drifting away...

Today has been a super busy day and I haven't had hardly any time at all to spend playing on tblog!  I guess that's what I get for being a procrastinator!  I have so much to get done at work and only a couple more hours to get it all done in.  Then I gotta go home and get a bunch of stuff done there as well.  We are planning to leave around 6:00 tomorrow morning for the long drive to Louisiana.  We should arrive at hubby's brother's house just in time for dinner.  We're spending the weekend there, hanging out with his family, going to his 10-year high school class reunion, then driving all the way back on Monday.  I am looking forward to seeing his family, but I'm really starting to dread the whole reunion thing.  We'll see how it goes.  I'm also a little worried about my dog.  We're taking him along and he tends to get car sick, which will not be fun at all.  Before we have always put him in a small travel kennel, but he has grown too much and won't fit in it anymore.  I'm going to take him to the vet tonight for his shots, and I'm hoping he can give me something to settle his stomach.  If not it could turn out to be a very interesting (and smelly) trip. 

Anyway, I most likely won't be on tblog again until Tuesday, unless I have a few spare minutes to drop by.  At least after this trip things should start calming down a bit in my life. 

Five details about you...
1. I am 26 years old
2. I am an insomniac
3. I try to play guitar
4. I love designing web pages
5. I am always broke

Five details about your appearance right now...
1. My pants are too short
2. I'm dressed for a cold winter day
3. I'm not wearing any make-up
4. My boots are getting worn out
5. I still have my jacket on

Five things you did today...
1. Woke up
2. Took a shower
3. Jammed out in the car to my new Silvertide cd
4. Read some blogs
5. Drank my Sunny D

Five memorable things you did in the last year...
1. Moved into my house
2. Took a trip to Portland to see a good friend
3. Celebrated 2 years of marriage with my hubby
4. Took guitar lessons
5. Spent a lot of time blogging

Five things that everyone should know about you...
1. I am a preacher's kid
2. I am totally obsessed with my computer
3. Even though I bitch about them a lot, I really love my family
4. I love music
5. I am very insecure at times

Five things that make you happy...
1. Having a little bit of alone time
2. My husband
3. My dog meeting me at the door when I get home
4. Listening to music
5. Sleeping as late as I want to

Five people who mean a lot to you...
1. My husband
2. My nephew
3. AmyBeth
4. Marley
5. JW

Five things that disgust you...
1. Racism
2. People who constantly have to degrade others to make themselves feel better
3. Seafood
4. Paying bills
5. Slobbery dogs

Five things you cant live without...
1. My laptop
2. My digital camera
3. Hair gel (my curly, frizzy hair absolutely requires it)
4. Coca-Cola
5. Music

This day is slowly passing by and it is almost time for me to get my ass in gear and get some work pushed out before I go home.  I was hoping for a relaxing evening at home tonight, but it is not looking like it is going to happen.  Hubby's cell phone got crunched in the recliner lastnight and when I went to try to get a new one at lunch, they didn't have the one he wanted, so they called all over town and finally found another store that has it, so we gotta go get that tonight.  He's also wanting to go to a movie, which means we'll also probably catch some dinner while we're out.  My prediction is we don't get home until at least 11:00.  Another late night, which means another sleepy morning.  Then I have two days left to do my laundry, get my bills paid, clean up the house, get the dog to the vet, and pack our bags up again so we can leave for Louisiana early Friday morning.  Sometimes I just get so overwhelmed with everything that I don't want to do anything.  That's about how I'm feeling now.  I guess it's just all part of life though.  I need to quit bitching and just go with it...

Maybe tomorrow I will post something with some substance...

I'm feeling:

• Tired cause I didn't go to bed when I should have lastnight


• Guilty cause I've spent all morning and most of yesterday screwing around instead of working


• Hungry cause all I had for breakfast was a Diet Coke


• Quiet cause I just don't have anything to say


• Lazy cause I just don't feel like doing a damn thing


• Happy cause I get to go to Louisiana this weeekend and see Hubby's family


• Anxious cause the new Silvertide cd comes out today and hopefully I'll have time to go get it at lunch


• Sad cause my Grandma has lost 3 family members this week (none of which I even knew)

I'm not feeling particularly wordy today. I will say that the hubby and I had an absolutely wonderful time on our little weekend getaway to St. Louis. He tells me it really was his best birthday ever. We really enjoyed ourselves and really enjoyed just being together without any other distractions. We visited three different breweries, the arch, and Union Station. We consumed a lot of alcoholic beverages, and did a lot of walking around the city. We had a great time at the Saints/Rams game on Sunday. I took tons of pictures, and we made it home around 8:00 lastnight exhausted and happy. If you want to see what we saw, here are a few pictures of our weekend.

