I feel like everything I have written lately has had a bit of a negative vibe and I don't like it. I want to get back to my happy-go-lucky self. I want to be happy and fill my days with humor rather than bitchiness. I just wish I could figure out how to change that.

Now that I have that out of the way, let me bitch some more.....

I feel claustrophobic in my life right now. I feel like everything is closing in on me and it is becoming more and more difficult to breathe. I keep gasping for more air, but there is none to take in. I scratch at the walls, trying to get out, but there is no escape.

There is so much going on in my life. I am absolutely swamped at work (which is exactly why I am taking time out of work to blog right now). I've been having to work late several nights a week, which I very rarely ever do. When I get home from work there is so much that needs to be done that I don't even know where to start. When I try to relax, I can't because I am fretting over all the stuff that needs to be done. I am way behind on housework and laundry. My house needs a major cleaning before Friday (company coming over) and I just can't seem to motivate myself to do it. I have only practiced my guitar twice this week and my lesson is tomorrow. I still need to paint two more rooms in my house, which I have been putting off since last September. I have boxes still sitting around that haven't been unpacked since we moved last Sept. There are a couple of doorknobs that need replaced. Plus, on top of all that, the grass is getting tall and will need to be mowed. I need to clean up my yard before it can be mowed, plus do some trimming of bushes, cleaning out flowerbeds, etc. I also need to get my garden planted soon. I am exhausted just thinking about all of it!

If I just had a magic genie in a lamp to come grant me three wishes......

I would like to know why I can't get back on task and focus after being interupted. I was working hard this morning, took a break to grab some lunch and blog, and now I just can't get my mind back into my work. I think if I only worked 4 hours a day instead of 8 I would be able to focus better during the time that I am here. That would leave me another 4 hours to blog, and do other fun stuff. That way, when I was working, I could actually devote 100% of my attention to my job. Makes sense to me! Now, if I could only convince my boss to pay me for 8 when I only work 4.......

I had it out with the hubby lastnight. Things were actually going ok. I came home and he had done some picking up and even did the dishes that had piled up over the weekend. I was shocked, but it was so nice for him to help me out with that stuff. I set up a webcam on our computer cause his little brother over in Hawaii just got one, so I thought it would be nice for them to be able to see each other and talk. Got it all set up and we tried it out and he loved it. I thought we were having a great evening. Then I guess I made a comment that made him mad. Then he replied to it and made me mad. Before I knew it we were arguing.

When we fight, we always start out yelling. Then we take a break for a few minutes and allow ourselves to calm down and then talk things over. It all started over one little thing and then led to another, and another, and another. By the time we were done I had vented about things that I didn't even really know were bothering me. When we were too tired to go on anymore, he turned to me and said, "See, we needed to talk about things even if you didn't want to. That one issue led us to talking about all these other things. Do you feel better now?" And I did feel better. I felt a huge relief. And, on top of that, I had the best night's sleep that I have had in a long time. It's amazing the effect it can have when you just talk it out and get things off your chest.

I borrowed this from ceeceesun cause I had nothing better to do.

1. What time is it? 12:01 p.m.

2. Name as it appears on your birth certificate? Not tellin you

3. Number of candles on your last birthday cake? didn't have a cake

4. Birthday? - 1 every year

5. Pets? 1 cat-Pedro, 1 dog-Zeke, and 2 guinea pigs-Doobie, Miss Piggy

6. Hair color? - brown

7. Eye color? - blue (sometimes a little greenish)

8. How much do you love your job? - depends on the day

9. Hometown? - never really had one

10. Town you live in now? - KC

11. Favorite food? - Mexican or Italian

12. Been to Africa? - nope

13. Been toilet papering? - nope

14. Love someone so much it made you cry? - YES!

15. Been in a car accident? - yes, 4 I think

16. croutons or bacon bits? - croutons

17. favorite day of the week? - Friday

18. favorite word or phrase? - "wanker"

19. favorite restaurant? - El Maguay

20. favorite flower? - don't really have a favorite

21. favorite sport to watch? - Volleyball, then football

22. favorite drink? - Coca-Cola

23. favorite ice cream? - Vanilla with Oreos on top or Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough

24. Disney or Warner Brothers? - Disney

25. favorite fast-food restaurant? - Sonic

26. Color of bedroom carpet? - Ugly tanish brown

27. How many times did you fail your driver's license test? - 0

28. Before this one, who did you get your last email from? - Mary (work stuff)

29. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? - Best Buy

30. What do you do most often when you're bored? - read blogs

31. What's the most annoying thing people ask you? - "What's for dinner?"

32. When is your bedtime? - when I feel like it

33. Who will respond to this the quickest? - n/a

34. Who is the person least likely to respond? - n/a

35. Favorite TV show? - The O.C. (pathetic, huh?)

36. Last person you went to dinner with? - my hubby

37. Ford or Chevy? - Dodge

38. Do you have a crush on someone? If so, who? - maybe.....

39. Time you finished this? 12:10 p.m.

Well, I was awfully ambitious on Friday wanting to do all that yardwork and stuff. Guess what? I didn't do a damn thing! Friday night I ended up having to work an extra hour and a half to finish up a project, which really started my weekend out on the wrong foot. My hubby and I had planned on a dinner and movie night, but it ended up being just dinner. We went home and were in bed by 10:00 cause I was so freakin' tired. Amazingly enough I finally got a pretty good night's sleep. Saturday, I never made it to buy my gardening supplies. I never went out to work in the yard. It rained off and on all day and I just didn't feel like doing anything. Ended up going bowling Saturday night with my sister and her husband and some friends. We had a great time and I have discovered that I must have used some muscles that my body forgot I had while I was bowling, cause I am so sore now! Sunday, I went to take some new press photos for my friend's band. Then we hung around for band practice. By the time we got home, my weekend was over and I accomplished absolutely nothing. But I enjoyed every minute of it.

