drifting away...

I don't know why, but here lately I have been extremely impulsive.  when something pops into my head, I just do it rather than thinking it over as I normally would.  I have been an extremely impulsive shopper lately, as well as impulsive with other things.  I'm not sure what has caused this change in me, but for the last couple weeks it seems that as soon as an idea pops into my head, I have to do it right then and there.  I just can't wait another minute.

This impulsiveness can be both a good and bad thing I suppose.  When it comes to shopping, it is a very, very bad thing.  I love to shop and buy new things, but usually when I get in those moods I end up spending way more than I should.  In other areas of my life, impulsiveness can be a good thing.  For instance, yesterday I got more done at work than I have for probably the last week.  Everytime I thought of something that needed to be done, I just did it instead of procrastinating.  It was kinda nice for a change. 

Of course, this impulsiveness also lead to my cheesey plea for an ipod yesteday.  We'll see what comes of that.  It may be a good or bad thing!

Suddenly I'm getting the impulse to quit writing and get back to work.

So, just because I can, I'm trying to get a free Ipod.  I've really been wanting one for a long time, but figure I'll never get one because I won't dish out the cash for it and I doubt anyone is gonna buy me one out of good will.  So, here is my cheesey plea....PLEASE HELP ME GET AN IPOD!  All you have to do is go here and sign up, then accept one of their free offers.  It only takes 5 referals to get a free Ipod.  I'll even bribe you....if you leave me a comment or tmail letting me know that you did it, I'll make you a free blog header.  Seems like a good deal to me.  I really hate to beg, so go click on the link now before I have to resort to some serious begging!

It turns out that everything is ok with my Grandpa. He had some tests done and was released from the hospital Friday night. It was nothing major, but he will have some more tests coming up in the near future.

I picked my kitten up from the vet Saturday morning and she is doing well, although a little sore from her surgeries. She doesn't quite seem like herself, but I'm hoping that is only because she's still hurting a bit.

I had a pretty chilled out weekend. I watched 5 movies, worked on a new layout for my personal web site, mowed my yard, hung out with some friends, went shopping for a new cd player (cause my old one crapped out on me), paid my bills, and slept a lot. Nothing really exciting happened except for my car getting hit in the On The Border parking lot. The guy is claiming total fault, so I'm not too worried about it. Basically all he did was scrape a little paint off of the rear corner.

That's all I can think of for now. Maybe I'll actually have something interesting to say later.

I wonder how long tblog will be up today? I'm really trying hard not to be too negative about this whole thing, but a girl can only take so much!

So, I got up this morning, showered, put my new jeans on, fixed my hair, and had myself looking pretty cute. Then I went outside with the dog before I left for work and poof! my hair turns into an extremely frizzy, curly mess. Doesn't God know what heat and humidity do to naturally curly hair? I hate to bitch, but this is several days in a row now. Can't I just have a break?

When I finally got to work, my phone rang and it was my dad. Turns out my Grandpa went to the hospital lastnight and is now waiting for some tests to be done. It doesn't look like anything major at this point, but the man is 84 years old, so even the smallest thing can turn into something major. I'm gonna go try to see him at lunch I think. I am a very bad granddaughter and I don't visit him nearly enough. The sad part is that I live the closest to him of any of our family. I need to give myself a good kick in the ass for that!

I feel irritable today. One of those days where if anyone talks to me I might just bite their head off. My mom came very close to losing hers this morning, but I was good and backed away before any disasters happened. Hubby better watch out tonight.

My friend's band is playing tonight for some political deal downtown. The really funny thing is that the majority of them claim to be Republican, yet they are playing a show to raise funds for the Democrats. Kinda cracks me up. It will be fun to see them play though. They haven't had many shows lately.

I'm wondering what the rest of the weekend will bring. I know my mom is heading out of town so all should be calm there. If everything ends up ok with Grandpa, then I might have a pretty relaxing weekend. I know we need to do some more yardwork, but hopefully that won't take too long.

I suppose I should quit babbling and get some work done. Hope everyone has a great weekend. I might be back today, I might not. Just gonna go with the flow...

One more thing, okay, maybe two. Reece's cereal is awesome and here are some lyrics to think about today.

PEARL JAM - THIN AIR

there's a light when my baby's in my arms
there's a light when the window shades are drawn
hesitate when i feel i may do harm to her
wash it off cuz this feeling we can share
and i know she's reached my heart, in thin air
byzantine is reflected in our pond
there's a cloud but the water remains calm
reaching in, the sun's fingers clutch the dawn to pass
even out, it's a precious thing to bear
and i know she's reached my heart, in thin air
yes i know she's reached my heart, in thin air
it's not in my past to presume
love can keep on moving in both directions
how to be happy and true is the quest we're taking on together
taking on, on, on, on, on...taking on, on, on, on, on...
there's a light when my baby's in my arms
and i know she's reached my heart, in thin air
and i know she's reached my heart, in thin air
and i know she's reached my heart, in thin air
yes i know she's reached my heart...

Everytime I get a new Pearl Jam cd I have this impulse to just lay in the middle of the floor, put the cd in my stereo and crank it up.  I don't want any distractions, I simply want to lay in the floor and feel the music.  I very rarely ever actually get the opportunity to do it, but nevertheless, that is still my impulse.  No other band gives me the feeling that Pearl Jam does.  I don't know what it is about them.  I think they are simply amazing.

I've been sitting here at work all day trying to listen to my Live at Benaroya Hall cd and I'm getting very frustrated because my attention is split between the cd and my work.  I can't focus on either one fully and it is driving me nuts.  I really want to be focusing on the music, but I really need to be focusing on the work.  The smart thing to do would be to just turn off the music and get my work done, but I can't make myself do that either.  I'm too hooked on the cd. 

So, now I'm sitting here just wishing the work day would hurry up and end so I can go get in my car and listen without distraction.  Well, I have to drive, but at least I can focus a little more on the music.  I usually hate my 15-30 minute drive home, but today I'm wishing my drive was longer.  Once I get home I doubt I will have any time to listen to it as I have to go to my mom's tonight.  I just wish that everyone else could understand the significance of me having a new Pearl Jam cd to listen to and just leave me alone for a few hours!

I just love getting new stuff.  I get so excited even when it is something little.  Last week my mom gave me a $50 gift certificate to Amazon. She had gotten it free for doing a survey and had never used it, so she decided to give it to me.  After much deliberating, I finally decided what I was going to get with it.  I ended up with Pearl Jam's Live at Benaroya Hall cd, a book on Javascript, and Dave Pelzer's book The Privilege of Youth.  My selections arrived today and I'm excited.  Of course I popped the PJ cd straight in my cd player and so far am very impressed.  I can't wait to get started on my books when I get a few minutes to spare!

