drifting away...

I'm still tired today, which means the creative juices are just not flowing.  I would love to be at home lounging on my couch today.  I would be happy to read a book or magazine or even to just turn on some music and let my mind wander for a bit.  I'm longing for Spring.  The weather has been warmer the last few days (with the exception of yesterday) and it is really putting me in the mood to enjoy the outdoors.  A good Spring breeze always puts me in a happy mood. 

The smell of Spring reminds me of one of my favorite memories from my college days.  My last year of college, my ex-husband and I had moved into a new apartment.  It was a brand new building and we were living on the second floor.  It was a small place, but we loved it.  In the tiny living room there was a sliding glass door that led out to a small balcony.  When the weather was nice, whenever I had an hour or two break between classes or work, I would come home and open the sliding glass door all the way, turn on the ceiling fan, and lay on the couch.  Sometimes I would study.  Other times I would just lay there and slip in and out of sleep.  There was an empty field directly behind us, and when a breeze would blow in, there was always the wonderful smell of fresh cut grass or flowers.  I loved to lay there and just enjoy how peaceful it was.  To this day, that is still the place I go to in my mind when I just really need to relax.  It is the last time I can remember when I was able to truly relax without any cares or worries.

I would give just about anything right now for a soft bed, a pillow, and a blanket.  5:00 cannot come soon enough today. zzzzz......

Well, we went to the doctor today for the 3D ultrasound. Apparently little Zachary has a bit of a stubborn streak in him. He had his hands in front of his face and wanted to keep them there so we couldn't get any clear pictures. After about 15 minutes, the sonographer gave up and asked us to reschedule. So, we're going to go back next week and try again. She did manage to get one halfway decent picture though where you can see his face from a side view. I guess this will have to do until we get to go back next week.

26 minutes to go until I get to leave to go have my 3D ultrasound done.  I've been so anxious all day I can't hardly stand it.  This little baby sure is going to be loved.  I'll post some pics up either tonight or tomorrow morning so you can all ooh and aah over him.

No Other Way-Jack Johnson

When your mind is a mess so is mine I can’t sleep
Because it hurts when I think when my thoughts aren’t at peace
With the plans that we make and the chances we take
They’re not yours they’re not mine
There are waves that can break
All the words that we said and the words that we mean
And the words can fall short, can’t see the unseen
Because the world is awake so for somebody’s sake
Now please close your eyes
Woman, please get some sleep

Sleep and know that if I knew all of the answers
I would not hold them from you
Know all of the things that I know
Because we told each other there is no other way

Too much silence can be misleading
You’re drifting I can hear it in the way that you’re breathing
We don’t really need to find reason
Because out the same door that it came well it’s leaving
It’s leaving
Leaving like a day that’s done and part of a season
Resolve is just a concept that’s as dead as the leaves
But at least we could sleep, it’s all that we need
When we wake we would find, our minds would be free
To go to sleep

Sleep and know that if I knew all of the answers
I would not hold them from you
Know all of the things that I know
Because we told each other there is no other way

I know everybody is probably getting so tired of hearing about this baby, but do you have any idea how cool it is to be laying in bed and see your whole stomach do a big rippling wave?  Hubby and I were laying in bed the other night watching a movie and the baby started squirming around, so I started watching my stomach.  All of a sudden there was this huge big wave that went across my belly.  It was the grossest yet coolest thing I think I have ever seen!  Then, at church on Sunday, my sister and I kept cracking up because she kept seeing him kick.  I think she spent the whole church service just staring at my belly.

Tomorrow is the 3-D ultrasound and I can't wait!  Since last week I've been thinking in terms of only having 3 months left, but today somehow I got the idea into my head that 3 months means...12 weeks.  And if he comes early it could be even less.  If he is 2 weeks early, that means I could be holding my little baby in only 10 weeks.  Somehow thinking in those terms makes it seem like it is so much closer.  I still have so much to do and I know those weeks will just fly by.  I just can't believe he is almost here.  After waiting for so many years to have a baby, it just seems so unreal sometimes. 