Have I mentioned lately how much I love Spring? It is so nice and warm out today. It was dark and gloomy this morning, but the sun is finally peeking through. I noticed lastnight as I was walking my dog how much greener the grass is starting to get. I want to get out and do some work on my yard this weekend if the rain will stay away. I need to get some seeds for my garden and maybe some pots to start my tomatoes in. I need to get all the broken tree branches and stuff picked up before it is time to start mowing. I have so much to do. I've never had my own yard to work on before and I'm just so excited. I need to buy some hedge trimmers and a weed eater. I also need to clean my house, but yardwork sounds more fun! Hmmm....I think I should start making a list.

Just a song to suit my mood right now.

Anything But Down-Sheryl Crow

I light your cigarettes
I bring you apples from the vine
How quickly you forget
I run the bath and pour the wine
I bring you everything that floats into your mind

But you don't bring me anything but down
You don't bring me anything but down
You don't bring me anything but down
When you come 'round

You are a raging sea
I pull myself out everyday
I plea insanity
Cause I can't leave but I can't stay
You say, won't you come find me and yes is what I say

You don't bring me anything but down
You don't bring me anything but down
Everything is crashing to the ground
Maybe I'm not your perfect kind
Maybe I'm not what you had in mind
Maybe we're just killing time

You with your silky words
And your eyes of green and blue
You with your steel beliefs
That don't match anything you do
It was so much easier before you became you

You don't bring me anything but down
You don't bring me anything but down
Everything just crashes to the ground
When you come around
When you come around

No more playing seek and hide
No more long and wasted nights
Can't you make it easy on yourself

I know you wish you were strong
You wish you were never wrong
Well, I got some wishes of my own

Directly from the American Heritage Dictionary....

van·i·ty n. pl., van·i·ties. 1. The quality or condition of being vain. 2. [b]Excessive pride in one's appearance or accomplishments[/b]; conceit. See Synonyms at conceit. 3. Lack of usefulness, worth, or effect; worthlessness. 4. a. Something that is vain, futile, or worthless. b. Something about which one is vain or conceited.

I was having a conversation with a friend of mine this morning on vanity. I said that I think a person who goes to a tanning bed is being vain. I'm not meaning to offend anyone, this is merely my opinion. So, as we go on through the conversation, I was identifying what I thought of as vain. I have no problem with someone trying to look good and be proud of their appearance, but it is the extent that some people will go to for the results that bothers me. For example, someone who works out every day to keep their body in good shape so that they can be proud of it is not vain in my eyes. Someone who pumps themselves full of steroids so they will become big and bulky and people will notice them is totally vain.

I'm interested to see what others have to say about this. I don't think I'm out of line in my opinion.

Busy, busy, busy...no time to blog today. Things at my office are crazy right now. I even came in to work an hour earlier than usual today, and I still did not accomplish my number one goal for the day. Now that it is almost time to go, I decided it was time to take a break and relax for a few minutes. I want very badly to just go home and go to bed, but I still have guitar lessons tonight before I can head home. I am just so tired. I really need to get a good night's sleep. At least tomorrow is Friday and this week will finally be over. I am so ready for the weekend!

I just don't want to work today. I keep trying, but it is just not happening. I am bored. I'm even bored with tblog today. I think that is a first. I need to pep myself up somehow. I can't even think straight today. I need to figure out who took off with my brain. Maybe if I find them they will bring it back.

I was going to make another post today about something that is spinning around in my head, but I decided that it is too personal even for tblog. I think I'll just keep it to myself for now. I don't think I really want to talk about it.

I want to go home and sleep for a week. I don't want to talk to anybody. I don't want to see anybody. I just want to be alone with my pillow and my thoughts.

I think its time for a vacation, a break from my life.

I am having a hard time blogging today because I have a lot going on in my head. I just can't slow it down enough to actually come up with coherent sentences. I started to write it all out, but it just wasn't happening, so I have changed modes for now. Hopefully I will finish it and post it later.

I was browsing White's new blog today and I have stolen this idea from him.

5 things that piss me off today...
1. Men (well, mainly my husband. the rest are ok.)
2. My dog waking me up at 5:00 wanting to play
3. Burning my tongue on my Hot Pocket
4. My co-workers
5. My increasingly boring job

Also, like White, I will post my song of the day. I have been listening to Tori Amos today. One of my favorite Tori songs is 1000 Oceans. I love to listen to it when I am really depressed. Don't ask why.

1000 Oceans-Tori Amos

These tears I've cried
I've cried 1000 oceans
And if it seems
I'm floating in the darkness
Well, I can't believe that I would keep
Keep you from flying
And I would cry 1000 more
If that's what it takes
To sail you home
Sail you home
Sail you home

I'm aware what the rules are
But you know that I will run
You know that I will follow you
Over silbury hill
Through the solar field
You know that I will follow you

And if I find you
Will you still remeber
Playing at trains
Or does this litte blue ball
Just fade away
Over silbury hill
Through the solar field
You know that I will follow you
I'm aware what the rules are
But you know that I will run
You know that I will follow you

These tears I've cried
I've cried 1000 oceans
And if it seems
I'm floating in the darkness
Well I can't believe that I would keep
Keep you from flying
So I will cry 1000 more
If that's what it takes
To sail you home
Sail you home
Sail you home
Sail
Sail you home

I am so ready for Spring and warmer weather. It is my favorite time of year and I am really looking forward to it. I am going to plant a garden this year, which I have never done before. I think it will be fun to plant and watch it grow. Plus, I'll have lots of fresh veggies to eat all summer long! We also have a pear tree in our front yard that we will get to enjoy this year. I found this peeking out from a bush in my yard this weekend. To me, it is a reminder that warmer weather is on its way!
[image]hardtoimagine_6170 1841.jpg[/image]

