because she needed to pick up a couple things for her trip to Florida next week. So, we are walking through Wal-Mart and I just keep finding things I want to buy. I did show a little bit of restraint, but I ended up leaving with a new hat, purse, hair clips, and cat food (which I remembered as I walked by it that I did need). Now, of course, I tend to do this all year, but it is so much worse right now. Usually, it is clothes that make me break down and spend all of my hard earned money, but since I am trying to lose a little before summer, I am holding off on the clothes-buying until I can buy smaller sizes! I hate it that I am this way. I have a really hard time going into a store and not buying anything. Especially if it is on sale or I think I'm getting a really good deal. What is it about this time of year that makes me do this? Anyone have any ideas?

I have no new and interesting blogs today because I have been working on my new header and layout. I'm not sure that I'm quite satisfied with it yet. It is looking a little bit dark. I think I need to get some color in somewhere. But since I have wasted way too much work time doing this, I guess I better leave it alone for today. Please leave a comment and let me know what you think of my new look!

I was number 47 on hot blogs when I looked earlier and was all excited cause its the first time i've made it on there I think. Then when I went back to look at the hot blogs list again, nothing comes up....where did it go???

Edit: Ok, its back and now I'm 45!!! Yipee!!! What can I say, little things excite me!

I have been really focusing this week on what I am eating. I'm trying very hard to get in the habit of eating healthy. I went to the grocery store and bought several Weight Watchers and Lean Cuisine meals for my lunches and lots of fresh fruits and vegetables. I was very determined that this week I was going to start eating better. And I did great for a whole two days. I ate healthier foods and even exercised two days in a row (hopefully today will make three for the exercise). But then, right before lunch today, my boss pissed me off. I was just fuming mad. Suddenly my chicken teryaki rice bowl and fresh carrots didn't look so good. I seriously needed some comfort food. I had to go out and run some errands for the office during lunch, so I decided I would stop by Burger King and grab some lunch on the way. I ordered a Santa Fe Chicken Baguette sandwich, which isn't too terribly bad. But, instead of ordering a healthy side salad with it, I opted for the onion rings. Follow that up with a "real" coke instead of diet, and I just really screwed up. The bad part is it didn't even taste that good. I'm not sure if it was my conscience telling me I was being bad or what, but it just wasn't that good. About 20 minutes later, I was back at the office and my tummy started hurting so bad. Hmmm...I am wondering if someone is trying to tell me something. My tummy is feeling a little better now, but I am feeling awful for giving into the "comfort food" craving. I do feel that I got what I deserved. I hope that next time I decide to run out for fast food I will remember this experience!!!

My boss really pisses me off sometimes! This is the boss that I ususally really like. He is a great person but he can just be such an ass sometimes! I was on the phone making a call to one of our tenants who has still not paid their rent for February that was due on the first. He comes barging in, yelling my name. Then, when he saw that I was on the phone, he started yelling, "Hang up, Get off of the phone!" so loud that the person on the other end could hear him. I was in the middle of giving the lady my name and phone number so the doctor could call me back, so I finished and then got off the phone. And guess what he wanted??? Just to tell me that I need to make a phone call to the lawyer and ask him a question, but then said that it doesn't need to be done today. So what was with the freakin urgency for me to get off of the phone??? I hate it when he does that. For one thing, it is extrememly rude. For another, I was talking to HIS tenant, in HIS building and trying to collect the rent money due to HIM!!!! Does he really want his tenants thinking that he is that much of an asshole?? It doesn't make much sense to me. Besides, it just really pisses me off when he does that. He could at least have the decency to say it a little bit quieter so the other person doesn't have to hear it! :x

Ok, I feel better now...just needed to bitch a little....

John Frusciante, the guitarist for the Red Hot Chili Peppers released his solo album today "Shadows Collide with People." I haven't heard the whole cd yet, but what I have heard is great! There are 3 songs you can listen to on his website under the music section www.johnfrusciante.com.

My favorite of the three is "Wednesday's Song"

You'll make it through the day
See things another way and behold
Listen to Wednesday's song
This night you go home alone
How the sane go upright
How you look another night
You're back under my hat
And even knowing that you're a whore
Nothing ever meant more
Than switching rooms through a door
Out into another one
Frames flash inward
And you know
I have seen the world enough
I've drowned in my thoughts alot
Deep in rains that swirl above
I canceled heaven I concede
Another word to say
When everything's o.k. you go down
And pulling up the slack
And never coming back
An alarm
Ringing to set the sun
No one ever becomes
What others thought they should've been
Inside they're what they can see
You know I do miss this girl
To show I am in a swirl of sun
Being what I've got
The joy
I canceled heaven I concede
Everything that I believe
I canceled heaven I concede

So I found out lastnight that my brother-in-law volunteered to go to Iraq. Apparently he was number 7 or 8 on the list and all of the guys ahead of him were married and had children or had children on the way. I still don't like that he is going, but that was an incredibly unselfish thing for him to do. I can't help but be proud of him. He is such a good kid!!

As I was driving home lastnight, I heard on the radio that traffic was backed up near my house. As I continued to listen I heard what was really going on. Following is the article from the newspaper this morning. It is kinda scary knowing that this guy was running around in the woods so close to my house. I live probably a mile or so away from where this actually happened, but it is still a little too close for comfort!

[b]FIERY SHIELD HIDES GUNMAN[/b]
Two south KC houses burn; residents in area take cover
By RUSS PULLEY, KEVIN HOFFMANN and JAMES HART
The Kansas City Star

Two houses near 94th Street and Grandview Road burned to the ground Monday. Witnesses said they heard an explosion and hundreds of bullets going off.

Gunfire brought down a MAST paramedic Monday afternoon as she responded to a smoke-filled south Kansas City neighborhood where two houses burned to the ground.

The paramedic, Mary Seymour of Kansas City, was out of surgery late Monday and was recovering. Police combed the neighborhood for the attacker and planned to search the area again today.

The chaos began about 3:38 p.m. when someone reported that a house had exploded in the 9400 block of Grandview Road.

Fire trucks, paramedics and police officers raced to the house. As soon as they arrived, the rescuers found themselves under fire from a man standing beside a house.

Officers returned shots, and authorities took cover behind their vehicles. Neighbors were warned to stay inside and lock their doors.

Meanwhile, flames erupted at a house across the street. Ammunition in one of the houses exploded.

As the homes continued to smolder, police searched the surrounding area for the gunman.

Kansas City police said they wanted to talk to Donin Wright, who owns the home at 9400 Grandview Road, which paramedics were responding to when shots were fired.