For more interesting signs, go visit Grrlpink

It is amazing how much I can get done when I actually work!  I have been really slacking lately because work has been pretty slow.  The funny part is that I passed off some of my responsibilities because I was completely overloaded and now I really don't have enough to keep me busy.  So, instead, I have become very lazy at work.  I'be been spending a lot of time online (what a surprise!).  Anyway, today I actually spent most of the day working and I got a lot done.  Now I'm tired and feel like just messing around for a while.  That should give me plenty of time to try to find an explanation for the $67 I spent at Old Navy on my lunch break before I get home.  Hubby really hates it when I spend money!  He knew I was going for a couple pairs of jeans, but I'm not quite sure how to explain the 2 skirts and 2 shirts that I also bought.  I'm sure I'll figure something out!

Have I mentioned lately how much tblog is pissing me off??!?!?!?!

My mom picked me up a sandwich from BK for lunch, but didn't get the right one.  The sandwich I wanted usually fills me up, so I didn't ask for anything else with it.  But, when she got here, it was the wrong sandwich and about half the size of the one I wanted.  I ate it without complaining but was still a little hungry, so I thought I would go get some pretzels from the vending machine downstairs.  On my way down, my mom asked me to get her a Butterfinger.  I got to the machine, put my money in, got my pretzels and her Butterfinger.  Somehow, before I could turn away, the damn vending machine had hypnotized me and forced me to put another 70 cents in and push the buttons that would cause another Butterfinger to fall out into the tray.  I couldn't just leave it there, so now there is an extra Butterfinger sitting on my desk, taunting me.  That crispety, crunchety, peanut-buttery goodness keeps calling out to me, telling me to eat it.  It is somehow reading my every thought and giving me really good reasons why I should eat it.  Normally I don't even like Butterfingers, but it has almost convinced me that I need it, that I can't live without it.  I must be strong.  Well, maybe I can just eat half...

I finally decided it was time for a change on my blog.  Not sure how long I will stick with this one, but it will do for now.  The colors are a little too girly for me but I still kinda like it.  Let me know what you think of it.

Yesterday was a great day.  Everything was just going my way.  First, my boss gave me the Chiefs tickets.  Then when I went over to his house to pick up the tickets, he also gave me a 36 inch TV cause it wouldn't fit where he wanted it.  He told me to go ahead and go home instead of going back to work, so I took the tv home and unloaded it and then we left for the game.  On the way there, I found $20 in my car that I didn't know I had, which was enough to buy me a margarita and some nachos at the game.  The rain cleared up just as we arrived at the game and it was very nice out.  We had a great time at the game.  Overall, it was just a very nice day.  I haven't had one of those in a while and I really enjoyed it!

Hmmm...I don't even know where to begin. It's always so hard to catch up after the weekend. Maybe I will make a list again.

• I'm getting very irritated with tblog. It seems like everytime I want to post or read other blogs, tblog is not working. I'm all for upgrades and new features, but if you can't keep the site working in the meantime, is it really worth it? I know a lot of people are getting frustrated and leaving tblog, but I'm really trying to stick it out. I just keep thinking that eventually it will all be working again. I'm thinking maybe I better make a backup copy of all my entries just in case.



• The good boss just gave me tickets to the Chiefs vs. Rams game tonight. That should be fun, if only the rainy weather will clear up before then. Hubby is getting very excited for football season, so this should put him in a great mood! I really do hope the rain stops before then. I don't want to be sitting out in the rain all night.



• I'm very proud of myself for getting my workouts in last week. I did 5 days which is very good for me. I even got up and worked out on Saturday! It makes me feel very good about myself. If I can keep it up, I might even lose a few inches and that would be a very good thing.



• This weekend was nice and relaxing. We spent Friday night with my mom. We went out for dinner, then watched some movies at her place. Saturday we spent just hanging out at home and then went over to our friends' house that night to visit. Sunday we spent most of the day at my dad's, then vegged out at home. It was really nice not to have to be anywhere at a certain time.



• If you haven't seen the movie Taking Lives, you should go to your local video rental place and get it right away. It is one of the best movies I have seen in a long time. Plus, I love Angelina Jolie and she was great in this one!



• I really thought I had a lot to say, but somehow it is all gone and it doesn't seem like I really had much at all.



• I heard a song on the radio this weekend that I haven't heard in a VERY long time. It is one of those songs that really brings old memories flooding back. So, since I have nothing else to say, I'll leave you with the lyrics.
  
  Bryan Adams - Please Forgive Me
  
  Still feels like our first night together
  Feels like the first kiss
  It's gettin' better baby
  No one can better this
  Still holdin' on, you're still the one
  First time our eyes met - same feelin' I get
  Only feels much stronger - wanna love ya longer
  You still turn the fire on...
  So if you're feelin' lonely don't - you're the only one I ever want
  I only wanna make it good - so if I love ya a little more than I should
  
  Please forgive me - I know not what I do
  Please forgive me - I can't stop lovin' you
  Don't deny me - this pain I'm going through
  Please forgive me - if I need ya like I do
  Please believe me - every word I say is true
  Please forgive me - I can't stop lovin' you
  
  Still feels like our best times are together
  Feels like the first touch - still gettin' closer baby
  Can't get close enough
  Still holdin' on - still number one
  I remember the smell of your skin - I remember everything
  I remember all your moves - I remember you yeah
  I remember the nights - ya know I still do
  So if you're feelin' lonely don't - you're the only one I ever want
  I only wanna make it good - so if I love ya a little more than I should
  
  Please forgive me - I know not what I do
  Please forgive me - I can't stop lovin' you
  Don't deny me this pain I'm going through
  Please forgive me - if I need ya like I do
  Oh believe me - every word I say is true
  Please forgive me - I can't stop lovin' you
  
  One thing I'm sure of - is the way we make love
  And one thing I depend on - is for us to stay strong
  With every word and every breath I'm prayin'
  That's why I'm sayin'
  
  Please forgive me - I know not what I do
  Please forgive me - I can't stop lovin' you
  Don't deny me this pain I'm going through
  Please forgive me - if I need ya like I do
  Babe believe me - every word I say is true
  Please forgive me - if I can't stop lovin' you
  Never leave me - I don't know what I'd do
  Please forgive me - I can't stop lovin' you
  Can't stop lovin' you

I finally finished the template that I promised ColdSun weeks ago.  Go check it out and tell her what you think.