Anyone who reads my blog knows that I love music. I would say that it is one of my "most important things" that I must have in my life to be happy. I love listening to music wherever I am, and also love seeing it live. I go to concerts and local shows whenever I have the chance. My husband also loves music, but we differ quite a bit on the kinds of music we listen to. He is very opinionated on the type of music he will listen to and if it is not "his" kind of music, he will turn it off or change it. I, on the other hand, will listen to almost anything. I love to be exposed to new music. Even if I don't like it, I will at least give it a chance. When it comes to concerts, we are the same way. There are a lot of bands that we both like, and when we see them in concert we have a great time. However, there are some we disagree on. For example, two of my absolute favorite bands to see in concert are Pearl Jam and Dave Matthews Band. They are just amazing live and I try to see them as often as possible. My husband, however, doesn't really care for either of them. When they do come in concert near where I live, of course I want to go. Last year, they both toured in my area and I told him that I was buying tickets and asked if he wanted to go. He said that he would go and give it a try, so we bought tickets and went. At the Pearl Jam concert it was pouring down raining (at an outdoor venue) the entire concert. It was cold and miserable, but I still enjoyed the show. He did nothing but complain the whole time we were there. I didn't bitch too much about it because the rain really did suck. Then at the Dave Matthews Band concert, after the first 30 minutes or so, he decided to just sit in his chair and play games on his cell phone for the rest of the show. This kinda irked me. Okay, it did more than irk me, it really pissed me off. It pretty much ruined the rest of the concert for me. I paid a lot of money for the tickets and I think he could have at least watched the show and tried to give it a chance. So, we argued about it and never got anywhere. since then I have left it alone and not brought it back up. Now that we are coming back around to the big summer concert season, I am trying to decide what to do. I know there are some concerts coming that I really want to go to, including Dave Matthews Band. I also know that they are not concerts that he will enjoy going to. Yet, he doesn't want me to go with someone else. If he goes with me, I am afraid that he will ruin the concerts for me because he will complain the whole time. If I just tell him that I am going with someone else, he will be pissed. I'm not sure what to do. On top of that, the person I would want to go with is my ex. He and I always shared a love of DMB. I know that would never fly. I'm open to suggestions if anyone has any!!!

Have you been looking for White? He has a new blog at blogspot. Seems he is firewalled from tblog at work, so he has moved. Please go visit him!

I pulled out my old Lisa Loeb "Firecracker" cd this weekend and gave it a listen. It is one of those surprise cds in my collection. I bought it because there was one song on it that I liked and after listening to it found that I really like the whole cd. I thought I would share one of my favorite songs from that cd this morning, as I have not completely woken up yet and have nothing better to write about...

Falling In Love-Lisa Loeb

She wanted to be a cowboy,
She was shootin' 'em down,
She was tramping around.
He walked in crooked with the clear blue eyes.
"There's a nice pool at my motel - you want to go for a swim?"
That night he moved in.
The time between meeting and finally leaving is
Sometimes called falling in love.
The time between meeting and finally leaving is
Sometimes called falling in love.
At night she'd wait for the sound of his feet on the doormat,
The sound of his hand on the doorknob,
The sound of her heart beating in her head.
He'd go out playing nickel slots, cause he knew he'd lose -
She didn't know, so she couldn't choose.
One night while sleeping along in her bed,
The phone rang, she woke up, and sat up and said,
"What time is it? What time is it?"
"Well, it's 5:30 here and it's 2:30 there,
And I won't be home tonight," he said.
The time between meeting and finally leaving is
Sometimes called falling in love.
The time between meeting and finally leaving is
Sometimes called falling in love.
Now she sits in a booth in a diner,
Waiting for someone to take her order,
Waiting for someone to come and sit down.
She rubs the smudge off the photograph, puts it back into her purse.
The grey sky was romatic cause he was holding her hand,
He was her man.
The time between meeting and finally leaving is
Sometimes called falling in love.
The time between meeting and finally leaving is
Sometimes calling falling in love.
Sometimes called falling in love.
She wanted to be a cowboy,
She was shootin' 'em down,
She was tramping around.

My friends' band flexible bullit finally has a new guitarist. They have been looking for quite a while now and have finally found the guy that they think will work. I have done some some updates on the web site, including a couple new mp3's. There will be more updates and new pics soon!

My blog hits have majorly decreased in the last week or so. I have noticed that a couple of my posts have not shown up in the recent posts list, but i can't believe that it makes that big of a difference!

Yes, once again, I know it shouldn't matter. Just like being on hot blogs shouldn't matter. But it makes me feel good anyway to know someone out there is reading!

Of course, I will continue to post regardless of whether or not anyone is reading cause I like it....and I have nothing better to do!

I would love to write a really interesting, thought-provoking blog today, but nothing is coming to me. Instead, I'm just going to throw together a bunch of crap cause I don't feel like working and this is much more fun.

Apparently, the people that run my building have decided that since the sun finally decided to show its face around here, they don't need to run the heat anymore. My office is feeling a bit like a freezer today and has been all week. I am very thankful for the little electric heater that I keep under my desk, because otherwise I would be one big freakin' block of ice and would not be able to type.

hmmm....there was something else I wanted to write but now I can't remember what it was. Hopefully I will remember it later.

Here is a pic of my dog, Zeke. I was playing with my new camera phone and came up with this.
[image]hardtoimagine_1207 09481.jpg[/image]

Can you tell I'm bored today???

I am so tired of hearing everyone bitch about their exes. All morning I've had to listen to my mom bitch about my dad and my boss bitch about his ex-wife. I am trying to get some work done for a change and I can't even ask a simple question cause now they are too busy bitching to each other! I am so glad that me and my ex can get along. There was a time when we were very angry with each other, but we have always been able to talk. I guess I'm just not in the mood to deal with this today. I was in a great mood this morning. I usually am on fridays. I am so looking forward to the weekend!

Thought I would join in and answer the Friday 5 today:

1. If you owned a restaurant, what kind of food would you serve?

Cajun. I'm not really a fan of the Cajun food, but if I could convince my mother-in-law to come be the cook, I'm sure it would be a huge success. Plus, I can make a kick-ass Jambalya!