Police said they would begin a thorough search of Wright's property today, once they've secured a search warrant.

Amanda Patmore, 17, who lives a couple of houses away from the fires, said she heard an explosion and then what sounded like gunfire. She went outside, and police shouted at her to get back inside. She thought that if there was a gunman, he was behind her house or the one next door.

“He had to be somewhere behind my shed or my neighbor's,” she said.

The teenager said she was watching the scene from a bathroom window when a second blast rocked her home. It came from the first house that caught fire, she said.

“When I came outside, the house was gone.”

For the next two hours, Patmore locked herself in her home, watched television newscasts and kept an eye on police scurrying around outside.

“It's kind of creepy knowing someone is outside your house armed with a gun,” she said.

The shooting stunned Seymour's co-workers at the Metropolitan Ambulance Services Trust.

“It's the worst call we can respond to and deal with. It's one of our own. We're family,” MAST spokesman Eric Dooley said.

It is rare, he added, for a paramedic to be a victim of violence while on a call.

“It hasn't happened in Kansas City in years,” he said.

Seymour, 39, was in stable condition in intensive care at an area hospital, Dooley said. She had worked at MAST for 15 years.

Matt Johnson, the paramedic's 15-year-old son, said he was playing basketball with friends when he got the news.

“I started thinking about the worst that could happen. Then I came here,” he said as he stood shivering in basketball shorts outside the hospital.

When he heard about how the shooting happened, he said, he didn't believe it at first. “He shouldn't be shooting at people that are trying to help people.”

He said he heard his mother had been shot in the chest, but she was talking to people afterward. She also has a 13-year-old daughter, the boy said.

People who lived in the southeast Kansas City neighborhood said the mayhem came out of nowhere.

Rachel Williston, who lives about a block from the scene, was at home with a roommate and two children when she heard an explosion.

“It shook the whole house,” Williston said. “By the time we got outside, the (first) house was in flames.”

She called 911. Police and an ambulance arrived first, followed shortly by fire crews.

Suddenly, Williston heard a barrage of gunfire.

“Then all of a sudden, they moved their trucks back really fast and told us to get inside,” Williston said.

Shortly after the blast and the eruption of ammunition, scores of police officers surrounded the area, all with weapons drawn. Officers with rifles waved their arms at slowing motorists and shouted, “Keep moving!”

Officers with weapons drawn squatted behind patrol cars for blocks in each direction. Firefighters huddled behind their rigs, listening intently to their radios. Even an hour later, police told neighbors who ventured outside to get back in their homes.

Another neighbor, Robert Jewell, saw the fire trucks and ambulance arrive.

“They started pulling out hoses, and then there were gunshots,” he said. “Next thing you know, everyone is running around and hitting the dirt.”

He said he heard hundreds of bullets going off.

Later, Fire Chief Smokey Dyer said all four fire vehicles that responded had flat tires, broken windows and bullet holes in their sides. One damaged vehicle was a new $600,000 ladder truck recently delivered to the Fire Department.

Authorities did not say what kind of gun was used in the shooting. Dyer said his men believed it was an automatic weapon.

It was fortunate, he said, that firefighters had not begun to attack the fire before the shooting erupted. Otherwise they would have been distracted with work and less able to take cover.

“If the shooter had waited, we could have had … numerous firefighters shot,” Dyer said.

Williston said the first house that caught fire appeared to be vacant. She said she thought an older couple lived in the other burning house across the street.

The cause of the fire has not been disclosed.

“I've never seen any signs of life from that house,” Williston said. “Nothing.”

Bannister Road was closed well into the evening between Blue River Road and Interstate 435, causing slower-than-usual traffic on U.S. 71.

About 60 students from Santa Fe Elementary School had to be returned to their school because the bus routes were blocked by police, said Terry Murphy-Latta, a spokeswoman for the Hickman Mills School District.

Most of the students were residents at a pair of apartment complexes near the scene.

The buses returned to the school, and staffers began contacting parents. All of the students were picked up by about 6:45 p.m., Murphy-Latta said.

Several teachers and staffers stayed at the school, 8908 Old Santa Fe Road, and some cafeteria workers remained to provide food for the children, she said.

I have decided that this year is my year for change. I need to get my life in order. There are so many things that I have let slide in the last couple years, including my appearance. Part of this (although it is not at all his fault) is because of my husband. Since we met and started dating, my life has been consumed with him. We spend most of our free time together and I have really lost touch with myself. I have not spent a lot of time doing things for myself. That is one of the things that I need to change. I am the type of person that must have time to myself. I must have hobbies and interests outside of my relationship. I have discussed this with him and he understands my need, but it is still difficult to implement it because he feels like I don't want to spend time with him. We are working on this and hopefully it will get better soon. The biggest problem is, that if I spend my time doing all of the things I want to do, I have very little time left for him. Then I feel very guilty and feel like I am being selfish. I am not really sure how to turn around this way of thinking, but I am working on it!

These are the things that I have decided I must do to feel that I have more control over my life.

1.) Get my finances in order--I took out a loan this weekend to consolidate all of my credit cards. I will now have a regular monthly payment and have all of my debt payed off in 72 months (or earlier if I can make bigger payments, which I plan to do whenever possible). With my recent raise and maybe a bonus or two, I should be able to get it paid off much faster! This will be a huge weight off of my shoulder. I hate living paycheck to paycheck and getting nowhere on those damn credit card balances!

2.) Take more interest in my appearance and health--As of today I have officially joined the SELF challenge. I really want to stick to this program. I have been trying to watch what I eat, but sticking to an exercise program has always been very difficult for me. My goal is to lose 25 pounds by June. I think I can do it if I really put my mind to it. Besides losing some weight, I really just want to start living a healthier lifestyle. I want to eat better and exercise more. I want to someday be able to pass along some healthier ideals to my children than I was given.

3.)Find a hobby to help reduce stress and keep my mind working--I am finally taking guitar lessons! I had my first lesson last week and it went great. I have always wanted to learn to play guitar. After a couple of years of working on it by myself, I decided that I really need lessons to get to where I want to be on this. Plus, taking lessons will force me to practice more often and help to push me along.

4.) Spend more "quality" time with my husband--We do spend a lot of time together, but I want the time we spend together to be "quality" time, not just sitting around watching tv or movies. We need to spend more time talking and doing activities together. I'm not really sure how I'm going to implement this yet, but I'm working on it.

These are all some pretty big goals for me. I'm not really one to formalize my goals until now. I am hoping that I can stick to all of these. I know it will make my life better if I do. I just feel like I have fallen into such a slump in the last year or two. Please feel free to add any suggestions! I can use all the help I can get!