I spent all day today helping my boss move back into his house.  He's been living in an apartment for almost 2 years now while they tried to sort out his divorce and just finally got possession of his house back today.  So, instead of working in the office today my mom and I went to help him get his stuff moved.  I'm so exhausted now, but it was better than being at work!  I haven't had a chance to catch up on everyone's blogs today, but hopefully over the weekend I will.  Hope you all have a great weekend!

I've always been told that when your nose itches, it means someone is thinking about you. Well, someone must be thinking about me an awful lot today cause my nose has been itching like crazy. I'm now walking around the office looking like Rudolph cause I keep rubbing it trying to stop the itch!

I was reading some of my old posts today and when I first started blogging, it seemed that I was much happier. Not all of my entries were happy, but the majority were. It is interesting to go back and read some of that stuff. I can read it and remember it all so well. It makes me wish I would have started writing much earlier. I used to write things out that were on my mind, but they would always be thrown away so that they couldn't be found by anyone else. I would love to be able to go back and read those now. I would love to go back and read excerpts from when I first met my husband, or even my ex-husband. I wish I could re-visit those feelings again. Those were some pretty great times in my life.

I was talking to my mom at lunch today and she mentioned that she has been talking to this guy online that wants to meet her. He's a few years older than her and lives nearby. I guess they have been talking for a while. I told her she should go for it. What could it hurt? If nothing else maybe she would have a new friend to hang out with. Maybe they would hit it off. I have to say it would make my life a lot easier if she could find someone else to occupy her time with. I love my mom, but sometimes you just need time to yourself, you know?

Also at lunch today, we stopped by this new music store that is really close to my work. I found out that they will be giving guitar lessons there. Now I'm debating whether to go back to my guitar teacher that I was taking from or if I should maybe try out a new teacher at this store. It would be a little bit closer to work and about the same price for lessons. I was getting a little bit frustrated before I took my break because I felt like I wasn't really getting what I wanted out of the lessons. The problem is that I'm not sure if it was the teacher's fault or my own. I was going to call and set up my lessons to start up again the first week in September, but now I'm not sure what I want to do.

I had more to write but now I can't remember what it was. I guess that's what I get when it takes me over an hour to write out one little blog entry!

And, yes, my nose is still itching!

First of all, I just wanted to say thanks for all of the comments on my last few posts. I know I didn't respond to everybody, but it is very much appreciated anyway.

The last week or so has been a very moody one for me. I'm trying to deal with a lot of issues that have been trying to surface for a while. I wish I could just blame it on pms or something, but deep down I know that is not the case. It would probably do me more good to go to a therapist, but since I don't have the money to do that right now, I have to rely on my blog to get some of this stuff out. It is therapeutic for me when I write it out, and it is also nice to get opinions from an outside perspective.

After thinking very hard about it, I have decided to keep my blog private for now. I think I might start up a new one on my website where I will post some of the same entries I post here. I'm not sure yet, but I'm thinking that's what I will do.

One good thing that has come from my moodiness lately is that I have been working out like crazy. I think every muscle in my body is sore right now, including some I didn't know even existed. I did some squats lastnight for the first time in years and it felt great! Now I just have to keep the motivation going for a while. Even though I'm sore, I feel good, and I really want to get in shape. I think that will help with some of the depression I've been feeling lately, as well as help me sleep better (hopefully).

I got a phone call lastnight from a friend that might lead to an actual paid job doing a web site and monthly maintenance. I'm pretty pumped about that. I would really like to get this web design business going. Now if I could just find a way to make a few more hours in the day so I would have the time to do it all!

I'm feeling better today. I'm not sure why, but so far things are good. As long as no one pisses me off, this might actually turn out to be a good day.

I just listened to the new REM song Leaving New York at remhq.com and I really like it. It's making me anxious for the new cd!

I guess that's about it for now. Maybe I'll have something more interesting to say later. In the meantime, I suppose I should get some work done and catch up on a little blog reading. :wink:

I have been contemplating recently whether or not I should share my blog with my husband, friends, and family. This is really a tough decision for me. I originally created this blog as a place to get away from it all. A place where I can be completely anonymous and not be judged. A place where I don't have to face anyone. A place where I can say whatever I want without hurting anyone. So why do I want to share it now? I'm starting to think that the only place that I am expressing my true emotion is on my blog. I'm starting to think that maybe it would be a good thing for my husband to know what is really on my mind. There have been a lot of times lately when he has asked me what is on my mind and I can't tell him. But I can always tell my blog. I have no problems writing it out, I just can't make the words come out of my mouth. Maybe he should know these things. I read Jenn's blog and I think it is so sweet how her hubby reads and occasionally comments on her blog. I think how nice it would be if mind did the same.

Then I think about all the negative aspects of sharing this part of me. First and foremost, I would delete several of my entries before I could show it to my hubby or family. If I feel I have to delete those entries, I can imagine that I would have to censor my future entries as well. Granted, those entries could be put in my personal journal instead, but I'm not sure I want to have to limit myself in that way. Secondly, I would definitely have to stop posting about work and about my mom. If hubby knows about my blog, I'm sure my mom will know soon enough. I might have to stop posting at work too, which would mean a lot less blog entries.

I just don't know if the positives outweigh the negatives. I feel really guilty about keeping this part of me from my hubby. I do think he has a right to know about it. I don't want him to find it later and ask me why I didn't tell him about it. Yet at the same time, it might be easier if he were to find it on his own. Of course, he is rarely online and he very rarely ever looks at any of my websites, so I'm not sure why I think he would ever find this anyway. And, now that I mention it, I'm not sure that he would even read it if I did tell him about it.

In the end, I just wish I could talk to him about it without him having to read it. I wish there was a way to share parts of my blog without sharing all of it. There is always the option of starting a new blog, but I really like tblog (even though it does seem to always be down), and I would hate to leave this blog behind. I keep finding myself wanting to talk about my tblog friends and I have to stop myself, or I have to find some way to tell him without telling him that it is an online friend.

I know I'm really rambling here. I'm definitely open to suggestions on this. I'm just not sure what to do.

It's only 9:04 and the bad boss has already managed to piss me off. what a way to start out on Monday morning! I'm not going to dwell on it though. I really had hoped today would be a good day.

Hubby and I got some good news lastnight. Hubby's little brother, who has been over in Iraq since the beginning of June got his release date. He'll be heading back to Hawaii on September 18th. We'll all be glad when he returns home safe and sound.