2. If you owned a small store, what kind of merchandise would you sell?

A guitar shop. I would sell new and used and definitely offer good deals on trade-ins. I would keep my prices low, high enough to make a profit, but low enough to keep the customers coming back.

3. If you wrote a book, what genre would it be?

Probably romance. Possibly an autobiography. I would have to write about things I already know, cause I hate doing research!

4. If you ran a school, what would you teach?

Music.

5. If you recorded an album, what kind of music would be on it?

Good old fashioned Rock'n'Roll with some kick-ass guitar solos and positive, uplifting lyrics. I'm tired of all the depressing music on the radio!

There are none. I have done almost nothing at work this week. I don't know what it is. Don't know how to explain it. I come to work and sit at my desk and I have done nothing all week. I don't know where the hours go. I've been on tblog a lot, but not 30 hours of tblog. I am getting so behind. I need to get this stuff done, but I just can't make myself work. I feel really bad about it. I feel that I am cheating my boss out of his money cause he is paying me to sit here and do nothing. I feel like such a big loser. It is almost 3 o'clock and I can only think of one thing I did today that may have taken a whole 10 minutes. I guess maybe I should stop writing and do something for a change.

So much for my nice quiet evening at home. I wanted so badly to just stay home and relax, but it didn't work out that way. When I got home, I did relax for a few minutes. Then, much to my husband's dismay, I decided to go play my guitar for a while instead of fixing dinner. Turns out that was a good idea, because my little brother called a few minutes later and asked if we wanted to go have dinner and drinks with him and his girlfriend. If it would have been anybody else calling, I probably would have said no, but it is very rare that my brother actually wants to do anything with us. Not because he doesn't like us, just cause he is so busy all the time. So, we met them at their apartment and went out to Old Chicago, one of their favorite hangouts. The bar was packed of course cause it was St. Patrick's Day, so we ended up getting a table in the dining side. We had a few drinks and dinner and had a great time just visiting.

Now, the interesting part of this blog is not that I went out to dinner with my brother. I want to talk more about our relationship. I was just about to turn five when my brother was born. Up until that time, I had always been the baby of the family, the cute one that everyone paid attention to. Well, when he was born that all changed. First of all, I didn't want a boy. I wanted a girl. So, I was kinda mad at my mom and dad for bringing a boy home. I absolutely hated him at first. I got over that (a little bit) and then I wanted to play with him. My sister was really good about helping my mom with the baby and I guess I just felt completely out of the loop. So, one day when he was napping, my mom had gone downstairs to do something. I heard him wake up and start crying, so I thought I would help my mom out by going and getting him and bringing him to her. Well, I couldn't reach over the side of the crib, so I had to get a chair to stand on. I climbed up there and picked him up and when I went to step down, the chair tipped....suddenly me and the baby were both laying on the floor crying. Of course I jumped up quickly as I didn't want my mom to know what had happened. But, I just couldn't manage to hide the bump on his head. Plus, my mom heard us fall. I'm not sure that my brother ever forgave me for that.

My brother and I just never really got along when we were kids. There is always the typical sibling rivalry, but ours was much worse than that. Him and my sister always seemed to be together. I, being the middle child, was always left out of everything. My brother and I were always fighting. Not just the typical yelling and screaming...we were physical. I was a bit of a tomboy, and he was a bit of a sissy, so it was actually quite amusing! This went on for years.

Just before my junior year of high school my family moved (again). We moved to Kansas City, where our lives changed forever. By that time, my sister was away at college, so it was just me and my brother most of the time. We still had the occasional fight, which I would always blame on him so I didn't get in trouble. But, things started to change. We went to school at Lincoln Prep, a school where whites were the minority. This was a major change for both of us as we had mostly lived in small towns where there were very rarely ever people of any other race. It was quite an adjustment for us. It was difficult to make friends at this new school. So, we spent a lot of time hanging out together after school. It was also during these years that we fist began to see the strain between our parents. My dad was unhappy with his job, so he started being home more and more. My mom started staying at work more and more. It got to the point where we were lucky to see my mom for more than 15-20 minutes before we went to bed at night. When she was home, she was fighting with my dad. With all of this going on, my brother and I clung to each other. It was hard to deal with the situation going on.

My mom and my brother were very close. When she was home, she was always doing something with him. I think it was her escape. Pretty soon, my dad started noticing this and started taking it out on my brother. My dad was never physical with us kids. It tore him up to have to spank us. One day he and my brother had been fighting. My brother was a pretty mouthy little kid and always said exactly what he was thinking so it was not unusual to see him fighting with someone. This particular day, I walked into the room and my dad had my brother pinned up against the wall, his hands around my brother's arms, and was just shaking him and knocking him against the wall. I was terrified. I froze. I had never seen my dad like this. I didn't know what to do. When my dad finally saw me he stopped and sent my brother to his room. He never said a word about it. From that day on, when my dad was home I made sure that my brother was either in his room or with me. I started doing my homework in the living room instead of my bedroom. I made sure that I always knew where my brother was. I wanted so badly to be able to protect him.

I finally graduated and went off to college. I left him there alone with all that was going on. I worried about him daily, but he found ways to cope. He got in with a pretty rough crowd at school. He started skipping school, sometimes for weeks at a time. He was in a deep depression. He was smoking pot and drinking and who knows what else. I don't know the whole story. He ended up getting cornered and having a knife pulled on him. Fortunately, he had a friend there that got him out of the situation. But he was told that they knew where he lived and that next time they would have a gun.

My mom decided it was time to leave, at least for my brother's sake. She moved out and took my brother with her. He got into a better school system. He made new friends. His grades started going up. He turned into a completely different person. He got a job to help my mom out with some of the expenses. He finally became the great kid that everyone knew he could be. He was still a bit reclusive, but we were all amazed at the change in him.