I just found out yesterday that my trip to Hawaii that was supposed to be in August may have to be postponed again. We were going out to visit my brother-in-law who is in the Air Force. He just found out that he will be going to Iraq in May. It is supposed to be for only 3 months, but I don't know if he will be back in Hawaii after that or somewhere else. I don't really know how all of that works.

Anyway, so I am pretty bummed about the trip, but also really scared for Matt. I really hope everthing goes ok while he is over there. I have heard some pretty bad stories from people that have come back. I'll be keeping my fingers crossed and praying for him a lot. He is the first person that I have known personally that has had to go over there. :cry:

As I was reading White's latest blog, I was reminded of how much I really miss working with people my age. Not that I don't love the people that I work with, but I am quite a bit younger than all of them. I just turned 26 and everyone that works in my office is over 40, actually I think they are all over 45, but I'm not completely sure. There is not a single person that I can relate to socially. The only person that I would even consider doing something with socially is my mom and well, she's my mom. Take this as an example. Today for lunch we decided to have a "girls' lunch" and all of the women in the office went out together to eat at Tippins. Now, we are all sitting around talking when suddenly the conversation turns to menopause and hot flashes. At that moment I felt so completely out of place. How could I possibly relate to this conversation? I couldn't. It was just weird. The last job that I had had a great mix of people. There were some younger than me, some my own age, and some older than me. I made a lot of friends there and had lots of people that I could relate to. In fact, actually, I made too many friends there and it kinda caused me problems with my job, but that is a completely different story. Maybe I'll share someday. The point is, there were people my age. At my current job, I just feel so out of place. I feel like such a baby. Everywhere else that I have ever worked, there were people my age.

My guitar lesson lastnight went great. The teacher is really cool. I was so worried that he was gonna be some young little punk....but he was not. He's probably a few years older than me and totally down to earth. I think I'm really gonna enjoy taking lessons from him. He said at the end of the lesson that he really looked forward to working with me and that he was really excited to actually have a student that could already play a little. (This makes a lot more sense if you heard the kid before me trying to play row, row, row your boat!!) Anyway, it went really good and I can't wait for next week's lesson!

I am feeling great today and one of my favorite songs to listen to when I am in a good mood is P.O.D.'s Alive. Here are the lyrics:

Everyday is a new day
I’m thankful for every breath I take
I won’t take it for granted
So I learn from my mistakes
It’s beyond my control, sometimes it’s best to let go
Whatever happens in this lifetime
So I trust in love
You have given me peace of mind

I feel so alive for the very first time
I can’t deny you
I feel so alive
I feel so alive for the very first time
And I think I can fly

Sunshine upon my face
A new song for me to sing
Tell the world how I feel inside
Even though it might cost me everything
Now that I know this, so beyond, I can’t hold this
I can never turn my back away
Now that I’ve seen you
I can never look away

I feel so alive for the very first time
I can’t deny you
I feel so alive
I feel so alive for the very first time
And I think I can fly

Now that I know you (I could never turn my back away)
Now that I see you (I could never look away)
Now that I know you (I could never turn my back away)
Now that I see you (I believe no matter what they say)

I feel so alive for the very first time
I can’t deny you
I feel so alive
I feel so alive for the very first time
And I think I can fly

I feel so alive for the very first time
I can’t deny you
I feel so alive
I feel so alive for the very first time
And I think I can fly

Today is my first guitar lesson and I am soooooo excited. Ok, so it's not a huge deal since I have been playing quite a while on my own. I am just hoping that this will help me get better much faster than I have been able to do so far.

Ok, so here is a little something that I've been working on. I guess you could call it a poem. It is still pretty rough, but I thought I would go ahead and post it anyway. I used to write a lot when I was younger, but over the years kinda lost touch with that side of myself. The last few months I have been trying to get back into writing. Anyway, I had this rolling around in my head all night lastnight and I wanted to get it down before I lost it. So, here it is. Like I said, it is still a little rough. Any suggestions are welcome!

All alone in a crowded room
I sit, I stare, I wonder
Although you talk and carry on
I hear nothing but silence
Waiting for someone to look my way
Just a glance or a smile
Waiting for someone to notice
That I really do exist

It does not matter if I speak
You wouldn't hear me anyway
What do I have to do
To get your attention
I have been trying so hard
Just to fit in with the crowd
But I am still the girl in the corner
That nobody ever sees

Feeling so lonely
Feeling so useless
Feeling so sad
Will you miss me when I'm gone?

I have been told many times in my life that I am selfish. I have been told by my parents, my siblings, my friends, and even my husband that I am selfish. Yes, I have to agree with them. In many situations I can be very selfish. I stand up for what I believe and don't give in. When I want to treat myself to something I do it, no matter what anyone else has to say about it. When I buy something special for myself I do not want others to take it or use it without asking me first. When someone gives me a gift, I do not expect to have to share it with others unless I choose to. When I am doing something I really want to do, I am not going to stop to do what someone else wants me to do. I know what I want. I know what I need. It is my life. So, yes, I am selfish. What is so wrong with that? I give my time when I choose to. I share my things when I choose to. I don't let other people tell me what to do. I live my life for me, not for them. I am selfish, if that is how they define it...and I love it!

I don't believe that I have ever professed my love for Old Navy on here, so today I am going to do just that. It is absolutely my favorite store. They sell trendy clothes, but unlike most of the other stores out there they actually keep their prices down. And, when they put stuff on clearance, they REALLY put it on clearance. I really love to shop, and when I can find a great bargain it makes me so happy! I very rarely ever pay full price for anything. I have made two trips to Old Navy in the last couple weeks. On the first trip, for a grand total of $72, I got 14 shirts (most of which were fleece sweatshirts) and a pair of pants. Everything was so cheap, we bought stuff for my friend's 4 kids and they absolutely loved it! So I returned yesterday and ended up buying 4 more shirts for me, a dress, 2 pairs of pants, a sweater for my husband, and 2 pairs of shoes and spent.....[b]$34[/b]!!!! It just doesn't get much better than that. The most expensive thing on the ticket was the sweater for $6.99. I am wearing an entire outfit today that cost me only $6. And this, my friends, is why I love Old Navy!

....for another blog. I have been hard at work today. For the first time in weeks, I feel that I have actually accomplished something at work! Not that I haven't been doing anything, but my to-do list just has not been getting any smaller. Every day I come in here and have a list of goals for the day, but most of the time I get interrupted and don't get many of them finished. But, today I actually got most of yesterday's goals completed. Yay for me. If I can just keep it up for the rest of the week, maybe I can get my list to shrink a little!