I'm in a bit of a sullen mood today.  I seem to be this way a lot on Mondays for some reason.  I read something this morning that made me both happy and sad at the same time.  Don't ask me to explain how you can feel such opposite emotions at the same time, but I accomplished it today.  I was always very interested in emotions when I was studying Psychology in college, but unfortunately never got very deep into it.  It always has amazed me how much memories can trigger certain emotions.  Things that happened years ago can come flooding back with emotions so strong you could swear that you had just experienced it all over again.

Call me strange, but I like re-living those emotions.  I like that I can feel the happiness and pain of my past whenever I want to.  There was a time in my life when I was numb and I wasn't sure if I would ever be able to feel emotions again.  Now, I embrace each feeling of happiness, sadness, joy, and pain that comes along.

Yesterday, for instance, hubby was playing a new video game all day, so I took the opportunity to grab the remote and have a little TV time to myself.  In typical female fashion, I settled on a Lifetime movie.  The movie was about teen pregnancy.  By the end of the movie I was completely sobbing.  I cried like I haven't cried in a very long time.  In fact I think the last time I probably have cried like that was when my Grandpa died.  I was a little embarrased because I got caught by hubby, but it felt so great to feel so deeply.  Sure, it was just a movie, but it brought about such an emotional response in me.  For whatever reason, it felt great just to cry and get it out.

Perhaps I'm a little over-emotional these days.  The pregnancy hormones do tend to have that effect.  But, I think emotions are good.  Emotions stick with you.  Emotions can bring about memories, or memories can bring the emotions flooding in.  Either way, isn't it wonderful that we can feel things the way we do?

I realized as I was driving in to work this morning that I don't usually work on Good Friday.  Even though he doesn't celebrate it, my boss recognizes that it is a religious holiday for us Christians and usually gives us the day off.  Apparently this year it just slipped up so fast we all forgot.  He did say we could leave early though once we reminded him.  Easter just seems like it has crept up on my out of no where this year.  It seems like we just had Christmas a few weeks ago! 

I got my replacement iPAQ yesterday so I haven't been doing much work.  I've been playing around and loading stuff on there.  I really don't have much need for it, but hey, it's a new toy and it's fun to play with.  I did discover that it has Windows Media player on there so I can load up some music files and listen wherever I want.  I just have to get a memory card to hold the files, but they are pretty cheap these days.

Well, I gotta get back to work so I can get out of here soon.  For those of you celebrating it....HAPPY EASTER!

My sister finally posted some new pics up on her website of the boys and I just had to share this one of my adorable new nephew.  He's just over 3 months old now and still as cute as ever.  He also just happens to be dressed in the Old Navy outfit I bought him.

I finally got my ipaq today.  It doesn't work, which I already knew, but I called HP and they are sending me a new one.  It should come in by 10:30 tomorrow morning.  I'm so glad he decided to take out that extra service package.  Woohoo!  I love having new toys to play with.  Plus it is even more fun cause my mom is super jealous.  She is usually the one that gets all the toys.

In other not so interesting news, today I officially start the 3rd trimester of my pregnancy.  It doesn't really mean much other than the fact that I'm now 2/3 of the way done and that my belly is going to grow immensely over the next few months.  I'm so anxious for this baby to come out!

Otherwise I've had a rather boring day.  I don't really have much else to say except that I'm so glad it's almost time to go home!  Have a great night everybody!

Due to lack of a subject matter to write about I decided to do the old "100 things about me" list.  It took me two days to complete the list, but I have finally done it.  Hopefully, if you read the entire thing, you'll learn a thing or two about hardtoimagine that you didn't know before.