I didn't see him much until I graduated from college and moved back to the area. I had just gotten a divorce and was living on my own for the first time in my life, so I spent a lot of time hanging out at my mom's. Most of the time, he would be back in his room. He would come out every once in a while to say hi, but that was about it. The next year, my mom, brother, and I all moved into a duplex together. He graduated from high school. We got to know each other a little better.

Over the last few years, we have really gotten to know each other as adults. He has become so much more mature (as have I). We have become friends. He met a wonderful girl that has really helped him straighten his life out and helped him to grow up a little. I am pretty sure that they will be married someday. She already feels like part of the family.

My little brother that I hated so much as a kid has grown up to be a very respectable man. I love him so much. I am still amazed that he doesn't hate me for the way I treated him as a kid. I treasure every minute that I get to hang out with him, which is why I couldn't turn down his invitation lastnight. I don't get to see him as often as I would like. He is always busy. I only hope that someday he will know how much I really do care about him.

**Sorry this is so long! Sometimes I just can't stop writing! If you made it this far, thank you for taking the time to read my post!**

I am having a rather blah day. Wish I liked to drink green beer as I would be ready to go out and party it up after work, but no, I think instead I will go home and do nothing. Sounds like a great time to me. There are a couple of good bands playing tonight, but I just don't think I have the energy for it. I just hope that the hubby will not mind making his own dinner tonight so I can relax. Maybe I can get a good guitar practice in or read for a while.

I just found out that the lead singer of one of my favorite local bands, Audio Kombat Arsenal, is going to leave the band. It is not because he [i]wants[/i] to leave the band. I guess his throat is getting pretty messed up. He has been to a specialist and they told him that he must quit to save his throat. Anyway, his final show is this Saturday. I'm kinda bummed cause I really like the band, but Joe is what draws me to them. Not only is he incredibly sexy, but he has a great voice and he really livens up the shows. He just has a knack for getting the crowd pumped up. I will definitely miss his performances. There is a link to the AKA website on the left, but I am not putting it here because the website seems to be having problems today. If you are in the KC area and are interested in the show, there are details on the boomstick website.

Hope my header gets fixed soon. It is really bugging me. Guess that's about it....I'm outta here!

I just heard this song on the radio. I haven't heard it in quite a long time. It is one of my favorite Tori Amos songs. I love her music. You can just feel the emotion coming out of the speakers.

Silent All These Years-Tori Amos

Excuse me but can I be you for a while
My dog won't bite if you sit real still
I got the Anti-Christ in the kitchen yellin' at me again
Yeah I can hear that

Been saved again by the garbage truck
I got something to say you know but nothing comes
Yes I know what you think of me you never shut up
Yeah I can hear that

But what if I'm a mermaid
In these jeans of his with her name still on it
Hey but I don't care
Cause sometimes I said sometimes I hear my voice and it's been here
silent all these years

So you found a girl who thinks really deep thoughts
What's so amazing about really deep thoughts
Boy you best pray that I bleed real soon
How's that thought for you

My scream got lost in a paper cup
You think there's a heaven where some screams have gone
I got 25 bucks and a cracker do you think it's enough
To get us there

But what if I'm a mermaid
In these jeans of his with her name still on it
Hey but I don't care
Cause sometimes
I said sometimes
I hear my voice and it's been here
silent all these..

Years go by will I still be waiting
For somebody else to understand
Years go by if I'm stripped of my beauty
And the orange clouds raining in my head
Years go by will I choke on my tears
Till finally there is nothing left
One more casualty
You know we're too
easy
easy
easy

Well I love the way we communicate
Your eyes focus on my funny lip shape
Let's hear what you think of me now
but baby don't look up
The sky is falling

Your mother shows up in a nasty dress
It's your turn now to stand where I stand
Everybody lookin' at you
here take hold of my hand
Yeah I can hear them

But what if I'm a mermaid
In these jeans of his with her name still on it
Hey but I don't care
Cause sometimes
I said sometimes I hear my voice
I hear my voice
I hear my voice
And it's been here
silent all these years
I've been here
silent all these years
Silent all these
Silent all these
years

What has happened to my beautiful blog header? I came to my blog this morning and it is all fuzzy and looks like crapola! When I went to check on the actual image file, it seems it has been reduced somehow. I don't know what happened, but I am not happy about it. I would just re-load it, but I have sent an e-mail to support and I want them to see what it has done before I change it. Anyway, if you are visiting, please excuse the crappy header. It really does look better than that normally!!! :evil:

[b]Edit:[/b] I received an e-mail back saying that it is being worked on. I hope it is fixed soon. I absolutely hate it when my web pages don't look the way they are supposed to. I am a bit of a perfectionist!!

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

And to all you fellow bloggers out there not wearing green......*pinch*!

I miss my favorite blogger. You know who you are. You need to come back and post on tblog. I miss spending my days blogging and chatting with you. I miss reading your witty banter and insightful takes on life. I miss you. I love reading from my other tblog friends, but yours was the one that would always make my day complete. Just thought you should know.

love always,
hardtoimagine

I am mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted. There has been a lot going on in my life the last few weeks, which I'm sure you know if you read my blog. I need to rest. I need some "me" time. I really need my life to settle down. Every time I think I will get a break something else happens. Shortly after returning from my Grandpa's funeral, my mom got sick. Not just a simple cold. She is really sick. She has been running a fever for days and even with meds she can't keep it down. She has a terrible sore throat and cannot stop coughing. Plus, the doc says she now has a sinus infection. For the last 4 days, starting with a phone call at 7:00 Saturday morning, I have been at her beck and call. I have gone to the pharmacy twice to get her meds, took her to the doctor, went to the store for soup, popsicles, kleenex, etc., and have stopped by as often as possible to make sure she is taking her meds, eating, and all that stuff. My sister did help by going over and staying with her Saturday night, but I have been the one doing almost everything for her. I am so drained. I know she needs someone to help her. I know if I was feeling the way she is I would want someone there to help me too. It is getting to the point where I dread answering my phone. I just want my life back. I feel so guilty for having these thoughts. I just want life to get back to normal. I want to sleep for a week without waking up. I want everyone to leave me alone and let me rest. I want to veg out in front of the tv and pretend that I have no other responsibilities to take care of. I want to know why this makes me feel so selfish and guilty...