So, I was listening to the radio this morning and my morning radio station is starting a contest called "the best contest ever". The big prize is 2 tickets and backstage passes to both the Kid Rock concert and the Metallica/Godsmack concert. To enter the contest, you have to send in a picture of 2 girls kissing. People will vote on the website for the best ones. Then, the finalists have to go into the studio and kiss so they can make sure that the pic was not a fake. So, I am thinking, I could kiss a girl for tickets and backstage passes to 2 concerts. I would LOVE to be backstage with Godsmack. Only problem is, my pic would probably not be picked. I am sure that the most beautiful girls will be picked, plus I'm not sure that I could be that convincing in the studio. My guess is that it will end up being a lesbian couple that wins, cause they would be the most convincing kissers. Guess I will have to pass up this contest. Besides, not sure what girl I could find that would want to kiss me anyway...plus, I would have to take my husband to the concerts with me if I won and that would just not be fair to the other girl!!

I finally got my guitar lessons set up. I am starting on Thursday and I can't wait! I really hope that I like this guy. He sounds cool enough over the phone, but you never know until you meet someone in person. It would suck to have a teacher that I hate when it is something that I love so much.

Well, I guess that's about it for now. Back to work!

I have come to the realization that I am way too wrapped up in other people's lives...people that I don't even know. I was sitting here reading another blog this afternoon when I realized that I know more about this person than some of my "real" friends. It struck me as rather odd that I allow myself to spend so much time reading about people I don't even know. Why don't I spend more time talking to my real friends instead of reading about these strangers' lives. Then I figured it out...tbloggers' lives are much more interesting than my friends! It makes sense when you really think about it. Many bloggers, like me, use their blog to get out their frustrations, thoughts, and feelings that they may not feel comfortable sharing with all of their friends, co-workers, or families. Therefore, by reading their blog, you learn much more about them than you would in a typical friend-to-friend casual conversation. A blog can be a very safe place to vent your true feelings. Although it is very public, you can write about things that you may not feel like talking about. Because it can be anonymous, you can get other people's reactions to your innermost secrets without having to face up to it later. It's a great thing. Take me, for instance, I keep two blogs. One that is family-safe, and one that is totally anonymous with the exception of a couple of very close friends I have chosen to share it with. The two people that I know personally that are regular readers are people that I would share my deepest, darkest, secrets with anyway. My own husband does not even know about it. Anyone who reads this blog probably knows more about me than my own friends and family. So, back to my main point (i tend to get a little sidetracked sometimes), I love to read about other people's lives. I guess it makes me feel a little better to know that there are people out there going through some of the same things that I am, having the same feelings, and maybe even some of the same dreams. So, to all the tbloggers out there, thanks for writing and giving me another little something to look forward to each day!

I made my mom cry this morning and now I feel like shit. It wasn't really my fault. I'm just stuck in the middle between her and my dad. My parents got divorced about 3 years ago and were separated for a few years before that. My dad got re-married in October. He seems genuinely happy for the first time in many years and I am really happy for him. The problem is that since my mom found out he was getting married, she has become super sensitive about everything that has to do with him. so my dad's wife called me Friday night and asked me if we were going to be home on Saturday. So I told her when we would be home and she said that they wanted to bring us some stuff. They were getting some new furniture and were getting rid of the kitchen table and chairs and a recliner and they knew that we needed both of those so they wanted to give it to us. I was thrilled about the table and chairs cause I haven't had one since I got divorced 4 years ago. And, the recliner that I had (another hand-me-down) broke only a week after it was given to me. So, I thought this was really cool that he was being so thoughtful. The only problem is...my mom freaks out whenever he gives us anything cause she feels like she should have first dibs on it. She says that since they bought the furniture together, that he should ask her before he gives it to anyone. She says that he agreed to this when they split up. I don't know if this is true or not, so I can't really judge. So I now have this furniture that he brought over. Knowing that eventually my mom will be over at my house and see it, I decided that I better just get it over with and tell her that he gave it to me. So, when she mentioned something about my dad this morning, I just thought that it would be a good chance to slip it in. BAD IDEA!!!! She started freaking out about how he doesn't keep any of his promises and all this stuff and then she was crying...and I feel like its my fault even though I know it really isn't. I always end up getting in the middle of things and I hate it. I don't want to be in the middle and I keep getting forced into this position. I wish they could just quit fighting and quit making me feel like I'm the cause!!!

I recently aquired the Shinedown-Leave A Whisper cd. Every time I listen to it, the song Stranger Inside seems to stand out. I think everyone has felt like this at times...if not, you are the lucky ones! Anyway, since I have nothing to blog about right now, I will share the lyrics to this song...

Stranger Inside by Shinedown

This day could be the worst one yet
I just won't relax I can't catch my breath
Because I'm sick and tired of you'll be fine
Well how do you know, can you read minds

So take while you can so you can meet demands
My insanity is what you thrive on
So rip it from my soul, so everyone will know in the end
We were never friends

Have you ever felt lost inside so unloved within that you almost die
Have you ever stepped out of the light and realized there's a stranger inside

Don't push your ignorance on me
I'm not unrehearsed to your jealousy
And I know you think I don't see the signs
Well how do you know, do I look blind

So take it while you can so you can meet demands
My breakdown is what you thrive on
So rip it from my soul so everyone will know in the end
I'm the break you're the bend

Have you ever felt lost inside so unloved within that you almost die
Have you ever stepped out of the light and realized there's a stranger inside

Stranger inside...

Have you ever felt lost inside so unloved within that you almost die
Have you ever stepped out of the light and realized there's a stranger inside

Have you ever felt lost inside...
Have you ever stepped out of the light and realized there's a stranger inside

I found an amazingly good deal this weekend while I was out at the guitar store....and I ended up buying it. I really didn't have the money for this, but it was just too good of a deal to pass up! So, here is my new baby.....
[image]hardtoimagine_1354 34187.jpg[/image]
And...just in case anyone is interested....here is the rest of the family....
[image]hardtoimagine_4023 01697.jpg[/image]

...why i never really liked Valentine's Day that much. Its not an awful day, in fact I like the idea of it...a day for romance. I love spending the day thinking about love and how lucky I have been to have such wonderful men in my life to give my love to over the years. But what really bothers me is hearing what everyone else is getting or is doing for V-day. Not that I don't enjoy the day or love what my man gives me...its just that there is always someone who gets something better...something way over the top. I know its petty to compare, but I get jealous. Why can't I have a super-romantic guy that buys me diamonds or surprises me with a weekend trip or something?