1. I am 27 years old


2. I have been head-over-heels in love 3 times in my life


3. I still love all 3 of them in my own way


4. I have been divorced once


5. I have been married twice


6. I am six months pregnant with a baby boy


7. I am terrified, yet anxious to become a mother


8. I love my family


9. I have very few close friends


10. I have a BS degree in Psychology


11. I took a year of graduate level classes in Social Work and then quit


12. I was always an “A” student and highly disappointed in myself if I got anything else


13. I am extremely disappointed in myself for quitting graduate school


14. My original chosen profession was to be a beautician and own my own salon


15. Some days I wish I would have stuck with that dream


16. I now sit at a desk all day getting paid very well for doing very little work


17. I hate my job, but the benefits and the paycheck keep me here


18. I have a dog, 2 cats, and a guinea pig


19. I am finally starting to buy my own furniture and getting rid of the hand-me-downs


20. I dream of owning my own house, but know that it is still several years away


21. I have a very creative spirit but sometimes struggle to let it come out


22. I know exactly where everything in my house is until I need it


23. My blog is sometimes my best friend


24. I lack self-motivation


25. I sometimes feel like I am a terrible wife


26. I consider myself to be a “computer geek” even though I still have a lot to learn


27. I love web design and wish I had the resources to take some classes and learn more about the technical aspects of it


28. I taught myself to crochet, and even though I’m not very good at it I still enjoy it


29. I have a hard time finishing what I start


30. I have a closet full of unfinished projects


31. I have 3 guitars that I can barely play


32. I have lived in 15 different houses/apartments in 9 different cities/towns


33. I miss the friends that I have lost contact with in each of those 9 places


34. I am really bad at staying in touch with people I care about


35. I sometimes wish I could share this blog with everyone I know, but I fear that would result in me hiding my true self


36. I really hate cooking and cleaning up the mess it makes


37. I have done things I am ashamed of in order to make friends


38. I try to live my life with no regrets


39. I have always felt like the “favorite child” in my family


40. I sometimes feel like my father loves me more than anyone else ever could


41. Even though I love my mother I feel like she is deceitful and manipulative even to those she claims to love


42. I have learned throughout my life that no one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes


43. I have the ability to lie to anyone with a straight face without cracking


44. I sometimes wish I wasn’t so good at lying


45. I hate speaking in front of a group or crowd


46. I get embarrassed and blush easily


47. I was a band geek in high school and loved it


48. I really miss playing music


49. I wish my husband was more romantic and passionate


50. I think a margarita on the rocks with a little salt is the perfect drink


51. I also love a Sex on the Beach (the drink) from time to time


52. I have always wanted to have sex on a secluded beach or in the back of a pick-up looking at the stars


53. The most interesting place I have ever had sex was in a cemetery


54. I lost my virginity when I was barely 16 and never regretted it


55. I want to learn to sew and make my own clothes


56. I am the legal guardian for Ray, a 69-year-old man with developmental disabilities


57. Even on a bad day a visit with Ray can always make me smile


58. About two seconds after I typed that, I got a phone call about Ray…kinda weird


59. I am a huge Boston Red Sox fan


60. My ex-husband turned me on to the Red Sox, before that I didn’t care much for baseball


61. I have been to a game at Fenway Park


62. I was born in Dallas, Texas


63. I would love to live in Texas again someday


64. I once went on a mission trip with my church youth group to Jamaica


65. The trip to Jamaica was without a doubt the most memorable and most spiritual experience of my life


66. I took an IQ test when I was in 6^th grade, but my parents refused to tell me what my score was


67. I love listening to live music of any kind


68. I think guitar players are super sexy


69. I always wanted a man that would write me songs and play guitar for me


70. My hubby plays bass guitar and it drives me nuts having to listen to him


71. I wish I could sing better


72. If I could sing (or even play guitar) I would want to be in a chick rock band


73. I crave the “rock’n’roll lifestyle” but in reality I’m just a homebody


74. I love taking pictures


75. I am totally addicted to The O.C.


76. Sometimes I cry for no reason


77. My husband is my best friend


78. I was born in 1978


79. I am normally very shy when I first meet people


80. I was not shy when I met my husband


81. I met my husband at a bar/dance club


82. I hardly ever feel that I am pretty


83. My husband makes me feel beautiful


84. I love looking at my pregnant belly and imagining what the baby will look like


85. I have a large collection of Coca-Cola stuff


86. Most of my favorite Coca-Cola items were gifts from my ex-husband


87. I have two tattoos, a tiger on my back and a the name Jesus in the shape of a fish on my left wrist


88. I have 4 holes in my ears and one in my belly button


89. I have always felt like I was fat, even when I really wasn’t


90. I have very low self-esteem


91. I am related to three former presidents and a famous actor


92. My paternal grandmother died when I was about 10 years old and I still miss her every day


93. No one in my family understands the connection I had with my grandma


94. I wish I could have known her as an adult


95. I am the daughter of a Methodist Pastor


96. I graduated from high school in 1996


97. In 1997 I married my high school sweetheart


98. My nephews mean the world to me


99. I would do anything to protect them


100. I can’t believe I actually finished this list!

I just looked outside and it is snowing!  Alicia must have sent it my way.  Two days ago it was sunny and warm. :?