I had a pretty good weekend. I got to see my cousin and his VERY pregnant wife. It's always good to see family. They are talking about maybe moving up here which would be nice. I also spent a lot of time working out in my yard this weekend. I finally trimmed back the bushes that were totally overgrown in the front of my house. They had completely covered the sidewalk, and now you can actually walk on it again. It looks much better.

On my way to work this morning I heard Crossfade's song Cold. It was a great acoustic version that they did for the radio station here. Everytime I hear this song, I have to just stop and listen to the words. It reminds me so much of myself.

[b]Cold-By Crossfade[/b]

[i]Looking back at me I see
That I never really got it right
I never stopped to think of you
I'm always wrapped up in
Things I cannnot win
You are the antidote that gets me by
Something strong
Like a drug that gets me high

What I really meant to say
Is I'm sorry for the way I am
I never meant to be so cold to you

And I'm sorry about all the lies
Maybe in a different light
You could see me stand on my own again
Cause now i can see
You were the antidote that got me by
Something strong like a drug that got me high
I never meant to be so cold

I never really wanted you to see
The screwed up side of me that I keep
Locked inside of me so deep
It always seems to get to me
I never really wanted you to go
So many things you should have known
I guess for me theres just no hope
I never meant to be so cold[/i]

My last couple of posts have been pretty heavy, so I thought I would post something a little lighter.  I am so looking forward to the weekend.  It is my favorite part of the week!  My cousin, his wife, and in-laws are going to be in town this weekend staying at my mom's so I'll get to visit with them hopefully.  Tomorrow we are going to go check out the KC Microbrewery Festival at the City Market, which should be fun (although it would be a lot more fun if I liked beer!).  I'm hoping I can convince them to go along with us if they don't have any other plans.  At some point I'm gonna have to mow my yard, but otherwise I just plan on hanging out at home and relaxing.  I think I'll even try to stay away from the computer this weekend, although it'll be hard with that shiny new computer sitting on my desk.  Tonight though, I'm thinking a few margarita's will help me forget about all the stuff that's been on my mind the last few days.  I'm really feeling the need to get my buzz on!

People put on appearances for many different reasons. As a preacher's kid, I like to think that I have become somewhat of an expert at appearances. For the most part, no matter how I am feeling, I can hide it and appear to be feeling completely different. It's just a talent that I have. Very few people I have ever known were able to penetrate through the appearance and see the real me. Sometimes I am so good at it that I can even convince myself for a while to see something other than what is really there. It can be an amazing ability at times and other times I wish I didn't have it.

Growing up I was always expected to act a certain way, to be a certain way. I couldn't show too much emotion, especially around church people. I had to be respectable. I had to behave. I learned at a very early age not to be myself. I had to appear to be happy even when I felt awful inside. I suppose as a kid I was happy most of the time, but after moving over and over again and always having to say good-bye to my friends the happiness started slipping away. There seemed to be a lot more sadness in my life than happiness, but I couldn't let anyone know. Nor could I show any excess emotion of any kind, even happiness. I remember a time when I got yelled at because my boyfriend had surprised me and shown up to a church service that I had asked him to come to. I didn't expect to see him, but when the service was over I saw him standing in the back. I let go of my church appearance for only a moment and gave him a hug. Boy was that the wrong thing to do. I got lectured so bad by my parents later that night about how inappropriate that was.

As I grew up and began experiencing life as an adult, I really hoped that I would not have to play these games anymore. I hoped that I wouldn't have to put on appearances for other people. I desperately wanted to be myself. I soon discovered that learned habits are hard to break. I found myself in a relationship with a wonderful man. He made me feel so alive. He made me feel love in a way that I never knew was possible. He was my everything. Before long, even though I didn't realize it at the time, I was becoming the person he wanted me to be, the person he expected me to be. I started losing sight of myself. I built up an appearance for him. I built up another appearance for my friends and family. I wanted everyone to think that I was happy and that my life was perfect in every way. The truth was, I was miserable. It took me years to realize this, but when I finally did it broke my heart. When I was with him, I was probably the happiest I have ever been in my life. I had built up such an appearance with him, that I was even blinding myself with it. When I finally figured out what I was doing, I knew I had to leave. We ended up getting a divorce a few months later. I didn't even know who I was anymore. I had built myself to be someone else, and I didn't like her, but I was afraid to find myself.

I went through a pretty major identity crisis for a while. I was so tired of making appearances for the sake of other people. I was searching to find my real self. I spent a lot of time by myself. I went for days without talking to anyone outside of the required conversations at work. When I did start talking to people again it was online, where no one could see me. When I was online I could be honest. No one was judging me. No appearances were necessary.

Eventually, a friend of mine, and my family started dragging me out. Then there was a whole new set of appearances that I would find myself putting on. I had to appear to be happy again even when I wasn't. I had to be the fun outgoing single girl and go out and make new friends. I made the choice to be where I was so I should have been happy right? I couldn't let anyone know that I had probably made the biggest mistake of my life. Even though I really did need the time to myself, I'm not sure that leaving my husband was necessarily the way to go about it. In all honesty, I don't know what would have happened if I had stayed, but I wish I would have given it a little more time before I gave up.

I dated here and there and found that even when out on these dates I couldn't be myself. I was always trying to be what I thought that person wanted me to be. I felt like I was stuck in this cycle. The more I tried to be myself, the more it seemed I would hide myself. I finally started seeing a friend of mine. We got along great and with him I felt like I could be myself. We always had a good time together, but when it came time to be romantic, I would just freeze up. I knew he wasn't the right person, but I tried to force it because I knew he actually cared about the real me.

A few weeks later I met him. He gave me that flutter in my stomach that I had been looking for. It was totally a matter of coincidence that we met, but it just felt right. From day one, I was completely honest about everything. With him I didn't even try to put on an appearance. I was just me for probably the first time in my life and it felt great. We fell for each other hard and fast. He didn't expect anything of me, he just wanted to be with me. The beginning of our relationship was blissful. I couldn't have imagined anything better, but I think I was fooling myself. We moved in together and things got pretty rough for a while. I soon found out that he was not who he had let on to be. He was putting on an appearance for me. I found out things that hurt. I found out things that totally ripped me apart. I don't know why or how, but I tried to forgive him for these things. He promised from that day onward that there would be no more secrets and I believed him.