How bad is it to have Diet Coke and peanut M&M's for breakfast?

Today is my hubby's 28th birthday. I wanted to write up some really nice little tribute to him, but now that the day is actually here, I'm having a total brain fart and nothing is happening. I've written before about how we met so I don't want to do that again. I could write about what a wonderful man he is, or how happy he has made me, but since he won't read it anyway, I'll just say that he has changed my life in a million ways that he will probably never know. He is the first person I have ever known that will let me be myself and not try to change me. I know he's not perfect, but neither am I so I can't expect it from him.

To celebrate his birthday, I bought him tickets to see the New Orleans Saints and the St. Louis Rams game on Sunday. Being a Louisiana boy, he just loves the Saints (no matter how much they suck). I also got him a Saints t-shirt to wear to the game, and a subscription to a Bass Guitar magazine he has been wanting. We are leaving tonight to go to St. Louis for the weekend. I even dished out the money so we could stay in a pretty nice hotel. I'm really looking forward to this weekend. It's all about him, but I think it will be just as much fun for me. It will be nice to get away from everything for the weekend and just focus on us for a change.

Since I have known him, he has told me that his birthdays are always bad. Something bad always happens on his birthday. Lastnight he told me that since he has been with me, his birthdays have been getting better. I'm hoping that this one is the best one so far. I have a couple of surprises lined up for him tonight when we get to St. Louis. I'm just so damn excited I'm about to bust!

Anyway, even though he will never read it....

[b]Happy Birthday Hubby! I love you![/b]

Why is it that everyone has to have music playing on their blogs these days?  If you want to have music, make it available but don't have it play automatically when someone opens your page.  I couldn't even tell you how many blogs I have gone to because I wanted to read them and I end up closing them before I read anything because they have music playing.  I use my computer to listen to music all day when I'm at work.  I also like to do a little blog reading when I have a chance at work.  So, if I go to a site that has music, suddenly I have these awful sounds competing with the music that I already have playing on my computer.  I know I can mute it, but if I do, I also lose my music that I want to be listening to.  So please be considerate of others and lose the music.  If you have to have it, please make sure there is a button to turn it off. 

Some things that make me smile:

• Getting a phone call or e-mail from an old friend


• When my husband calls just to say "I love you"


• Snuggling with my cats and/or dog


• Hearing a favorite song


• Thinking about good memories


• Re-visiting places of my past


• Being with my family


• Hugs from my nephew


• Margaritas


• Being in love


• A surprise gift


• Getting off work early


• Chocolate chip cookies


• Fitting into my "skinny" jeans


• Discovering new music that I like


• Sleeping in until I wake up (without an alarm!)


• Playing my guitar


• Spending time with good friends
  

I'm sure there are lots more, but that's all I can think of at the moment...

I guess I just don't have much to say today. I'm kinda in a weird funk. A friend of mine sent me this song today and I have to say I really dig it. The lyrics hit me pretty hard.

By My Side
(Ben Harper)

Don't you get ahead of me
and I won't leave you behind
if you get unhappy
show me a sign

there's no love like lost love
no pain like a broken heart
there's no love like you and me
and no loss like us apart

promises promise is
only a word
and when softly spoken
is never heard

and a heart
is not a stone
and is fragile
when alone

by my side
by my side
won't you be by my side
by my side
by my side
won't you be by my side

my care for you
is from the ground up to the sky
it's over under up above
down below and to the side

no use in pretending
no use in saving face
my love is never ending
you are my saving grace

by my side
by my side
won't you be by my side
by my side
by my side
won't you be by my side

The Reson by Hoobastank

I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
Thats why i need you to hear

I've found a resaon for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is You [x4]

I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you

Grrlpink has been talking a lot lately about her vivid dreams she has been having.  I find it rather interesting because in the last week or so, I have been having some very vivid dreams also.  I dream frequently, but I very rarely ever remember my dreams.  I usually wake up knowing that I had a dream, but I can't recall what it was about.  But lately, I've been having some really wonderful dreams that I can remember when I wake up.  The problem is, I remember them for only a few short minutes when I wake up.  As soon as my mind moves on to something else, I forget the dream.  The ones I have been having lately all seem to have something to do with relationships.  More specifically, they all have to do with a relationship between me and a man.  In each dream, the man changes to a different person.  I can't remember details, but it seems that each dream is about the start of a relationship.  I feel the excitement, joy, and contentment that comes along with falling in love with someone for the first time.  When I wake up, I feel happy and content...then a slight sense of guilt for dreaming about falling in love with another man.  I don't really know what to make of it. 

I was informed by a very reliable source lastnight that my baby brother has purchased a very nice sized engagement ring.  Rumor has it that he intended to do a pre-order, where he could get quite a bit off of the price if he bought it now and waited to pick it up until after Thanksgiving, but he was so anxious, he paid extra to be able to have the ring now. 