My 3D ultrasound has now been rescheduled.  I'm a little bummed cause it was supposed to be on this Wednesday and now I have to wait until next Tuesday to get it done.  But, it's gonna be free, so I guess I can't complain too terribly much.  I can't wait to see Zachary's little face.  Plus, I'll get a video tape of it that I'm sure I will watch over and over and over again for the next 3 months!

My weekend was extremely uneventful, which is just the way I like it.  Hubby and I spent most of the weekend at home watching movies and just hanging out together.  We did get out Saturday and do a bit of shopping.  I went out seeking some good deals on maternity clothes at Old Navy and was pretty unsuccessful.  Hubby went seeking a lawnmower and was very successful at that.  We are now the proud owners of our very own shiny riding lawnmower.  It will be very nice to have one that runs for more than 5 minutes at a time finally.  Plus, we got $200 knocked off of the marked price, so that made it even better.  I love to get a good deal!

Besides doing laundry and shopping, the only thing I really got accomplished this weekend was getting my computer desk all put together.  I'm so happy to finally have it.  Now I just have to get everything put away in the appropriate spot.  The desk looks great, but the rest of the room looks like a disaster area right now!  Hopefully I'll be able to get that all finished up this week.

Sometimes this job that I bitch and moan about does have its benefits.  The ex-boss (formerly referred to as "bad boss") has been having problems with his IPAQ, so he just decided to buy a new Dell instead.  I was told yesterday that if I wanted to mess with the warranty, I could have the IPAQ.  So, I looked up the paperwork and he purchased a 3-year service/replacement plan when he bought it a year ago.  With all the extras he purchased, he spent over $1000 on it and he is just going to give it to me for nothing.  The only thing is he has to find it and bring it to me.  But I know he had it in the office last week, so hopefully it won't be too hard to locate.  Now, if he can just remember to bring it in so I can get started on the warranty work it would be great.

Then, this morning, the same ex-boss was asking me about how the baby was doing.  I was telling him about doing the 3-D ultrasound next week and he asked me how much it was going to cost.  When I told him, he said I should have asked Dr. M (his business partner, who is an OB/Gyn) about doing it.  So, he gets on the phone and calls Dr. M, who says he will do it for me at no cost.  I just have to call Monday and set it up with his assistant.  How great is that?  I was just hoping he would give me a discount on it.  I never expected him to do it for free!  That's an extra $125 I can now put toward my $1000 deductible that I'm trying to get paid off.

This is certainly a good way to start out the weekend!

My mom is still home sick today, so at lunch I went and ran some errands for her.  I had to go to the pharmacy to pick up some meds and the grocery store because she had no food at her house.  While I was at the grocery store, I picked up a pint of Ben & Jerry's Phish Food ice cream as my "tip" for running her errands.  That stuff is so damn good.  I only have it about once a year or so.  I'm normally not much of an ice cream fan, but lately it has been tasting really good. 

I brought the ice cream back to work with me for an afternoon snack.  So, of course, I started eating it as soon as I got in the door.  I just finished off half of the pint and feel like a total pig.  It's just so hard to stop once you start!

Every time I eat Ben & Jerry's ice cream, it reminds me of my freshman year of college.  I was living in the dorms on campus and was always broke, so I had to eat at the Student Union where my food was already paid for.  At the Union they always had a cooler full of Ben & Jerry's.  So, when I was tired of eating the shitty pizza, cold sandwiches, or Taco Bell burritos, I would often make a meal out of a pint of Ben & Jerry's (and I wonder where that "freshman 15" came from).  Sometimes that pint of Cherry Garcia or Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ice cream would be the best thing I had to eat all week.

It's funny how a simple thing like ice cream can bring back so many memories.  College was certainly a fun time in my life, perhaps some of the best times I've ever had.

Just wanted to say...