A few months later we got married. Things were pretty good for a while. I started having these strange feelings. They were fleeting at first, then it started happening more and more. I was feeling crushed. I started feeling like that person inside me that had grown so strong was starting to be smashed down. I started feeling like I was expected to be someone I'm not again and I didn't like it at all. This has been going on for a while now and I'm fighting it. I don't want to lose myself again. On the outside, I make it appear that everything is ok. No one would ever guess how much I'm struggling inside. I want to go back to that place where I'm free to be me. I honestly don't know how to get there. I love my husband, but I'm starting to feel like he is holding me back from being the person that I want to be. I don't want to ruin another relationship, but I'm feeling the same way I did when I left the first time. I try so hard to be what he wants me to be, and at the same time I'm struggling not to lose myself. I know he is unhappy with the way I have been lately, but I don't know how to change it.

I'm tired of making appearances for other people. All I want is to be allowed to be me, and to be loved for the person that I really am. Is that too much to ask? I thought I had found it and now I'm not so sure. I just don't know where to go from here.

My head is so full of stuff right now I can't figure out even where to start.  I'm feeling sad, withdrawn, regretful, depressed, angry...emotions just coming and going.  I wish I wouldn't let things affect me so much sometimes, but I can't stop it because I still care too much.

I know you are there
Creeping into my thoughts
I can feel your pain
When I read your words

I wish I could reach in
Take away all the hurt
Take you back to a time and place
Where you are happy again

I wish I could reach out
Wrap my arms around you
Hold you up against me
Tell you it will all be okay

I wish I could be there
Holding your hand
As you work your way through
Troubled nights and days

I wish I could dive
Deep inside your mind
Remove the sickness
Make you feel "normal" again

But those are just wishes
And dreams that won't come true
Even though it may be in vain
I have one more wish for you

I wish you could know
How much I really do care
And that no matter what
I will always be here

Hubby had to work late tonight, so I'm actually getting some uninterupted computer time which is very nice. I'm still loading software on the new computer so I thought I would take some time to blog while I'm waiting.

When I pulled into my driveway tonight I saw some red out in the garden so I figured I better go pull the tomatoes that had ripened up. I couldn't believe how many more tomatoes we had out there. See for yourself.



Aren't they pretty? This is the third bucket full of tomatoes we have had in the last week and a half. Now, I love tomatoes, but not even I can use this many tomatoes. We're gonna be making lots of salsa in the next few days!

Aliciarose just made a list of what's on her mind today so I thought it seemed like a good idea. There are always lots of things on my mind, but some days I just can't seem to figure out a way to write them out. So, today I'm just gonna be a copycat and make a list. Better watch out or I'm gonna turn into a list fiend like Lynne.

• I am truly amazed at the intelligence of my nephew sometimes. I was reflecting today on a conversation that he and I had while stuck in traffic last Friday. We were kind of make-believing a couple of scenarios and every time I asked him a question about it, he would have an immediate answer to it, without even having to stop and think about it. He just knew right away what to say. Maybe I should bring some 4-year-olds in to problem solve at my office.



• Sometimes assholes can be nice. There is a guy in my office that I really dislike. He is one of the two biggest assholes I have ever known in my life (yes, the other one works here too). But, he just sold me an almost brand new set of computer speakers that he paid over $100 for. He sold them to me for $20. Not a bad deal.



• I wish my new computer was all set up and ready to go so I could go home and play instead of loading software. Loading software takes way too long...and I use too many different programs.



• Even though my mom really annoys me sometimes, it is really nice to always have someone to go to lunch with. Of course it also costs me a lot of money to go out to eat for lunch every day.



• Tblog consumes way too much of my time these days. I'm really starting to feel bad about how much time I spend on here at work. I've noticed lately that I'm not actually doing much work at all. Granted, it's kinda slow around here, but I really should be working instead of spending half the day reading blogs and the other half of the day writing blogs.



• Hubby told me lastnight that on one of the preaching shows he listens to on the radio, they said that when you pray you should be very specific about the things you are praying about. From now on, we are praying for a little girl with curly blond hair, blue eyes, good health, my brains, and her daddy's sense of humor. We'll see what happens. Anyone else that wants to help out is more than welcome!



• I really miss my Jack Johnson cd. I accidently left it in the rental car when we were on vacation. We called and called the rental company and got absolutely no response. I'm gonna have to buy it again, but better hold off for a while since I just got the new computer.



• I really need to get back to playing my guitar. I've been taking a break since I got back from vacation basically cause I haven't had the time. I told my guitar teacher I would be back at the beginning of August and I haven't called him yet. I feel like I need to get some practice time in before I call him and still haven't had the time yet.



• I really wish I didn't have to work full-time so I would have more time to do the things I want to do. I really would love to have more time to work on my web designs and to play my guitar (see above). Plus, hubby and I really need some quality time together but I've been so busy with everything else we haven't had the time to do much together lately.



• I really need to call the vet to get my kitty's reproductive parts and claws removed. I keep forgetting to do it. Maybe this will remind me!



• I'm really amazed at how many things were on my mind when I started typing this out. And to think...I couldn't come up with a blog entry!

I work in the same office with my mother.  Most of the time, it is not really a big deal.  We get along really well and we actually work really well together when we need to.  But some days, I would like to just beat her over the head with a heavy object.  Today is one of those days. 

We only have 10 people in our office and there are several different companies being run between those 10 people.  We don't all work for the same companies.  Anyway, my mother is paid $300 extra a month to be the "office manager" which means that she oversees things like buying office supplies, and other miscellaneous general office stuff.  Well, today she got all bent out of shape because one of the girls in the office, Mary, went to another one, Ann, and reminded them that we have a couple birthdays coming up and that we need to start planning for a lunch (we always do a lunch and cake for birthdays).  My mom is freaking out cause she says that it was not Mary's place to say anything to Ann in the first place.  She was going on and on about how Ann is not the one that should be planning the parties, that it was her responsibility as office manager.  She says that Mary was way out of line in saying anything in the first place.

Come on now, seriously, am I crazy or does this just seem stupid?  She is really upset about this and I just can't understand it.  I guess she is feeling threatened by a little part-time person who can barely do their job in the first place.  To me this just seems totally irrational and stupid.  Maybe I just don't understand her thinking, but she is really upset about this.  It just makes me want to knock her over the head and tell her to grow up.  It's terrible to feel more grown-up than your own mother.