EDIT: Upon further contemplation, I think that it may have something to do with the fact that my Birthday is only 4 days before v-day. Maybe the men just can't handle 2 events in one week! Maybe I get too much romance on my birthday and therefore, want even more on v-day......hmmm.....maybe....

Can this day possible stretch out any longer??? I decided to make today a cleaning and organizing day at work. I have taken all the piles of papers and put into one stack so that I can go through them and see what I need to do with everything. I have a new set of shelves, so I was finally able to organize some of the junk I have laying around my office. I can actually see the top of my desk again!!! I have been keeping very busy all day, so why is it that it seems like time is moving so slow? I feel like I have been here for like 12 hours and in reality its only been about 6 minus a one hour lunch/shopping break. Why is it that the days I sit around doing almost nothing go by so fast, and when I am actually busy it is going so sssllloooowwww???

So I went shopping to buy my husband a Valentine's Day present. It is not really easy to come up with something for a guy....especially for my guy who is the hardest person I have ever had to buy presents for. Girls are so easy...you can just buy them some flowers and a box of chocolates and they are happy...well, most of them anyway! It is just so much easier to buy for girls. Anyway, so I had a really hard time finding something for him. So I ended up getting him some chocolates and a cd that he has been wanting. I hope he likes it. He has been so excited to give me my gift. I'm just not sure that I did enough for him. Last year we decided not to get each other anything cause we were short on cash, but then on V-day, he walked in with a gift for me and I felt terrible for not getting him anything. I just don't want him to be disappointed. I guess I'll find out soon enough.

I guess I will end this now cause I have nothing interesting to say and I am rambling. I will leave you with the lyrics that I just heard on the radio. This has been one of my favorites since the first time I heard it....

One of Us by Joan Osbourne

If God had a name, what would it be
And would you call it to his face
If you were faced with him in all his glory
What would you ask if you had just one question

And yeah yeah God is great yeah yeah God is good
yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

What if God was one of us
Just a slob like one of us
Just a stranger on the bus
Trying to make his way home

If God had a face what would it look like
And would you want to see
If seeing meant that you would have to believe
In things like heaven and in jesus and the saints and all the prophets

And yeah yeah god is great yeah yeah god is good
yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

What if God was one of us
Just a slob like one of us
Just a stranger on the bus
Trying to make his way home
He's trying to make his way home
Back up to heaven all alone
Nobody calling on the phone
Except for the pope maybe in rome

And yeah yeah God is great yeah yeah God is good
yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

What if god was one of us
Just a slob like one of us
Just a stranger on the bus
Trying to make his way home
Just trying to make his way home
Like a holy rolling stone
Back up to heaven all alone
Just trying to make his way home
Nobody calling on the phone
Except for the pope maybe in rome

I was thinking of this song this morning and thought that it would make the perfect valentine. Since I most likely won't be around tomorrow to wish everyone a Happy Valentine's Day, I thought I would share my perfect valentine with you this morning.

Beautiful by The Smashing Pumpkins

beautiful, you're beautiful, as beautiful as the sun
wonderful, you're wonderful, as wonderful as they come
and i can't help but feel attached
to the feelings i can't even match
with my face pressed up to the glass, wanting you
beautiful, you're beautiful, as beautiful as the sky
wonderful, it's wonderful, to know that you're just like I
and i'm sure you know me well, as i'm sure you don't
but you just can't tell
who'll you love and who you won't
and i love you, as you love me
so let the clouds roll by your face
we'll let the world spin on to another place
we'll climb the tallest tree above it all
to look down on you and me and them
and i'm sure you know me well, as i'm sure you don't
but you just can't tell, who you'll love and who you won't
don't let your life wrap up around you
don't forget to call, whenever
i'll be here just waiting for you
i'll be under your stars forever
neither here nor there just right beside you
i'll be under the stairs forever
neither here nor there just right beside you

Well, I decided to move some things around on my blog. Yeah, I know, it doesn't really look much different. I just re-arranged a few things basically. I think I need to work on a new header and maybe change my colors up a bit. I am starting to get bored with it the way it is. Hmmm....just got to figure out what I want to do....any suggestions are welcome!

Some days I feel that I wasted the education that I strived so hard for. I spent 3 1/2 years in college to get my B.S. in Psychology. After a short break, I decided to go back and start on a Masters in Social Welfare. I made it through one year of the four year program and quit because I couldn't fit the required practicum into my work schedule. That was about a year and and a half ago. I love Psychology and social work, but to get a good job in either of those fields, you have to have an advanced degree. So, I have settled for a job that is totally unrelated to either of those majors. The job that I have now is ok, and it pays pretty well considering that I had no experience when I started. But after working here for two years, I have finally discovered what I really love doing. One of the things I have found that I really like to do is web design. After working here for about 6 months, I convinced my bosses that we really needed to update our company website. Instead of hiring someone to do it, they decided to let me have a shot at it. At that time, web design was completely new to me. It was something I had thought about trying, but I guess I just never really had a reason to do it. So, I dove in and learned quite a bit about it and eventually came up with a new design and layout for our website. Everybody that looked at it loved it. Best of all, I had a great time doing it. I found that when I was working on the web site, I loved coming to work every day. So, web design soon became a new hobby of mine. I love to do it. The other thing that I have discovered that I love doing is graphic design. Once everyone saw what I did with the web site, they decided that they would give me a chance at some brochure designs. I have done several brochures and ads for my company now, all of which I think turned out pretty good. After doing these projects, I have figured out that I should have majored in graphic design. I absolutely love doing this stuff! The days that I get to work on design projects are the absolute best days I have at work. Unfortunately, they are few and far between because we just don't have the need for a lot of design stuff. Hopefully this will increase in the future. I just wish that I would have known eight years ago when I started college that this was what I really wanted to do. I can only imagine what I could do with this stuff if I actually had the right education behind me. I am trying to learn on my own, but it would be so much easier if I had the appropriate classes to teach me the programs and techniques of design! I just feel like I wasted a lot of time and effort getting a degree that did me absolutely no good. I wish I could go back and do things differently!