I'm slipping down on hot blogs. :cry: I guess I need to find something interesting to write about to bring my faithful readers back.

I know it really shouldn't matter whether I am on hot blogs or not, but it does make me feel good to know that someone is reading what I have to say. Why? I don't know. It just does.

I have figured out that there must be a conspiracy to keep me awake. Every time I think that I can finally get a good night's sleep, something happens to keep me from sleeping! My dog is even in on it. I think it has been over two weeks now since I have been able to sleep all night without being woken up. Every night I go to bed thinking, tonight I can sleep. But, every night I am wrong. Either my phone rings, or my dog decides it is time to play, or there is a noise outside that startles him, or I am worrying about something and can't get to sleep, or I stay up half the night coughing...it just goes on and on. I just want one good night with no stress, no noise, and no phone! I wish that whoever created this conspiracy to keep me awake would just give up. I am tired of your games. Please let me sleep!

I just got a new cell phone while I was at lunch today. I am so excited. I have been wanting a new one for over a year now. Yipee! So, here is a pic of my beautiful new phone.

[image]hardtoimagine_1303 65821.jpg[/image]

I am so tired of being in the middle of things with my parents. I know I have blogged about this before, but the beast has reared its ugly head again. As if there isn't enough stuff going on in my life right now! While we were in Springfield for my Grandpa's funeral, my Dad took all of us kids out to dinner. During dinner, he mentioned that he is needing to get rid of some stuff that he has at his house. (My Dad recently got re-married and he and his wife are re-decorating and re-arranging the house, getting new furniture, etc.) He told us that we should come over and see if there was anything that we wanted. To me, this is no big deal. He has been storing a bunch of my Grandpa's stuff too, and would like to clear some of it out to make room in his house. Well, apparently my brother decided to tell my mom about this and she completely flipped out! She feels like she has a right to anything that he is getting rid of. She called me to complain about it and to give me a list of stuff that I better get and bring to her if he is getting rid of it. What I want to know is, WHY IS THIS MY JOB? Why do I have to be the go-between? I suggested to her that maybe she should call him and discuss this with him and let him know how she is feeling. But, she says she can't talk to him cause his wife doesn't want her to. Well, guess what mom? It's time to get some balls and stand up for yourself. I hate that she acts this way. If it bothers her so much then why can't she just tell him? She doesn't want me to tell him either, she just wants me to lie and say that I want this stuff and then give it to her. I really don't feel comfortable with this. I think they need to fight their own battles and get it over with. She tells me over and over again that she doesn't want to put me in the middle of it, but that is exactly what she is doing! Why can't she see this?

I heard this song this morning on my way to work and I just can't get it out of my head.

Sheryl Crow-The Difficult Kind

I think I was wrong
I think you were right
All my angry words
Will keep me up at night
Through the old screen door
I still hear you say
Honey won't you stop
Treating me that way

If you could only see
What love has made of me
Then I'd no longer be in your mind
The difficult kind
Cause babe I've changed

Tell it to me slow
Tell me with your eyes
If anyone should know
How to let it slide
I swear I can see you
Coming up the drive
There ain't nothing like regret
To remind you you're alive

If you could only see
What love has made of me
Then I'd no longer be in your mind
The difficult kind
Cause babe I've changed

I crossed the canyon a thousand times
But never noticed what was mine
What you'll remember of me tonight
Well, it almost makes me cry
Yeah, it almost makes me cry

Oh ballbreaking moon and ridiculing stars
The older I get, the closer you are
Don't you have somewhere that you need to be
Instead of hanging here making a fool of me

If you could only see
What love has made of me
Then I'd no longer be in your mind
The difficult kind
But you won't see the change in me
If you could only see
What love has made of me
But I'll forever be in your mind
The difficult kind
But you won't see, no you won't see
The good in me
But babe I've changed
Cause babe I've changed

I got several new cds this last weekend.

Sheryl Crow-The Very Best of Sheryl Crow
Norah Jones-Feels Like Home
John Frusciante-Shadows Collide With People
R.E.M.-The Best of R.E.M. 1988-2003
Jet-Get Born
The Darkness-Permission to Land (NOT MY PICK!!)

Anyway, most of these were just what I expected. I was very surprised by the Jet cd though. I expected the songs to be similar to "Are you gonna be my girl" and "Cold hard bitch." Imagine how surprised I was when I popped the cd in and found out that most of the songs on it are very mellow. There are a few other fast-paced, heavier songs, but there is a lot of soft, mellow stuff. It was a nice surprise actually. It wasn't what I expected, but the more I listen to it, the more I like it. The other cds are all great, with the exception of The Darkness. I just can't get into that band. I really like the music. They have some great guitar riffs, but I just can't stand the singer. I think there was one song out of the whole cd that I actually liked.

I have a funny story for you all! Lastnight one of the guys in my office forgot his glasses. He came up to the office around 10:30 to get them cause he was leaving to go out of town this morning. Apparently, when he walked in the office, he found a guy and girl having sex on the couch in my boss's office! I am assuming it was probably part of the custodial staff, but I think it is hilarious! I can't imagine what I would have done if I was the one that walked in on them. I think I'll be a little more careful where I sit when I am in his office from now on!!!

Another song that keeps running through my head today. This song always reminds me of someone from my past. I ran across a picture of him a few days ago. Sometimes I wish I would have called him and told him to come back home....