I don't think I'm supposed to know about it yet, so we gotta keep it quiet.  But I'm so excited!!!  I absolutely love his girlfriend and would love to have her in our family.

My guess is that within a week he has asked her.  He said before that he wouldn't ask her until she could go two months without whining about wanting to be married, but I bet he can't wait that long.  She's a couple years older than him and is very ready to be married.  I think she's just been waiting for him to catch up.

I'm really having problems concentrating on anything today.  It seems that my thoughts just keep flowing from one thing to the next without really stopping on any one thing.  I keep thinking of things I need to do, both at work and home, and I just can't focus.  It has taken me all day to do a task that should really only take about 30 minutes.  I'm thinking of people, places, my past, my future, my goals...the list goes on and on.  Sometimes I wish I could just shut my mind off and work like a robot.  I just get distracted so easily.  Every thought that moves through my head brings a new thought.  It just won't stop...

I got an e-mail from my dad this morning saying that his cousin died lastnight.  I didn't know her very well as I can only remember meeting her a couple of times in my life.  From what I understand, she was lucky to live as long as she did.  My dad says that they didn't expect her to live even to the age of 12.  When she was a young kid (don't know what age) she had to have one of her lungs removed.  She has always been very frail when it came to health matters.  If I'm calculating right, I believe she should be 51 years old now.  She leaves behind her husband and two children.  Considering the circumstances, I would say she lived a great life. 

It is always hard to see someone go, especially family, but they are saying that she went peacefully, in her sleep.  If you ask me, that's the best way.

I did very little this weekend.  Now I could kick myself cause I procrastinated which means all the stuff I needed to finish this weekend will have to be done in the next few evenings. 

I did watch a couple of good movies this weekend.  We watched The Punisher and Man on Fire.  I loved both of them.  Of course Denzel Washington and John Travolta are two of my favorite actors. 

I was supposed to go to my nephew's very first soccer game on Saturday morning, but do to some major storms we had Friday night and into Saturday morning, the game was cancelled.  It ended up being a good thing because that meant that I got to sleep in.  Unfortunately, the storms also meant that we did not get the yard mowed this weekend.

I actually did do some of the things that were on my list Friday.  I started to clean my house, but I started in the kitchen...just about the time Hubby decided he wanted to cook.  Everything I cleaned now needs cleaned again.  I moved on to the living room and got it cleaned.  Then I decided to take a break.  Apparently I'm still on my break cause I never did go back and finish.  Guess I know what I'm doing tonight!

It's going to be a long and very busy week, but it will be worth it in the end.  Friday is hubby's birthday and we are going to spend the weekend in St. Louis to celebrate.  I think I'm more excited than him and it's his birthday!

I forgot to say in my last post that I will also hopefully be watching the Red Sox beat the heck out of the Yankees all weekend...

Now that tblog seems to be working again, I guess it's time to post something.  I don't want to let my faithful readers down (all 1 or 2 of them) by not posting today. 

First of all, I feel like crap.  My allergies and sinuses have finally taken over my body.  Spending last weekend in my Grandma's old house that is full of mold and dust was not good for me and it is finally catching up with me no matter how much Allegra-D I take. 

I finally got my car back from the shop today.  It looks really great.  Not only did they fix the part where the guy hit me, but they also touched up the other side of the bumper where it got scraped a few months ago.  I'm really happy with the job they did, but even more happy that I didn't have to pay for a single cent.

Work is pretty much dead today.  I don't really have much to do, which is good considering the way my head feels right now.  I wanted to get some more coding done on the website, but looks like that will have to wait till later.  I would love to go home, but promised my mom I would stay and help her out this afternoon.  Now I'm just waiting until she gets the stuff ready that she wants me to help with.

A friend of mine is having some relationship problems right now.  I feel really bad for him.  He deserves so much more than what he gets in life.  I wish so bad that I could help, or that I could even just offer him a shoulder to cry on, but I can't.  There are reasons that I can't explain here.  I just want to see him happy and it seems like every time he starts to get there the world shits on him.  I really hope things get worked out soon, for his sake.

I'm looking forward to a pretty peaceful weekend.  So far, the plans are to watch some movies, mow the yard, take down the pool and store it for winter, clean my house, do laundry, and maybe work on some websites.  I actually have quite a bit to do, but I don't mind so much as long as I get to stay home and do it.  We'll be out of town the next two weekends in a row, so I've got to get some of this stuff done now.

Finally heard from the in-laws again tonight.  They are back home and had little damage to their house.  They said that they spent most of the afternoon cleaning up the yard.  They are missing some siding and had lots of tree branches and debris in thier yard. 