Many people have told me that I am strange because I prefer to stay friends with my ex-boyfriends, my ex-husband, and even a few other guys that I have dated. I don't really see this as strange. In fact, I find it to be quite natural. I have never dated anyone that I could not be friends with outside of the relationship. In fact, most of the guys that I have dated, I would consider to have been a "best friend" at some point in our relationship. I got an e-mail yesterday from my first "real" boyfriend. By real, I mean the first relationship that lasted more than a week, and the first person I could ever say that I really, truly loved. He wrote just to tell me Happy Birthday and that he was thinking of me and hoped that I had a great day. Not a huge deal. It probably took him less than a minute to write, but it means so much to me that he thought of me and remembered. We dated off and on for about 2 years, then chose to remain friends after that. We are now both married and have our own separate lives going on, but we still keep in contact. My husband and I even went and had dinner with him and his wife about a year and a half ago. Then there is my ex-husband. We keep in contact by e-mail. It was rough when we first split up, but I think we have both been able to get past that. I still consider him to be a good friend and I would really miss him if I was not able to keep in contact with him. There are a couple of other guys that I dated briefly that I still hear from every once in a while. I just don't think that it is that strange. Yet, I have people tell me all the time that they just can't believe that I can be that friendly with these guys. I would like to get some new opinions on this, so if anyone has any....leave a comment!!!

I've been doing some thinking which was sparked by a phone call and an e-mail that I received from a couple of old friends wishing me a happy birthday yesterday. I have moved many times in my life. So many that I don't even try to count anymore. Of all of the places that I have lived, there is one that stands out to me as my favorite. I don't know if it is because of the age I was when I lived there or if I really just liked the place. It was a small town. I'm not sure how many people cause I can't remember. It was one of those places where everyone knows everyone else and everyone else's business. I spent three years in that town. I was pretty young. I spent my 8th grade, Freshman, and Sophomore years of school there. I had great friends that I hung out with, a few that I still keep in contact with. I had great experiences. There was a community there where people actually cared about their neighbors. Of course you always have the small town rumors and such, but I tried to stay away from that. Kids could actually walk around town without having to worry about being abducted. My best friend and I would spend hours just walking around town and talking. We would go hang out at the local pizza shop without having to have our parents with us. When we started dating, we gave the local movie theatre lots of business. In the summers my friends and I would hang out at the pool all day (which was even more fun when football practice started cause the football team would practice in the park right next to the pool!). We would go to all the high school football games, basketball games, wresting meets, and track meets. The stands would always be packed full. The whole town would come out to show their support. I was also on the volleyball team. It was so much fun to go to the games and know that there was so much support. It made you want to play your best game ever every time. It was just a great place. When my parents told me we were moving from there, I was absolutely devastated. It was probably the most painful move I have ever had to go through. I had to leave some of the best friends I have ever had. I had to leave a place that I loved. I would like to think that I left a piece of me there. I've been there a few times since I moved. It has changed so much. The entire town looks different now. Businesses have gone in and out. Most of the people that I knew are gone. Everything is different. But, for the three years that I lived there, it was the best place I could have possibly been. I will never forget the people that I knew there or the memories that we made together.

At exactly 5:15 p.m. today I will be 26 years old. Yipee :roll: Birthdays just aren't that exciting anymore. I remember when I was a kid my birthday was such a special day. It was even better than Christmas cause it was just my day. Now its just no big deal. I find myself reflecting on my life today....things i've done, both right and wrong....people i've known.... places i've been....26 years worth of stuff. I should be happy but instead I find it rather depressing. I don't care about getting older. What bothers me is that there are so many things that I wanted to accomplish by this time in my life and I haven't even come close to most of them. I used to have so many goals and now I feel that I have just settled for what comes my way. Anyway, enough of the depressing stuff. I have actually gotten some presents this year for my birthday. Here is what I have received so far:

guitar case and tetris worlds from my hubby
sweater from my mom
pretty candle and holder from my sis & her family
$25 from my in-laws
box of chocolates from a co-worker

So I was listening to my Pearl Jam-Lost Dogs cd today and one of the songs on there just kind of sums up how I feel about my life today. I've heard this song a hundred times, but it just really stuck out today. So, for your reading pleasure, the lyrics to Hold On by Pearl Jam.

I was drawn...
Riding atop a black horse.
Whatever past there was,...
I could only observe...
Where the trouble starts.
Where does it end?
How can I be cured,...
How, before it ends?

I know... life would be different if I... held on. Held on.
I know... I could be something if I... held on.

Gave her life away,...
Put it in my pocket when it shoulda been framed.
Oh, I lost its shine.
Gotta get this outta my head,...
Out of my bed!
How could it end,...
End like this?
How could it end?

I know... life would be different had I... held on. Held on.
I know... I could be something had I... held on. Held on.
I know... I could be something if I... held on! Held on.
I know... life would be different if I... held on! Held on!

Held on. Held on. If I...
Held on. Held on. If I...
Held on. Held on. If I...
Held on. Held on.

Time seems to go by so fast when i am screwing around and not doing any work. I thought I would just get online for a little bit this morning to catch up after the weekend. Not a big deal, right? Well, now it is after 4:00 and I just realized that I have done very little work today at all cause I have been playing on the computer. Its a good thing that my bosses don't watch my workload very closely or they might start wondering. I'm not really sure where the day went to. If I was actually working it would probably only be 11:00 or so. Perhaps there was some kind of time warp that threw me a few hours into the future. I'm not sure, but the day has sure gone by fast! Now, if the next 45 minutes would just move a little quicker so I could go home!!!

Well, I don't usually do these types of things, but this one actually seems somewhat interesting so here goes....

-- BODY ILLS AND SKILLS --
Nervous Habits?: fiddling with my hair or whatever happens to be in my hand at the time
Are you double jointed?: no
Can you do weird things with your tongue?: no
Can you raise one eyebrow at a time?: sometimes
Can you blow spit bubbles?: never tried
Can you cross your eyes?: yes
Tattoos?: yes, a tiger on my back
Piercings?: yep, ears and navel
Do you make your bed daily?: no

-- WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU --
Kissed?: my husband
Hugged?: my husband
Talked to?: my mom
Went on a date with?: my husband
Laughed with?: myself
Hung out with?: hubby and the band guys


-- WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU --
Took a shower?: This morning
Cried?: a week or so ago
Talked on the phone?: this morning
Read a book?: last week
Punched Someone?: saturday night (all in fun, not to hurt them!)