Picture-Kid Rock featuring Sheryl Crow

Living my life in a slow hell
Different girl every night at the hotel
I ain't seen the sun shine in three damn days
Filling up on cocaine and whiskey
Wish I had a good girl to miss me
I wonder if I'll ever chainge my ways

I put your picture away
Sat down and cried today
I can't look at you
While I'm lying next to her
I put your picture away
Sat down and cried today
I can't look at you while I'm lying next to her

I called you last night in the hotel
Everyone knows but they won't tell
But their half-hearted smiles tell me something just ain't right
I've been waiting on you for a long time
Filling up on heartaches and cheap wine
I ain't heard from you in three damn nights

I put your picture away
I wonder where you've been
I can't look at you while I'm lying next to him
I put your picture away
I wonder where you've been
I can't look at you while I'm lying next to him

I saw you yesterday with an old friend
It was the same old same how have you been
Since you've been gone my world's been dark and grey
You reminded me of brighter days

I hoped you were coming home to stay
I was headed to church

I was off to drink you away

I thought about you for a long time
Can't seem to get you off my mind
I can't understand why we're living life this way

I found your picture today
I swear I'll change my ways
I just called to say I want you to come back home
I found your picture today
I swear I'll change my ways
I just called to say I want you
To come back home
I just called to say I love you
Come back home

I have been listening to R.E.M. today and this song just seems appropriate for the day....or maybe the whole week...

Everybody Hurts by R.E.M.

When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,
when you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on.
Don't let yourself go, everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes.

Sometimes everything is wrong. Now it's time to sing along.
When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on)
if you feel like letting go, (hold on)
when you think you've had too much of this life, well hang on.

Everybody hurts. Take comfort in your friends.
Everybody hurts. Don't throw your hand. Oh, no. Don't throw your hand.
If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, you are not alone

If you're on your own in this life, the days and nights are long,
when you think you've had too much of this life to hang on.

Well, everybody hurts sometimes,
everybody cries. And everybody hurts sometimes.
And everybody hurts sometimes. So, hold on, hold on.
Hold on, hold on. Hold on, hold on. Hold on, hold on. (Everybody hurts. You are not alone.)

Although my family is mourning the loss of my grandfather this week, I am finding myself being very reflective and grateful. As I have gotten older, I can see how close my family is and how much love there is among us. In the few days preceding and following my grandfather's death, my family all pulled together. It was quite a sight to see us all sitting around in my grandparents' 2-bedroom apartment. There was my mom and her two sisters, all thirteen of us grandchildren, plus all of our spouses, children, etc. in this little bitty place. We were all there to spend my grandfather's last hours with him, and then to help support my grandmother and each other following his death. Other visitors and neighbors kept commenting on how much love there was in our family and how wonderful it was for all of us to be there together. I know it meant a lot to Grandpa to see us all there. To me, it was wonderful to spend so much time with my Aunts and Uncles and my cousins. During our usual holiday visits, we are in such a rush that we don't really have enough time to sit around and visit. Even though I would have chosen different circumstances if I could have, it was so wonderful to spend this time visiting with my family.

There is one of my cousins in particular that I had a chance to talk to that I haven't really talked to in years. Growing up, we were really close. We are close in age, so it was natural that we would always hang out together at all of the family functions. We became really good friends over the years and were practically inseparable when my family would come to visit. At some point, during the high school years, when we both started dating and bringing our boyfriends/girlfriends to the family get-togethers, we kinda stopped talking. I'm not really sure what it was, but it just happened. Before long, it got to the point that we never talked at all and it seemed that when we were around each other that he tried to avoid me. For many years now, this has really been hurting me. The last couple of years have been a little bit better, but there was still not much more that a "hi, how are you" when we saw each other. For some reason, this last weekend, we started talking. It wasn't a really deep conversation or anything, but it was a start. We talked. We talked mostly about life and what we are doing these days. We talked about his new house and his upcoming move. We joked and kidded around like we did when we were kids. It just felt so good. I managed to work into the conversation how I felt that he had just suddenly stopped talking to me and how much I had missed talking to him. It definitely felt good to get that out finally. I think that it is a great new beginning. I feel a huge weight was lifted off of my heart. I only wish that I would have been able to talk to him about this earlier.

All in all, I feel that my family really bonded this weekend. It was so wonderful to have all of them together and feel the love and support between us. We made all kinds of plans to get together this summer. I can't wait to see them all again!

[image]hardtoimagine_1007 966512.jpg[/image]
My grandfather passed away this weekend at the age of 73. His fight is finally over and he has moved on to a better place. As always, when someone dies, it was a very sad occasion, however, it was also joyous, as we spent much of our time this weekend remembering and celebrating the wonderful life that he lived. He was able to see all of his children and grandchildren before he died. Even up until the last few minutes, he was singing and talking about good memories from his past. He really was an amazing man. After his death, my mother found the following passage cut out from a newspaper and stuck inside his bible. We think that this is exactly how he felt.

I AM FREE

Don’t grieve for me, for now I’m free.
I’m following the path God laid for me.
I took His hand when I heard Him call,
I turned my back and left it all.

I could not stay another day,
To laugh, to love, to work or play.
Tasks undone must stay that way.
I found that peace at the close of the day.

If my parting has left a void,
Then fill it with remembered joy.
A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss,
Ah, these things I too will miss.

Be not burdened with time of sorrow,
I wish for you the sunshine of tomorrows.
My life’s been full, I savored much,
Good friends, good times, a loved one’s touch.

I just saw that I am now #39 on Hot Blogs. Watch out, I'm creeping up there!!!

So, my Grandpa's hospice nurse tells us that he may have anywhere from 1 day to 1 week left. I wasn't really expecting that. I knew he wasn't doing well, but I was hoping it wouldn't be quite so soon. My mom is coming back home today from her vacation. She only spent 1 1/2 days of her week vacation actually in Florida. When she gets in we are leaving to go see him. I just hope that we can get down there and let my mom be with him before he dies. I can't imagine how she is feeling right now being so far away from him.