At this point they don't have electricity or water and it is looking like it will be a while before they get it back.  I suggested that they just come up for a visit, but they didn't take me up on the offer.

I hope everyone else's loved ones down in the south are safe and sound.  Fortunately, my family fared pretty well, but I know there are a lot of others that didn't.  My thoughts and prayers go out tonight to all of the hurricane victims over the last few weeks.

sometimes i wish i could be young again and go back to those high school or early college days that i've been hearing everyone complain about lately.  life was good then and so much easier.

I have nothing interesting to write about, so here is what has been going on today in my life and some things I have been thinking about.

• I got up this morning and looked out my window to find a fox in my back yard.  There are usually deer out there, but this is the first fox I have seen.  I watched it for a couple minutes, and as it started trotting off, another one darted out from behind the pool.  They took off together into the woods.  It was kinda a nice thing to wake up to.


• So far today, I have done absolutely nothing related to work other than change the toner in the fax machine and it is now 1:45.  I have spent most of the day chatting on msn and reading blogs.


• I had the worst chicken sandwich ever for lunch.  The chicken was dry, hard, and chewy all at the same time.  All the girls in the ofifce ordered from this little sandwich shop down the street and even though I don't care for it much, I decided I would go ahead and get something.  I should have trusted my instincts and just went to Wendy's by myself instead.


• Blue ShockTarts are really gross.  But, now that I have eaten them all, I can enjoy the rest of the package.


• Sometimes life is very ironic.  I won't go any further into that, but I will say that I had a very interesting morning.


• I found a place that I can buy a copy of Dreamweaver very cheap.  I like to write my own code, but sometimes it would be nice to have a good editor.  So, unless someone wants to give me a free copy, I think I'll be buying it as soon as I get paid for the two sites I'm working on.


• Sometimes I really hate being a woman.  I hate the fluctuating hormones, the cramps, the men staring at you like you are freaking crazy.


• When you are really bored and trying to avoid doing work, you can make some really fun little shapes out of your shocktarts. (see below for proof)

• 
  
  One more thing I forgot to write.  On Jewish holidays, I really like the fact that all my bosses are Jewish and are not in the office.

It looks like Ivan didn't hit quite as hard as they were expecting it to in Mobile.  Hubby talked to his parents this morning and they are planning to head back home today.  We should know more by this evening.  They said that it ended up hitting a little further east than they were expecting, so hopefully their house is safe and sound when they get there.

They reported that it took them 10 1/2 hours to get to Kaplan from their house the day before, and they left at midnight!  It is usually about a 2 1/2-3 hour drive.  They were pretty worn out by the time they got there.

I'm anxious for them to get home now and give us another update!

Living in the midwest, I've never had to worry much about hurricanes.  The worst we get here is tornados and even though they can be scary, at least you can hide out in the basement and be somewhat safe. 

The reality of Hurricane Ivan is finally starting to sink in for me.  It now appears to be heading right for Mobile, AL where my mother and father-in-law live.  Hubby talked to them lastnight and they were getting ready to evacuate.  They were heading to my brother-in-law's house in Louisiana, which will hopefully be outside of Ivan's path.

So, now I am sitting here staring at images of Ivan's path and really hoping that their home will be safe.  I know they will be safe since they are evacuating, but I can't imagine how it must feel knowing that your home is sitting there totally vulnerable to mother nature and this storm that she has sent.

And my hubby thinks he wants to move down there?  I think he's crazy!  I realize that things like this don't happen all the time, but after seeing all the pictures of Florida and the destruction that has occured there, I'm thinking the midwest is kinda nice!

I was trying to remember today why September 14th was sticking out in my mind.  I know it was a day that I used to always remember for a special reason.  Then I finally remembered.  Something happened on September 14, I think 11 years ago.  It was a very good day.  It was a day that changed my life forever.

I am very bored at work today.  I have stuff that I should be doing, but I just don't want to do it.  I actually don't think I have done anything work related since I got back from lunch, other than sorting through the mail.

I've been working an a new layout for my personal website, but decided that I don't really like it very much.  I think I just need to start all over  from scratch.  I think I might have just had an idea.  Gonna have to remember that one.  Anyway, I'm wanting to use a blog program for my home page so I can easily update it with family news, etc. but I can't decide what to use.  I was originally going to go with blogger, but I got mad last week when I couldn't post and started looking for other options.  Since then, I have downloaded and uploaded both Nucleus and WordPress to my site.  Nucleus seems like a good program, but is rather confusing when it comes to changing your layout.  Each little piece has to be edited separately instead of just one page that you edit.  So far, I really like WordPress.  It seems pretty easy to use, although I haven't bothered to change the template yet because it is done in php.  I don't know php.  I've been noticing lately that a lot of sites are being done in php.  I guess I may have to start learning.  Just when I thought I was doing good to get html and css down!  My next step was going to be java, but now I'm anxious to start working on php.  I need to make some computer geek friends that know this stuff so they can help me out!  It just takes me way too long to learn all these different languages.  I'm never going to break into the web design business if I can't get this stuff down.  Ok, I suck and now I'm depressed. 