So I just got back from my extra long 2-hour lunchbreak.  I got my new computer and even ended up getting a better deal than I thought.  I had decided to buy the more expensive one, but when I got to the store, I found out that it was on sale (with a bunch of rebates) and was even cheaper than the cheap computer I had been looking at!  Woohoo!  I was only planning on buying the CPU cause I have an almost new monitor, and a good printer, so I didn't need the package deal, but with the rebates they were offering, it was actually cheaper to get the package deal  than it was to buy just the CPU.  So, I am now the proud owner of a new computer, plus a monitor and printer I don't need for even less money than I planned on spending.  Doesn't get much better than that!  Now I'm anxious to get home and get it all set up!

ummm....got this from someone this morning...

YOU
+name: hardtoimagine
+best characteristic: uhmmm….ask somebody else 
+first crush: Timmy
+piercings: 5-4 in my ears, 1 in my navel
+boyfriend/girlfriend now: hubby
+number of times i have had my heart broken: 2
+hearts i have broken: 1 that I know of
+age i had my first real kiss: 12
+who was it with: some guy from church camp
+do you still talk to them: no
+what were u doing 15 mins ago: working
+what are u wearing now: khaki’s, burgundy shirt
+u shy or outgoing: shy till I get to know you well
+sleep with stuffed animals: nope, but I gotta have my Mickey pillow
+what do you want from a partner: honesty and lots of love
+feature you notice first: eyes and smile
+tan or fair: doesn’t matter
+likes flirts: who doesn’t?
+would you ever date a friend: yes

RELATIONSHIPS
+do u have a crush: not really
+how long was your longest relationship: 7 years
+what is your favorite thing to do with that special someone: depends on my mood 
+what is the best present you've gotten from someone: not sure
+what one quality do u like best in the opposite sex: humor
+ever been in love: yes

FAVORITES
+color: yellow
+thing to do: web designs
+clothes: jeans and my old navy sweatshirt
+ocean or pool: Ocean
+favorite movie: anything scary
+love or lust: love
+silver or gold: Silver
+diamonds or pearls: diamonds
+food: Papa John’s pizza
+current song:  The Outsider-A Perfect Circle
+holiday: Christmas
+animal: tiger
+drink: Margaritas
+perfume: none
+cologne: none
+activity: playing on my computer
+fruit: pineapple
+Room In house: don’t have a favorite
+Type of music: Rock
+Memory: a guy jumping up on a stage at a volleyball game
+Day of the Week: Saturday
+Flower: Sunflowers
+Month: May
+Season: spring
+Location for dates: doesn’t matter as long as that special someone is there
+u wish u could live somewhere else: Alabama or maybe Texas
+u want more tattoos: YEP!!
+u like cleaning: NO!
+bush or kerry: don’t like either one

HAVE YOU EVER
+cried when someone died: yes
+drank alcohol: yes
+lied: yes
+fallen for your friend: yes
+rejected someone: yes
+used someone: not that I know of
+been cheated on: yes
+cheated on someone: no
+done something u regret: yes
+could u live without the computer: I could, but I would be miserable!
+how many peeps are on your buddylist: not many
+like watching sunrises or sunset: sunset
+trust others way too easily: sometimes
+Gotten in a fight: not physical
+Been to New York: no
+Been to Florida: yes
+Been to san francisco: no
+Been to Hawaii: no, but hopefully in the next year
+Been to Mexico: no
+Been to China: no
+Been to Canada: yes
+Danced naked: yep
+Got a really bad feeling about something then it happened: yep
+Wish you were the opposite sex: yep
+danced like a frickin idiot: yep
+went to a movie: yep
+wished u were somebody else: yep, then I realized how good I have it
+were depressed: yes
+where would you love to travel to: everywhere
+whats your middle name:  Marie

DO YOU, HAVE YOU'S AND WHAT ABOUT YOU'S
+do you have a cell phone: yes
+whats your online screen name: hardtoimagine27
+what do u want to do with your life: web design
+last time u went to the doctor: couple months ago
+do u consider yourself a "nice" person: most of the time
+what are you scared of: not much really
+do u believe in angels: yes and no
+do u think you’re spoiled: no
+have u seen the exorcist: yep

FINISH THE SENTENCE
+in the morning i am: grumpy
+all i need is: love
+love is: a gift
+if i could see one person right now: hmmm…nice thought, but it wouldn’t happen anyway
+i dream about: my past

DO YOU
+play an instrument: yep
+read the newspaper: no, but I do sometimes look stuff up online
+believe in miracles: yes
+like the taste of alcohol: yep, but no beer!
+have any secrets: yes
+wish on stars: did when I was a kid
+believe in ghosts: maybe
+like sarcasm: yep
+sing in the shower: yep
+sit on the internet all day: yep
+save aol/aim conversations: no 
+cried because of someone saying something to u: yep
+color ur hair: nope
+ever get off the damn computer: occasionally
+habla espanol: si
+coke or pepsi: coke
+flowers or candy: Flowers
+scruff or clean shaven: shaved

WHO
+makes u laugh the most: hubby 
+makes you smile: hubby
+gives u a funny feeling when u see them: nobody
+has a crush on u: no one that I know of
+Have you ever loved someone you had no chance with: probably
+Have You Ever Cried over Something Someone of The Opposite Sex Did: yes
+Do you have A "Type" Of Person You Always Go After: yep
+Ever Liked a close Guy/Girl Friend: yes
+Are You Lonely Right Now: no
+Ever Afraid You'll Never Get Married: nope, already done it twice
+Do You Want To Get Married: see above
+Do You Want Kids: YES
+Red or blue: red
+Spring or fall: spring
+Santa or Rudolph: Rudolph
+Math or English: Math
+What are you going to do after you finish this survey: go to lunch and buy my new computer
+High school or college: college was more fun
+Are you bored: yes
+How many buddies are on: ???
+Last movie you saw: don’t remember
+Last noise you heard: boss yelling at someone
+What do you think of Ouija boards: fun when you are a kid
+What book are you reading now: debating which one to start next
+Favorite board game: Trivial Pursuit…even though I totally suck at it
+Favorite magazine: Guitar World
+Worst feeling in the world: when the alarm goes off in the morning
+What is the first thing you think when you wake in the morning: damn, I don’t want to get up!
+Future daughter's name: Kynndal Dee (maybe???)
+Future son's name: either Ethan Michael or maybe Michael Aaron
+Chocolate or vanilla: vanilla for ice cream, chocolate for anything else
+If you could have any job you wanted, what would it be: lead guitar in a kick-ass band
 +Are you a lefty, righty or ambidextrous: righty
+type with your fingers on the right keys: yep, mostly
+What's under your bed: dust bunnies
+Eye Color: blue
+Height Currently: 5'7''
+Glasses/contacts: contacts
+Current Age: 26
+Siblings: 1 Sister, 1 Brother
+Hobbies: web design, guitar
+Are You Timely or Always Late: usually late, but I really do try to be on time
+Do You Have a Job: unfortunately
+Do You like Being around People: depends on my mood