-- CLOTHES --
Which shoe goes on first?: left
Speaking of shoes, have you ever thrown one at anyone?: no
On average, how much money do you carry with you? $20-$50
What jewelry do you wear 24/7?: earrings, wedding ring
Favorite Piece of Clothing?: Old Navy sweatshirt or my Godsmack sweatshirt
Pajamas?: pj pants and a tank top

-- FOOD --
Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it?: twirl
Have you ever eaten Spam?: NO!!!
Favorite Ice Cream Flavor?: Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough
How many cereals in your cabinet?: none
What's your favorite beverage?: Coke
What's your favorite resturant?: El Maguey, Olive Garden
Do you cook?: when i have to

-- GROOMING --
How often do you brush your teeth?: twice a day
How often do you shower/bathe?: every day
How long does your shower last?: 10-30 minutes
Hair drying method?: usually air dry, blow dry when its cold out
Do you paint your nails?: not often

-- MANNERS --
Do you swear?: yes
Do you ever spit?: not on purpose

-- WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE --
Animal: cats, tigers
Food: pizza, spagetti, chicken burritos
Month: May
Day: Saturday
Cartoon: Simpsons
Shoe Brand: Doc Martens, Adidas
Subject in school: never really had a favorite
Color: purple, yellow,
Sport: volleyball to play, football to watch
TV show: CSI: Las Vegas, That 70s Show
Thing to do in Spring: go for a long walk
Thing To Do In The Summer: go to concerts or anything outside
Thing To Do In Autumn: dread the coming winter
Thing To Do In The Winter: watch movies or read on the couch wrapped in a warm blanket

-- IN AND AROUND --
The CD Player: Jack Johnson, Evanescence
Person you talk to on the phone: husband and mom
Ever taken a cab? yes
Do you regularly check yourself out in store windows and mirrors?: yes
What color is your bedroom?: white
Do you use an alarm clock?: yes, but i still can't wake up!
Window seat or aisle?: window, you always have something to lean on

-- LA LA LAND --
What's your sleeping position?: back or side
Even in hot weather do you use a blanket?: YES!
Do you snore?: only when i am sick
Do you sleepwalk?: no
Do you talk in your sleep?: i hope not!
Do you sleep with a stuffed animals?: no, but i must have my feather pillow with my mickey mouse pillowcase
Do you fall asleep with the TV or radio on?: sometimes

-- WHICH IS BETTER --
Coke or Pepsi?: Coke
One pillow or two?: 2
Deaf or blind?: deaf
Pools or hot tubs?: hot tubs
Blondes or brunettes?: either
TV or radio?: radio
tic tacs or Certs?: certs
Tall or Short?: tall
Sunrise or Sunset?: sunset
Hamburger or Cheeseburger?: cheeseburger
Morning or night?: night
Sports or news?: news
Christmas Eve or Christmas Day?: Christmas day
Cake or ice cream? cake
Spearmint or Peppermint?: spearmint
Bath or shower?: shower
Book or Movie?: usually movie
Green or Red apples?: green

-- THE FUTURE --
Where do you see yourself in ten years?: hopefully still married with my own house and 2 kids
Who are you going to be married to?: my current husband
How many kids?: 2
Your profession: would love for it to be web design, but will probably still be where i am now

For some reason I am just getting pissed off at everything today. I have no idea why. I just want to be left alone. I don't want my phone to ring. I don't want to talk to anyone. I just want to be left alone. I am tired and cranky and I just don't want to be bothered. I especially don't want to be bothered by stupid co-workers who are almost twice my age that can't figure out how to do the simplest of tasks. I want to go home and go back to bed and wake up to a different day cause this one is not making me happy.

I just heard another Staind song on the radio and it reminded me of this one. I have always liked this song. In a weird kind of way it reminds me of someone from my past. I always thought that if I was in a band I would do a cover of this song. I love to sing it in the car with the volume turned way up!

Mudshovel by Staind

You take away
I feel the same

You take away
I feel the same
All the promises you made to me you made in vain
I lost myself inside your tainted smile again

Cause you can't feel my ANGER
You can't feel my pain
You can't feel my torment
Driving me insane
I can't fight these feelings they will bring me pain
You can't take away
Make me whole again

I feel betrayed
Stuck in your ways
And you rip me apart
With the brutal things you say
I can't deal with this shit anymore
I just look away

Cause you can't feel my ANGER
You can't feel my pain
You can't feel my torment
Driving me insane
I can't fight these feelings they bring only pain
You can't take away
Make me whole again

Mudshovel

You take away
I feel the same
All these promises
You promised only pain
If you take away
And leave me with nothing again

'Cause you can't feel my ANGER
You can't feel my pain
You can't feel my torment
Driving me insane
I can't fight these feelings they will bring me pain
You can't take away
Make me whole again

You will feel my anger
You will feel my pain
You will feel my torment
Driving you insane
I can't fight these feelings they will bring you pain
You won't take away
I'll be whole again

Mudshovel

We have a tradition at my office for everyone's birthdays. We always have a birthday lunch and order in pizza and have cake and all that stuff. So, today was the birthday lunch for me and my mom (our birthdays are 4 days apart so we have ours together). It is nice to have everybody sit down together and have lunch and socialize.

Another tradition we have is Daquiri day. The friday following the first day of Spring is always Daquiri day. Of course, once a year is not enough, so we usually work in a couple more when we find an appropriate occasion. One of the guys in our office brings in his homemade daquiris (the best I've ever had!) and we pretty much just take the afternoon off from work and drink daquiris. I love those days!!!

I found out this morning that one of the ladies in our office just handed in her resignation. Under normal circumstances this would not be a big deal, but we are a pretty close group. There are only 10 people total in our office. The lady that is leaving, Cindy, has worked here for about 6 years. She and my mom were hired here at the same time and have become really good friends in the time that they have worked together. I have been working here for just over 2 years now and have gotten to know her pretty well myself. I am happy for her because she has chosen to retire. She is moving to her lake house with her husband and is very excited about it. It will be wonderful for them, but we will miss her very much around here. Plus, bringing in someone new will really change our office dynamics I think. It will be strange for a while, but change in inevitable and sometimes can be good. I guess we'll see what happens.

I made it home through the snow. I am hoping I can just be snowed in for a couple of days. I copied a bunch of files and brought a bunch of work home with me. When I just got it out to start on it, I realized my disk is still sitting in my computer at work so I have none of my files!!!! Oh, well! Just less work I can get done. I can still do some of the other stuff!

One of the comments to my dream blog sparked a question in my mind and I would like to hear what others have to say on the subject. Please leave a comment and answer the question below!

What is the strangest, best, or most unusual place you have had sex?
Probably the most unusual place for me was in a cemetary. It was one of the few places that my boyfriend and I could get away by ourselves without any parents around! It sounds kinda creepy when you think about it, but it really wasn't. I have some great memories from that cemetary!!!

Once again, I know this is not the usual type of content I have in my blog, but I guess it is just on my mind today!

I just looked outside and all I can see is white! I can't even see the buildings across the parking lot from ours. It really is pretty, but it sure does make it hard to get around! Behind our building is a bunch of trees and a wooded area. It is so beautiful to look at with the snow falling. I wish I had a camera here so I could take some pics! I was supposed to have a birthday lunch today with the other girls in the office and now it has been cancelled. :( No one wants to get out in the snow. No birthday lunch for me. Maybe we will reschedule for next week.