I wish I had more time to devote to my web design stuff.  I really love doing it when I have the time.  The good news is that I have not one, but TWO, that's right, I said TWO, projects going right now for people that are actually going to pay me!  Woohoo!  Yes, I'm excited about that.  One is a full website re-design.  The other is a blog site.  They should both be pretty fun projects.  With those going on, it is hard to find time to work on my own sites.  I need to finish up my personal site, as well as a re-design for my web design site.  I have decided it is looking a bit shabby.  Also, on top of those, I still haven't finished my company's site.  I started a re-design a while back, but then got too busy to finish it.  I guess I could be doing that instead of wasting my work time here on tblog.

Why is it that things can never just go as planned?  I took my car in Friday for an estimate to fix the paint where the guy backed into me a couple weeks ago.  When I was there, the adjustor told me to bring my car in on Tuesday morning and drop it off and they would have a rental car there waiting for me.  He said that I didn't need to make any arrangements, that they would take care of everything.  So, I show up this morning at 8:00, as I told them I would to drop my car off.  They told me that Enterprise would be right over with my car.  I stepped outside to wait because it was such a nice morning.  After about 10-15 minutes of waiting, the guy came outside and said there was a mix-up with my reservation and that it had been sent to another store about 10 minutes away, but that they would bring the car to me.  So I waited, and waited.  The guy comes out again and tells me that they were wrong the first time and that my reservation was actually in Gladstone, which is a good 30-40 minutes away from where I was.  They said that they would still get me a car, but it would be later in the day.  They said that I could go ahead and fill out the paperwork and that they would take me to work, then bring me the car when it was ready.  I agreed to all of that, so I signed the papers and the guy finally dropped me off at work (an hour late).  I'm still waiting for a car, even though I'm really not expecting it to happen anytime soon.  I should have know that things wouldn't be so simple. 

Is it really Monday already?  The weekend sure did go by fast.  I am so not ready for this week to start yet.

I didn't have a very exciting weekend.  We drove down to Springfield Friday night.  After visiting with my grandma for a while, we got in a few very short hours of sleep, then had to get up at 5:30 Saturday morning to get over the her house and start putting things out for the sale.  I spent most of the day helping grandma clean stuff out of the house and visiting with my cousins.  It is always nice to see my family, even if I had to work my butt off.  After a very long day, we drove back home and then pretty much crashed. 

Sunday was the big football celebration!  Since we have the NFL package where we get all the games, my sis and her family came over to our house to watch football.  There was lots of food eaten, football watched, and a few games of scrabble played.  All in all it was a pretty fun day, but I still feel like I need a day to relax!

Because of you, I was forced to go have lunch at Planet Sub.  And it was really damn good.  That's all I have to say.

Hmmm...I have decided that I have absolutely nothing interesting to say today. I'm ready to get the heck out of here. Bossman told me that I could leave early if I got everything done, but he didn't say when "early" was. I'm thinking that everything important is done, so it is about time for me to take off. I need to go get an estimate to get the paint fixed on my car so I thought if I could get out of here early enough today would be a good day to do it.

I've been thinking about Aliciarose and her wedding today. I really hope everything goes well. she deserves it after all the hard work she has put into it.

I am so not looking forward to the long boring car trip to Springfield tonight. I would rather spend it at home relaxing. Speaking of which, I just remembered I need to call my brother-in-law and make sure he can still come check on the dog while we're gone.

Hope everyone has a great weekend. We'll be barbequeing and celebrating the beginning of football season at my house on Sunday if anyone wants to come over ;)

Have I mentioned lately how much my mother irritates me?

Hubby and I are heading down to Springfield tonight to visit my Grandma and to help out with her sale.  She is selling most of the stuff in her house so she can have it ready to go on the market.  She hasn't actually lived in the house for a couple years now.  My grandpa and her moved into an apartment with plans to clean out the house and sell it.  But, when my grandpa started getting sick, he just didn't have the energy to do much so it has just been sitting there. 

A while back my grandma mentioned that she had a riding lawnmower over there that was still in pretty good condition and asked us if we would be interested in it.  I told her we were and we have been trying to figure out a way that we could get it back up here.  So, this weekend we were planning on taking a look at the mower and decide whether we wanted it for sure. 