IN THE LAST 48 HOURS, HAVE YOU
+Cried: no
+Bought Something: food
+Gotten Sick: no
+Sang: yep
+Said I Love You: yep
+Wanted To Tell Someone You Loved them, But Didn't: no
+Met Someone New: no
+Talked To Someone: yep
+Had A Serious Talk: yep
+miss someone: yep
+Hugged Someone: yep
+Kissed Someone: yep
+Fought With Your Parents: no
+Dreamed About Someone You Can't Be With: no
 +Had a lot of sleep: no

LAST PERSON WHO
+Slept in your bed: me & hubby
+Made you cry: hubby
+You went to the mall with: don’t know….i hate the mall
+Sent you a comment on tblog: aliciarose
+Said they were going to kill you: don’t know

FINAL QUESTIONS
+i want: lunch
+i wish: it was lunchtime already
+I miss: someone
+i fear: nothing
+i wonder: why I did this long freaking survey

I am excited today cause I'm gonna go buy my new computer at lunch, but I'm having a hard time deciding for sure which one I want.  My biggest problem is that hubby put a spending limit on me.  There is one that would probably meet my needs that is just under the limit he gave me.  But then there is another one that is a little better and has double the hard drive space and a faster cd burner for $50 more than my limit.  My dilemma is whether to go ahead and get the one I really want and deal with hubby bitching at me, or to just get the cheaper one and maybe regret it later.  It's only $50...well, almost $100 more actually when you add the tax on.  I know hubby will be upset, cause he's always bitching at me about spending money, but he'll get over it.  Plus, when we bought the workout equipment a couple months ago, he went $300 over the limit I gave him.  I could always bring my lunch to work for a couple weeks and make up for the extra $50.  I'm really trying to justify myself here.  Could someone please just tell me that I should go ahead and buy the more expensive one???  :?

I had a pretty good, relaxing weekend (finally!).  Friday night was lots of fun with the rugrat at our house.  I am definitely convinced that I have the cutest nephew in the world.  We had a great time together.

Saturday morning I had to get up early to get my nephew ready for his mom to pick him up.  So, since I was up early I decided to do some work on my computer.  My desktop is about ready to give out any day.  It takes forever to even be able to do anything on it, so I decided it was time to do some clean-up and see if I could get it running a little better.  I spent almost all day working on that damn computer and it isn't much better than when I began.  Plus, I kept getting messages that there was an error on my hard drive and to back up immediately because failure may be imminent! Yippee...just what I need right now!  So, I did a back-up, just in case.

Saturday nihgt Hubby got paged out for a job, so I decided to go along and then we went out for dinner, which was kinda nice.  We made a stop at my office on the way back 'cause I needed to get some picture files from my computer for a website I was working on.  When we got home, I wanted to upload the files I had gotten to my site and hubby was watching tv.  Well, apparently he got pissed off cause I had  been on the computer all day and not spending enough time with him and basically the shit hit the fan.  Hubby and I very rarely fight, and when we do it isn't a yelling, screaming fight, just more of a discussion.  So we sat up half the night discussing everything.  We must have gotten it all worked out, although I don't really even remember most of what we talked about because Sunday morning I was reminded of how wonderful it is to make up after a fight.

Sunday was one of the most relaxing, blissful days I have had in a long time.  We slept in late, went for breakfast (ok, maybe it was lunch) at IHOP, and sat around watching tv and relaxing most of the day.  Hubby actually agreed to let me replace the POS computer that we have now so I get to start shopping around.  Lastnight we decided to stop by my friend's house for band practice.  They played a rough copy of a song that they just finsihed recording and I think it's the best recording they have done so far.  I'm anxious to hear the rest of the songs when they get finished.  After band practice, we came back home and just hung out together for a while, which I have to admit was very nice.

That was my weekend.  It was nice and relaxing for the most part.  Now it is Monday morning and I would give just about anything to have another day at home.  I really hate Mondays!!!

Once I get back from lunch on Friday afternoon it feels like quitin' time.  I'm ready to get the heck out of dodge and head home.  I'm feeling that way now, but unfortunately I have quite a bit of work left to do.  Only problem is, I have to wait for the boss's approval on a couple things before I can move forward, and he's not here.  I'm assuming he's off at lunch, but its kinda hard to tell with him sometimes.

I'm finally starting to get in a good "weekend" mood.  My nephew is coming to spend the night tonight and I'm excited to see him.  It's not very often that we get any one-on-one time as my sis or my mom is usually around when I get to see him.  Of course, my mom may still show up tonight anyway.  She mentioned coming over and staying the night also.  That kinda irritates me, but I can't really tell her no.

I'm sure my nephew will be talking about his new baby brother a lot.  He is so excited for the baby to come that he can barely talk about anything else.  Ok, so I'm pretty damn excited about it too.  I can't wait for December to get here!  It will be so much fun to have another little one around again.

Well, I guess I should get back to work.  I need to copy a couple of cd's and I think the boss man just walked back in. 

I want to know why people think that in order to work in an office setting, you have to be dressed up. In my office we have a "business casual" dress code. So, wearing a pair of khaki's or a skirt and a nice shirt is acceptable, but not jeans. We are allowed, however, to wear jeans on Fridays. So, on Fridays, I dress down as much as possible...which usually means jeans, a t-shirt, and flip-flops. I haven't had any complaints yet. My mother informs me that when she started working here (about 7 years ago) they were required to wear business suits, but the bosses have gotten a little "soft" over the last few years and relaxed the dress code quite a bit.

I don't really understand why we can't just wear jeans every day. I mean, sure, it looks nice to be all professional, but it is just uncomfortable sometimes. Honestly, I work a lot better when I am comfortable. I probably produce the most on Fridays when I am wearing my jeans and t-shirts. Plus I don't have to take my shoes off under my desk 'cause I'm wearing my flip-flops! I know a lot of offices have gone to a more casual dress code, so why can't mine? It's not like I'm meeting with important people or anything. Pretty much the only people that see me are the people in my own office or maybe our accountant or printer. So, why do I have to look nice? I can understand if there is going to be a big meeting at our office or something that we would need to look a little bit nicer, but that very rarely ever happens.

This is exactly why I need to go into business for myself...so I can wear whatever I want every day.