Sometimes you don't know what you have until one day you realize it will soon be gone. When I was a kid, we didn't spend much time around my grandparents. We lived a few hours away, so we would go visit on holidays and maybe for a few days in the summer. Both sets of grandparents lived in the same town, which was nice. We would always stay with my dad's parents when we visited because they had plenty of space. I formed a very strong bond with my dad's mom. I have been told that it started as soon as the day I was born. My mom tells me that when I was born, all the other kids disappeared from my grandma's eyes. She was always focused on me. We always had a great time together and shared many of the same interests. She was in a way what I would consider a "soul mate". We just had this unexplainable bond between us that no one could break. When she was around, I didn't want to have anything to do with anyone else. I just wanted to be with my Grandma. Because of that, I spent very little time with my other grandparents. When we had to go to their house I would just sit around and sulk. I would beg to stay at Grandma A.'s house. I had very little relationship with my maternal grandparents. When I was 10, my Grandma A. had a stroke and died the next day. I thought that my world had ended. It was the worst thing that I could ever imagine happening in my 10-year-old state of mind. At the funeral, I remember standing outside in my new dress, looking at the sky, crying, wondering why this had happened. Suddenly, my Grandma H. was there with her arms wrapped around me, comforting me. I was so surprised that she was there because I never really bothered to spend much time with her. As time went on, I did become a little bit closer to my maternal grandparents, and the rest of that side of the family, but it wasn't until the last couple of years that I really wanted to spend a lot of time around them. Over the last couple of years, I have spent several weekends going down just to visit and spend time with them. I have realized what wonderful loving people my grandparents are. I wish that I would have taken the time when I was younger to get to know them. They are so full of life, and love, and energy. They love each other like no two other people I have ever known. They just celebrated their 55th wedding anniversary last month. My Grandpa is a constant jokester. He is a blast to be around. Unfortunately, I learned all of this too late. My Grandpa is now probably in his last days. Cancer is taking over his body. He is in constant pain. They are filling him with morphine and not even that can control it at this point. I didn't realize until this morning when my mom told me how bad he is doing how much it really hurts. It will most likely not be long now. I surprised myself with the pain I am feeling in my heart today. I want to be with him. I want him to know how much I love him. I want the tears to stop. I don't want him to go yet....

I came to work today. I had to. Too much stuff to do. I am so far behind now. But, I still feel like a semi ran over me. I ate solid food today...quite an accomplishment considering how I feel. It is only 4:00. Still an hour of work to go. Then I have to go pick up my friends' 2 youngest kiddos (they are the ones that got me sick!) for the evening so they can take their 2 oldest to see The Passion of the Christ. The older boys have shown quite a bit of interest in it which is pretty cool. Anyway, we promised the kiddos we would take them out for pizza tonight and I'm just not sure that I'm up for it. I also have to swing by my brother-in-law's work on the way and pick up my mom's mail key from him that she forgot to leave before she went on vacation. Fortunately, he is driving her car while she is gone, so he has her keys. After all that is done, I gotta do some laundry and practice my guitar since I haven't done either all week so far. And, I have a feeling I'm gonna miss my shows tonight and it's my favorite TV night!

For lack of creativity and energy today, I am going to post the lyrics to a song called "Conscience" by Flexible Bullet. They are a local Kansas City band and also really good friends of mine. They recently lost their guitar player when he moved to California and have yet to find a suitable replacement. In the interim, they are working on re-vamping the band's image a little bit. I am hoping that they can find a new guitar player soon, cause I am really missing going to their shows! If anyone is interested, they do have a couple songs posted on the music page of their website at www.flexiblebullit.com. Coincidentally, I also designed and maintain the website. (and yes, I know it needs some work) Anyhow, after that big long introduction, here are the lyrics to Conscience, one of my favorite songs.

Conscience
Lyrics by Jeff Buck/Bogie

Sweet angel on my shoulder
The devil lives inside
Fighting for my soul
They're eating me alive

I can't help the way I feel
Can't trust the voices in my mind
I'm trying hard, I've come so far
Will it matter in the end?

There's a question inside of me
Inside of you and society
You can't run. No, you can't hide
So much confusion, so many lies

It's inside of me, it's inside of you
Telling us what, what we should do
It's inside of me, it's inside of you
Telling us what, what we should choose

Sweet angel on my shoulder
The devil lives inside
Fighting for my soul,
They're eating me alive

If I trust you, you'll cause me pain
Should I let in and play your game?
If I turn my back, I'm defenseless
Don't push me in a corner,
I'm relentless

I'm feeling paranoid, anxiety in a cage
No matter where I go, I can't escape
Can't control myself,
better watch what you say
Get the fuck away

I hate being sick! This is really screwing up my week. I am going to be way behind at work when I get back. The beginning of the month is my busiest time at work. I haven't been able to exercise since Saturday morning, although I haven't been able to eat either, so I guess I don't really have many calories to work off! In two days I have had about 10 saltine crackers and 1 cup of chicken noodle soup. I haven't been able to practice my guitar cause I just don't have the energy and I have lessons again on Thursday. I feel like crap, and I can't get any sleep cause every time I fall asleep, my mom calls me to see how I am doing! Plus, I promised to watch a couple of my friend's kids tomorrow night and I'm not sure I will be able to do it now. I just wish I could go to sleep for a couple of days and wake up feeling better!

What did I catch? The freakin flu. I had a wonderful weekend. Busy, but wonderful. I got home lastnight and decided I should sit down and pay some bills. So, as I was working on that, I started noticing that my tummy wasn't feeling quite right. I finished up the bills and told my hubby I was gonna go to bed. Suddenly, at about 1:00 I woke up with an incredible pain in my tummy. I rushed to the bathroom, and you can just imagine what happened next. I will save you the details! At around 5:00, after several more trips to the bathroom to rid myself of my stomach content, it finally settled down and I was able to sleep...until my alarm went off at 6:30. By 7:00 I had woken up enough to grab my phone and call in sick. I went back to sleep for a while and when I woke up, every single muscle in my body is aching. I feel like I just ran a freakin marathon or something. I hate being sick!