This morning I got a call from my mom saying that they had someone standing there that wanted to buy it and she needed to know for sure if we wanted it or not.  I couldn't give her an answer because we haven't even seen what kind of condition it is in yet, so she went ahead and sold it.  Her excuse was that last time she talked to my Hubby, he sounded like he didn't really want it.  What he actually said was that if it was going to break down all the time he didn't want it.  He wants something more reliable.

I suppose that it's not really a big deal and I should just let it go, but her whole attitude about it just pissed me off.  It's hard to convey in writing the way she was acting about it, but she can be such a freakin' baby sometimes.

I have a lot running through my head so I'm not sure how clearly I will be able to write this out, but I'll give it a try. This has been brewing for a few days and I've struggled with whether or not I wanted to write it all out. I will warn you now that this post contains views on religion and God. This is something that is very difficult for me to share, but I feel that I need to.

Lately, well for the last few years actually, I have been feeling like I am searching for something in my life. I'm looking for something to give my life meaning, something that will fulfill me. No matter what I'be tried, nothing seemed to fit. It seems like no matter what I do, I am never satisfied. I always feel an emptiness inside.

In the last couple of weeks, I have started to feel a change. I'm not sure what that change is, but it feels good. I have started relaxing more and taking time for me, which is good for my soul, but I don't think that is all that is happening.

Last week I decided on a whim to buy the book The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren. The basic premise of the book is to guide you towards God's purpose for your life. I thought perhaps it would help me find a little clarity. As Mr. Warren asks you to do in the book, I am taking it slow, reading only a chapter at a time. I'm taking the time in between to let his words sink in and using a journal to record my thoughts. I have only read through chapter 4 so far, but I think it is a good start.

I am by nature a very skeptical person. When you tell me something, I want proof. Maybe it is due to growing up in the "show-me state" but I just always want to know more. I want details before I believe something. This kind of skepticism is what has always kept me just outside the line of being a complete believer in Christianity. Don't get me wrong. I do believe in God and the Bible and all that comes with it, but I have always in the back of my mind had doubts.

Growing up as the daughter of a preacher, it was very difficult for me to ever express my doubts or skepticism of Christianity. I was just expected to believe what I was told. I spent the first 18 years of my life going through the motions and doing what I was told to do. I went to church every Sunday like a good little girl and played the role that I was expected to play.

When it came time to go off to college, one of the things that excited me the most was that I didn't have to go to church if I didn't want to. I loved having the freedom to make that choice for myself. During the 3 1/2 years that I was at school, I could probably count on one hand the few times that I went to church by choice. I still went when I was at home for the weekends, but as before, it was to fulfill my role as the preacher's kid, not because I wanted to be there.

After college, I conveniently got a job where I had to work a 12-hour shift every Sunday, so I couldn't go to church. At that point, my life had pretty much completely fallen apart and God was about the furthest thing from my mind. I had just left my ex-husband and moved into an apartment on my own. I was at the lowest point I have ever been in my life.

About a year and a half later, I met my current husband. A few months after we started dating, he moved here from Louisiana. When he moved up here, he started attending one of the local churches on Sundays. After a while, he asked me to come with him. I had misgivings, but I decided that I should give it a try. If nothing else, I knew it would make him happy that I gave it the effort. It was very difficult for a while. He grew up as a Southern Baptist, and I grew up Methodist. I felt totally out of place in a Baptist church, and he felt totally out of place in a Methodist church. Eventually, we found a non-denominational church that we could both agree on and started attending there regularly.

After some time, I started actually enjoying going to this church and even looked forward to it. I started actually finding meaning in the messages that the pastor conveyed every Sunday morning. This was something new to me. However, I still wanted to question everything. I refused to just give in and believe.

I listened to other people tell me about their relationship with God and how good it made them feel. I saw with my own eyes the changes in my husband when he decided to hand his life over to God. He became a different person. He found the strength to fight off the addictions that were controlling his life, and became a much more loving, caring individual. Yet, even after all of that, I still couldn't let myself give in to it.

This has been something that I have been struggling with for quite a while now. I want to let God become first in my life. I want to build the relationship that I see other people have. I don't want to be a skeptic anymore. I just didn't know where to start.

I think maybe that is why I felt the need to buy the book. The night I bought it, I came home and immediately started reading. I rushed throught the first three chapters, which I have since gone back and read one at a time. Toward the end of the second chapter something happened to me. I can't explain it. Trust me, being the skeptic that I am I really wish I could. But suddenly, as I was reading, I felt a warmth come over my body. It started in my chest and quickly spread through the rest of me. It was one of the most wonderful things I have ever felt in my life. I know it may sound rather cheesey, but I swear this really did happen. I just sat there basking in this wonderful feeling that I was having.