My little 4-year-old nephew just called to tell me that Mommy went to the doctor and that the baby is a boy.  He was so cute telling me how he could see the baby's feet and that the baby waved to him and said "hi".  I honestly doubt that the baby is waving yet, but it was pretty cute to hear him talk about it.  Daddy is super-excited that it is a boy, but Mommy and my nephew really wanted a girl.  I don't really care either way, but this does mean that I still have a chance at having the first girl in the family...if I ever get pregnant.  Of course, that also means that I don't have to buy nearly as much stuff for the baby since she still has all of my nephew's old baby clothes and toys...bummer...I love buying baby stuff!

I just found out that Pearl Jam is going to be doing a show in St. Louis (with Death Cab For Cutie) on October 5th. I'm anxious to see how much tickets are gonna be. I would love to go. The show is part of the Vote For Change Tour. Dixie Chicks, Dave Matthews, and REM are also playing shows on the tour, along with several others. I need to read up a little more on ACT but regardless, I would definitely love to see Pearl Jam again.

Hubby left his Bad Company cd in my car lastnight and now I can't get this freakin' song out of my head!!!

Can't Get Enough-Bad Company

Well I take whatever I want
And baby, I want you
You give me something I need
Now tell me I got something for you
Come on, come on, come on and do it
Come on, and do what you do

I can't get enough of your love
I can't get enough of your love
I can't get enough of your love

Well it's late, and I want love
Love that's gonna break me in two
Don't hang me up in your doorway
Don't hang me up like you do
Come on, come on, come on and do it
Come on, and do what you do

I can't get enough of your love
I can't get enough of your love
I can't get enough of your love

...AND I JUST REALLY WANTED TO PLAY WITH THE NEW EDITOR THINGY...

Borrowed this from aliciarose.

Last Cigarette: Never smoked a cigarette...unless you count that one little drag a few years ago on New Years.
Last Alcoholic Drink: Mike's Hard Lime last weekend while helping my mom move.
Last Car Ride: To work this morning.
Last Kiss: This morning when hubby left for work.
Last Good Cry: A few tears last week, but I can't really remember the last good cry.
Last Library Book Checked Out: Don't know....would have been when I was in grad school a couple years ago.
Last Movie Seen in Theater: Spiderman II
Last Book Read: The Wedding by Nicholas Sparks (just finished it Monday night)
Last Movie Rented: The Whole Ten Yards
Last Cuss Word Uttered: Damn
Last Beverage Drank: Diet Coke with Lime
Last Food Consumed: Cheesecake (boss's birthday!)
Last Crush: Not telling....don't want to get in trouble!
Last Phone Call: Bank of America
Last TV Show Watched: 2 1/2 Men
Last Time Showered: This morning
Last Shoes Worn: Doc Marten sandals
Last CD Played: Shinedown
Last Item Bought: lunch yesterday
Last Download: pictures for a web site
Last Annoyance: my boss getting in the way of my tblog time
Last Disappointment: having to get out of bed this morning
Last Soda: Diet Coke with Lime at lunch
Last Thing Written: Operating expense letter to tenants (for work)
Last Key Used: Office door
Last Word(s) Spoken: "ok"
Last Sleep: does falling asleep at my desk count?
Last IM: last thursday
Last Sexual Fantasy: once again...not telling...don't wanna get in trouble
Last Weird Encounter: this morning...the dog stalker
Last Ice Cream Eaten: had a Coke float a couple weeks ago
Last Time Amused: lastnight watching my kitten jump head first into the glass on the side of the guniea pig cage
Last Time Wanting To Die: not sure, probably a few years ago
Last Time Hugged: this morning
Last Time Scolded: don't remember
Last Time Resentful: thursday
Last Chair Sat In: at my desk, at work
Last Underwear Worn: boring white cotton bikini.
Last Bra Worn: boring white cotton bra
Last Shirt Worn: my "don't mess with Texas" t-shirt
Last Webpage Visited: tblog

I earned the right to vote at the age of 18. I am now 26 years old and have never, not even once, taken advantage of that right. Why? Because I never felt strongly enough about anything to give it my vote. My hubby and I were talking about this a couple days ago and discussing some of the issues that are up for the vote today. The issues that are getting the most press around here (at least from what I have heard) are 1.) gay marriage, 2.) a new arena for downtown Kansas City, and 3.) a casino at Rockaway Beach.

None of these issues really affect me personally, but for once I actually do have an opinion about them that makes me actually want to go put my vote in. I was planning to go after work today and vote with my hubby. I was actually kinda excited about it since I have never done it before. But, now we aren't going to have time to go vote and I'm kinda bummed. My dad called lastnight to see if we wanted to go to the Royals-white Sox game tonight cause he had some extra tickets (very good seats too!). Without even thinking about it, I said yes. Later I realized that there will not be enough time to get to the polls and vote before we are supposed to be meeting him.

So, once again I'm passing up my right to vote, but I'm thinking it won't really matter that much cause hubby and I would have voted in opposite ways on the issues that I wanted to vote for anyway. I figure they would have pretty much cancelled each other out. Maybe next time....

I had a rather odd experience this morning. I don't know if it is just me being paranoid or if there was really something to it. I got up this morning and got ready for work. As always, the last thing I do before I leave is take the dog outside to pee. So, I'm standing out in the yard with the dog when I see this red car driving down the street and it slows down as it gets to my house. The guy inside (a fairly large black man) rolls down the windows and starts asking me all these questions about my dog. He wants to know what kind of dog he is, how old he is, what his name it, etc. Then, he turned his car around, told me to have a nice day, and went back in the direction he came from.

Does this seem odd to anyone else? Like I said, maybe I am just paranoid, but it gave me a very unsettled feeling. why the hell did he want to know all about my dog? I suppose it could be that he just needed to turn around and was just trying to be nice and chit chat since he was using part of my yard to turn around in. Maybe he really liked my dog and just wanted to know more about him. It could be that he just thought I was cute and wanted an excuse to talk to me (I do tend to attract black guys for some reason). But, the whole time, in the back of my mind I'm thinking...this guy is going to break into my house and he wants to know all about my dog so he doesn't attack him! I know I sometimes tend to think the worst of people until they prove themselves otherwise, but this guy just gave me a weird feeling.

I got therunaway's new blog template up and running this morning. Please go check it out and let me know what you think of it!

I was very unhappy to read this morning that the Red Sox have finally traded Nomar Garciaparra. I know there has been talk for a while, but I was really hoping it wouldn't happen. More info on the trade here: Garciaparra traded to Cubs.

I guess I'll just have to become a Cubs fan now!