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

I often wonder why I feel the need to post an entry in my blog even when I really have nothing to write about.  I often call it an addiction but perhaps it is more of a habit or routine.  Every day when I come to work, I log in to my computer, check my e-mail, catch up on blog reading (unless I get interupted first), then post a blog entry if I have something to write about.  On the days that I don't have anything much to say and I don't post anything, I feel like my day is incomplete.  I've been thinking about this all day because today is one of those days when I really have nothing interesting to say.  Yet, I still have a need to fill this page with my boring babble.

Today has been a very quiet day at work.  The boss is out sick (not that he would be here anyway).  My mom is out sick.  I would rather be anywhere but here.  I've spent the afternoon editing some PowerPoint presentations for one of the other companies in the office.  I didn't expect it to take me nearly as long as it has, but there was a LOT of editing to do.  My eyes are starting to cross from looking at the computer screen so long.  I'm thinking I'm gonna head out a little early today.  There are only 2 of us left in the office anyway.

Yesterday I got an e-mail from a co-worker that is participating in the local MS Walk.  She was asking for donations to be made in her name, which I plan on doing, but I can't afford to do a lot.  Her goal for this year is to raise $1000.  So, I thought I would put up a link and ask for even more donations.  If you look over there <---- you will see a link for the MS Society.  You can make a general donation or you can donate toward the goal of a specific person who is participating in one of their events.  If you would like to donate in my co-workers name, please tmail me and I will give you her name.  She is a wonderful lady who was diagnosed with MS several years ago.  Right now she is doing pretty well health-wise, but there are a lot of factors she must keep under control in order to keep the MS at bay for a while.  If you have a few extra bucks sitting around, your donations would be very much appreciated!

I am determined to make today a better day than yesterday.  I wish I could understand why I get so moody sometimes.  I am so glad that my hubby has learned to deal with my moodiness.  Since I have been pregnant, my moods seem even more extreme but he still manages to put up with it.

But, as I said, today will be a better day.  Even getting stuck in traffic this morning didn't really get me too upset.  I'm still tired and my stomach is a bit queasy today, but I will not let that get me down either.  I'm listening to *gasp* the radio today hoping that I will hear something that will energize me rather than picking out my own tunes. 

Tonight I will get some much needed alone time.  Hubby is going to the Motley Crue concert with a friend. I was supposed to go, but the guy that hooked us up with the tickets ended up with only 2 instead of 4, so I gave mine away to hubby's friend so he could go.  It's probably not the best environment for me to be in right now anyway.  So, I will get to have a little time at home to myself.  My new computer desk is supposed to be ready to pick up today. If I can get home in time for hubby to carry the boxes in the house, I'll probably spend the evening putting that together and getting my stuff arranged the way I want it.  My office/computer area is starting to look much nicer.  I can't wait until it is all finished.  Then maybe I'll start working on the baby's room.

I have so much to do before the baby gets here.  I was getting my baby shower list together lastnight and looking up addresses for invitations and started thinking about all the things I need to get done before June.  Two of the most important things I have to do are find a pediatrition and get a baby-sitter lined up for when I go back to work.  I really dread having to find a baby-sitter.  Right now I just can't imagine leaving him with anyone else all day long.  It would be much easier if I had family or a friend that wanted to keep him, but everyone I know works and couldn't possibly survive on what I could pay for baby-sitting.  I have a list of names and I really need to start calling around.  You have to have them lined up way ahead of time around here.

Anyway, I seem to be rambling a bit.  That tends to happen when I just start writing without any clear ideas in my head.  I suppose I should get to work since I pretty much did nothing yesterday.  Have a great day! :)

I've said before that the smile of a child can take all your troubles away.  Sometimes it doesn't even take a smile.  Shortly after I posted that last entry, little Zachary started squirming and kicking around in my belly and he hasn't stopped since.  He totally changed the thoughts that I had in my mind.  Now all I can think about is how in just over 3 months from now, I will get to hold him in my arms and look into his little eyes.  He has already changed my life in so many ways.  I can't believe how much I already love a baby that hasn't even been born yet.  I can't believe how feeling him move around in my belly can take me from being down and depressed to happy and hopeful.  Sometimes I guess all I need is a little reminder.