The next Sunday, hubby and I went to my dad's church. In his sermon, he was talking about feeling God's calling. One of the points that he made was that in our daily lives we are so busy with activities and hobbies that we don't leave any time to listen to God. As I was listening to him, everything made perfect sense. I spend so much time occupying myself with other things, that I'm not leaving any time for what matters most. I spend so much time trying to keep my house clean, working, playing my guitar, exercising, playing on my computer, and everyting else that I am not giving God the opportunity to speak to me. My mind is constantly occupied with other things. Even if He is speaking to me, I'm so busy that I would never hear it anyway. At the same time, I also realized that I'm doing the same thing to my husband. I need to take some time out to nurture that relationship too.

So, the point of all this is that I have a new goal for myself. Despite all the business of life, I am going to make it a point from now on to take some time out and nurture my relationship with God and just to sit back and listen. I think the book I am reading will help with this, as it helps me to focus. I also want to make a point of spending some quality time with my husband. I have been feeling a strain on our relationship lately that I don't like. I think he can help me on my journey as well. In fact, maybe that is part of his purpose in life.

Perhaps this is what I have been searching for, perhaps it is not. If not, I hope that it will at least lead me in the right direction. As I said before, this has been difficult for me to share, but I feel that in order to really begin my journey and to hold myself accountable, it is necessary to share. I am starting here because this is my safe place. I hope to soon be able to share this with others, including my family and friends. I have a really hard time opening up to those I really care about. I'm always afraid of being ridiculed or made fun of. But, it is time to make a change in myself, and this is where I'm starting.

What a nice break it was to have a 3-day weekend!  I really enjoyed the weekend even though I didn't do much.  It was really nice to have a weekend at home when I didn't really have anything planned.  I just really went with the flow this weekend and did whatever I felt like doing.

I spent a lot of the weekend cooking and playing my Gameboy which I haven't done for quite a while.  I should have been working on my website, but just didn't feel the urge to even be on the computer this weekend.

On Sunday, we went to my dad's church and then to his house for dinner after church.  My sis told us that they wanted to come over and get a dresser from us that we are giving her to use for the kids.  So, they ended up coming over around dinner time, along with my mom.  I cooked dinner for everyone and helped them load up the dresser.  My mom left and took my nephew with her so he could spend the night at Grandma's.  My sis and her hubby were about to leave when it started just pouring down raining.  They decided to stay for a while and wait out the storm, so we played a couple games of scrabble, which I haven't done for years.  Amazingly I really enjoyed it...and I totally kicked butt the second game!  We finished up about midnight and they headed home.  It really ended up to be a great day.

Monday morning I wasn't in any hurry to get out of bed, but my mom called and woke me up around 9:00.  I wasn't too thrilled about it, but what can you do?  We got up and worked out.  After that, hubby and I spent most of the morning bumming around and playing video games, then we got our cars out and cleaned them out.  Mine was pretty easy, but hubby's car was a nightmare!  He hasn't driven it in over a year, so the battery was dead, it barely had any oil in it, and it was covered inside and out in mud from his last job.  So, we had to jump start it to get it out of the garage.  He cleaned out the majority of the mud and changed the oil, then I helped him finish up the inside of the car.  It looks like a totally different car now.  Now all we need is a new battery and it should be running like new (hopefully).  Since he has a company truck, he doesn't even drive his car, but we keep it around just in case.  We do want to get it fixed up though as we plan on selling it to a friend's kid in the next year or so when he gets his permit.

So, that was my nice relaxing weekend and now I'm back at work.  Today has been pretty busy so far and I'm sure the rest of the week is going to be as well.  Seems like everything just hit all at once.  I wish I could just go back to Friday and have another 3-day weekend to relax!

Wow, I still can't believe how busy my day was at work yesterday.  I haven't had a day like that in months!  I actually spent most of the day editing some pictures for my boss (which I enjoyed) but I hated spending my time on that when I knew I had so much other stuff to do!

I did ask my mom about her lunch date.  It took her a minute to respond, but when she did, she said that it was just a friend of hers that she ran into at the restaurant.  I still don't believe that.  It was just way too suspicious...besides the fact that this is the second time I caught her!  We'll see what happens in the future.  She sure has been getting a lot of phone calls lately!

I'm trying to take it easy this weekend and relax.  I actually have spent most of my day in the kitchen today.  I made a 7-layer dip to snack on while football is on, pear cobbler (like an apple crisp, but with fresh pears from the tree in our yard), and I'm still working on the Jambalaya for dinner.  Normally I just absolutely hate to cook, but for some reason I was in the mood today.  I think sometimes it can be relaxing just to create in the kitchen.

Hubby and I have the pleasure of dog-sitting for our friends this weekend which has been interesting.  Their dog and our dog are finally starting to get along a little bit, but my cats are still pretty pissed off.  Maybe by the end of the weekend they'll get used to it!