I had a very strange dream lastnight. I'm not sure why....maybe cause I was thinking about snow as I drifted off to sleep. I very rarely ever remember my dreams, but I guess this one was good enough that I really wanted to remember it! :wink:

I was living in a small town, the kind of place where everybody knows everybody. I guess there was a big snow storm and everyone was home because of the snow. For some reason, me and my significant other decided it would be fun to have sex in the snow. (I'm not sure where this idea came from cause there is no way i would ever want to be naked in the snow!!!) So we go outside in the back yard and start getting busy. I am laying flat on my back in the snow (brrrr!) and he is on top. Apparently we were smart enough to bring a blanket to cover ourselves, but not one to lay on the ground! All of a sudden I look up and half the town is standing around watching us. Of course this freaks me out. Then they all start telling us how we are these bad horrible people and that we are going to hell for doing this. We just lay there and take it cause we don't want to try to get up with all these people watching. Then the alarm goes off and it is over. I am safe from the mean neighbors and warm and snuggy in my bed with my hubby.

I just don't really know what to make of it. I very rarely ever have such vivid dreams that I remember. This one was kinda strange.

I found out today that my Grandpa is going to start getting hospice care. It is rather sad to think about because that means that his doctor has diagnosed him as terminal. The good part is that he will have someone coming in to disperse his meds and make sure he is eating. Also, Medicare pays for hospice and will pay for all of his meds while he is in hospice care. My grandparents have been really struggling with the cost of the meds. I'm just not really sure how to feel about the whole thing. I am glad that he will be getting better care. My Grandma just is not able to give him the care he needs anymore. Its just not that great to know that he is in hospice care and that he most likely will not be around much longer.

Most of you know (if you have been reading) that I am a big Pearl Jam fan. They have been one of my favorite bands since I was in high school and were definitely influential during my college years. A lot of my friends make fun of me and say that they are washed up, but they still continue to amaze me with their talent and energy. I just heard Man of the Hour on the radio and was reminded how much I really enjoy their music. For some reason this song just really struck me today.

Man of the Hour-Pearl Jam (Big Fish Soundtrack)

Tidal waves don’t beg forgiveness
Crashed and on their way
Father he enjoyed collisions; others walked away
A snowflake falls in may.
And the doors are open now as the bells are ringing out
Cause the man of the hour is taking his final bow
Goodbye for now.

Nature has its own religion; gospel from the land
Father ruled by long division, young men they pretend
Old men comprehend.

And the sky breaks at dawn; shedding light upon this town
They’ll all come ‘round
Cause the man of the hour is taking his final bow
Goodbye for now.

And the road
The old man paved
The broken seams along the way
The rusted signs, left just for me
He was guiding me, love, his own way
Now the man of the hour is taking his final bow
As the curtain comes down
I feel that this is just goodbye for now.

A thought came to me lastnight. Yeah, I know, amazing isn't it? I was thinking about depression and moodiness and how here lately I have had quite a bout with both of these. I decided to read a little before I went to bed and picked up a book I have laying on my bedside table. It is called Don't Sweat the Small Stuff for Women. I can't think of the author just now. I bought this book a while back and instead of reading it straight through, I just pick it up and read a passage every now and then. The one I read lastnight went along really well with the thoughts that I was having. It basically talked about how we get into low or depressed moods. She said that part of what causes us to get in those types of moods is a "trigger thought" or a thought that gets us thinking other bad or depressing thoughts. Then, we tend to linger on those thoughts and get in a low or depressed mood. So, I pondered this for a while and I realized that there is some truth to that. I realized that when I am down or depressed, there usually is a thought that triggers it. Of course it is not always the same, but there are a few certain things that I find myself lingering on that definitely put me in that kind of mood. Certain people, certain situations that I think about really do get me down. I think that if I learn to recognize these particular thoughts when I have them and try to change my way of thinking, maybe I can reduce my moodiness and be a little bit happier. I really don't like feeling depressed. So, my new goal is to try to recognize these thoughts when they occur and try to replace them with something that I know puts me in a good mood. I'm not sure how it will work, but I'm willing to give it a try. Wish me luck!!!

This song has got to be my favorite on the Evanescence cd. The words have been rolling over and over in my head all day so now I'm sharing it with you. There are certain songs that I hear that I just can't get out of my head. There are words that touch me in ways that I can't explain. Some songs remind me of people or places in my past and spark so much emotion that I have forgotten was even there. It is amazing how someone else's words can have such an effect on my life. Anyway, here are the words that have touched me tonight.

my immortal

my immortal
i'm so tired of being here
suppressed by all of my childish fears
and if you have to leave
i wish that you would just leave
because your presence still lingers here
and it won't leave me alone

these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase

when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and i've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me

you used to captivate me
by your resonating light
but now i'm bound by the life you left behind
your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase

when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and i've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me

i've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
and though you're still with me
i've been alone all along

I have been talking for about a month now about starting a new diet/exercise program. I've been kinda stumbling around with this for a while. Well, yesterday, I officially started my exercise program. I got a little push from reading sillygrrl3's blog. She had a link to Freetrainers.com so I checked it out and I really like it. It helps you build a custom workout to get the results you are looking for. It has a lot of other kinda neat features also. I think I'll try it out for a while and see how it goes. I did my first workout lastnight and did chest and I am sore today! But it actually feels good cause I know I did something. I hope this will help to keep me motivated! I really want to get in shape before I go to Hawaii in August!!!

I finally got my "review" at work today....and I got a $3000 a year raise! :D This should all be good news, but I got kinda pissed off. My boss (the bad boss) told me during my review that I am doing a great job, but that he had noticed that I have a bit of an attitude at times, which he says is not necessary or appropriate. I completely disagree with this. I may have an attitude at times, but I think that I keep it pretty much to myself when I'm at work. I am very honest and speak my mind freely, but I don't think I have an attitude problem. So, I was discussing this with my other boss (the good boss) later and he just laughed and basically told me not to worry about it. He does not agree with the bad boss. It made me feel better, but I'm still kinda pissed. So, I asked a couple of other people and they said that they don't think I have an attitude. Even though I am pissed, I can find the humor in it. Everyone else in the office agrees that the bad boss is the one with the attitude problem and we have been thinking this for quite a while. Even the good boss, who is his partner thinks that the bad boss needs a serious attitude adjustment.

Anyway, congratulations to me for getting my raise!!! Now I can start my guitar lessons I have been wanting so badly!