Last but not least, I  really appreciate all the comments over the last couple days even if I haven't had the time to respond to all of them.  I'll try to do better!

BUSY, BUSY, BUSY DAY!  I want to post but have no time.  I'll have to try to update sometime over the weekend.

Well, I asked for opinions yesterday, and boy did I get them. I wasn't really expecting a full-on debate on my blog, but it was interesting anyway. I would like to comment more on that, but for now I have other things on my mind.

Something happened during lunch today that just has me flustered. Let me explain the situation and tell me what you think I should do.

My mom called me about 10:30 this morning from the doctor's office. She had rushed out of work to get to her appointment on time, so she just wanted to let me know where she was. She said that it was going to take a while, so she wouldn't be back for lunch. We usually go to lunch together so she wanted to let me know so I wasn't waiting around for her. So far, no big deal. In fact, I was kinda looking forward to having a nice quiet lunch by myself for a change.

So, lunchtime comes around and I decided to go up the street to Godfather's which is usually pretty quiet and not too busy. I took a book with me so I could read for a bit. when I pulled into the parking lot, I saw a car that looked just like hers. I thought that was rather odd, but thought maybe she just stopped here for a bite to eat on her way back to work. I walked into the restaurant and there she was sitting with some guy having lunch. Her back was to me, so she didn't see me look at her when I walked in. I didn't want to disturb her (since she obviously didn't want me to know that's what she was doing) so I just went ahead and got my food and had a seat. A couple minutes later I took a chance and looked up and she was gone, but the guy was still there. He quickly finished his food and left.

I finished my lunch, read my book for a little bit, talked to my hubby on the phone, and then headed back to work. When I got to work, she still wasn't there and didn't show up for at least another 30-45 minutes.

When she got back, she made a point of telling me how long her doctor's appointment was and how she had to wait over an hour before she even got in to see the doctor, etc. Now, she is asking me to hurry up and get my work done so I can help her get hers done as she is taking the day off tomorrow. Quite frankly, I don't want to help her at all since I know that she was screwing around for the last couple hours with some guy instead of coming back to work when she was done at the doctor. Don't get me wrong here. I'm really happy that she has a friend or boyfriend, or whatever he is to hang out with, but I don't understand why she feels the need to hide it and then make me cover her ass for not getting her work done.

So, what do you think I should do? Should I confront her about it or just let it go? I want to say something to her, but don't want her to get pissed off about it.

The really funny part about it all is that I caught her with the same guy probably almost 2 years ago at lunchtime. That time, she knew I saw her and introduced him as a friend and made me actually sit down with them and have lunch. It was actually quite embarassing for us both.

I'm just not sure what to do at this point. I'm really crossed with feelings of anxiety and just wanting to sit back and laugh hysterically. Someone please tell me what I should do before I go insane!!!

As I've stated many times before to numerous people here on tblog, I'm not a very politically minded person. In fact, until recently, I have pretty much not had any interets whatsoever in politics. That all changed when I started seeing my friends and family being sent off to fight a war that I don't understand. With the war in mind and the presidential election coming up, I've been trying to become more aware. I've been doing some reading when I have the chance and trying to form my own opinions of things.

I recently read the lyrics to a song called "American Redneck" which stirred up more of a desire to get involved. The song is by a musician who calls himself Richard Roe. He used to be a good friend of mine, but over the years our paths have parted ways. I'm interested to hear other people's reaction to his lyrics. To me, it is rather harsh, but I think sometimes it is necessary to be harsh in order to get your point across. So, please read the lyrics and let me know what you think.

AMERICAN REDNECK

Every day thousands die, as they’re going unfed
On our factory farms, they’re ripping testicles off pigs
In many nations, women are treated like shit
Hitler wannabes with bombs and they’re murdering kids

Oh, but I’m an American, and I don’t give a fuck
I don’t take any blame, and I drive a big truck

With a flag in the window, that fills me pride
Cuz I deserved to be born here, at least in my mind
I love cars that go fast, and I worship sports teams
In God I trust, though I don’t know what that means
Murder is rampant, rape and torture as well
For millions of beings this is a human made hell...

Oh, but I’m an American, of the mighty US of A
If we wanted to, we could bring about change
But I’d rather watch tv, so I give a deaf ear
I’ve got plenty to do, rather than to give in and care

Unless someone tells me that it’s a noble cause
I’d love to kill something for that thrill of playing God
I make fun of those different, I can be selfish and mean
The Bible’s my book, though I don’t really read

Oh, but I’m an American, and I don’t give a fuck
I don’t take any blame, and I drive a big truck
And I like to watch tv, and I’ll give a deaf ear
I’ve got plenty to do, rather than to give in and care