"I can't live in the past and drown myself in memories" runs through my head over and over.  The line is in one of my favorite Shinedown songs and on days like today it will not leave me alone.  I don't know why but I feel down today.  I can't focus.  My mind wanders to a place that I left long ago.  A place that should be far from my mind, but it keeps coming back.  Perhaps it was a dream during my restless sleep that my mind is not ready to let go of.  I don't understand why it won't go away.  I don't understand why I feel the way I do today.  I'm tired.  I'm withdrawn.  I don't want to be around people.  I want to crank up some music and become lost in the rhythm but I can't find the right sound.  My mind will not rest, but that is all I really want.

I just spent about 10 minutes typing out a post and the one time I forget to copy it before I hit the publish button, I get the stupid "tblog will be back" message.

I'm irritated.  Have a good weekend everybody!

I just got back from a check-up at the doctor's office.  She says everything looks just great so far, which is exactly what I wanted to hear.  She is, however, sending me to a dermatologist for this itchy rash that I still have.  She couldn't determine what it was, but says it does not look like the typical "pregnancy rash" that the other doctor told me it was.  So tomorrow morning I get to go have my rashy skin looked at.  I'm just hoping they can finally give me some answers and something that will make it better!  I am so tired of itching!

I also scheduled my 3D sonogram for March 23.  I think it will be really fun to have it done.  Along with the scan you get a video tape, CD-rom, and 2 printed pictures.  My mom has said that if she can go along, she will help pay for part of it which would be pretty nice.  I think she is more excited than I am!

Whew!  I've been working hard this morning to get some things crossed off of my to-do list.  My mom is home sick this morning so I decided to get a couple projects done that required me to work in her office.  After running around the office for a while, I'm worn out.  I decided it was definitely break time for a few minutes.

I'm anxiously awaiting lunchtime today.  I've been looking for some small bookcases for a while and I finally found the ones I wanted at K-mart on sale for $13.99 each.  I need three of them to fit where I want them, so I'm gonna go see if they have them in stock during my lunch break.  I'm usually not much of a K-mart shopper, but it is the only place I've been able to find the size of shelves I want.  I'm really hoping they have them in stock so I can bring them home today.  Then all I have to do is find the computer desk I want and my little office area will be finished.  I've been saving my Christmas money until I find just the right desk to fit the room I use as my office area and so far I haven't found the right one.  Hopefully I can find it soon and finish that room off so I can focus more on the baby's room.

I don't like mondays--Tori Amos (I know it's a cover, but I'm not sure who originally recorded it.)

the silicon chip inside her head
gets switched to overload
and nobody's gonna go to school today
she's going to make them stay at home

and daddy doesn't understand it
he always said she was good as gold
and he can see no reason
'cause there are no reasons
what reason do you need to be shown

tell me why
i don't like mondays
tell me why
i don't like mondays
i don't like
i don't like
i don't like mondays
tell me why
i don't like mondays
i want to shoot
the whole day down, down, down
shoot it all down
heeyeea

and the playing stopped in the playground now
she wants to play with her toys a while
and school's out early and soon we'll be learning
the lesson today is how to die

and then the bullhorn cackles
and the captain tackles
with the problems and the how's and why's
and he can see no reason
'cause there are no reasons
what reason do you need to die, die, ohhh

tell me why
i don't like mondays
tell me why
i don't like mondays
i don't like
i don't like
i don't like mondays
tell me why
i don't like mondays
tell me why
i don't like mondays
i don't like
i don't like
i don't like mondays
ooohmmm
i don't like mondays...no...

i wanna to shoot
the whole day down
whole day...
whole day....
the whole day down

Yesterday was the one-year anniversary of my Grandfather's death.  It seems strange that it has been a year already.  To this day I can remember every emotion that ran through my body in those last couple of days.  It was as if time slowed down that day and everything that happened occured in slow motion.  I remember the phone call telling me that if we wanted to see him, we better get there soon.  I remember the shock upon seeing his face and his body that had withered away in only a few weeks since I had seen him last.  I remember hearing him trying to sing to his daughters the songs he sang to them when they were children.  I remember my nephew, only 4-years-old at the time, wanting to go in and see papa and the look of confusion on his face when he did.  I remember the peaceful look on his face when the last of the grandkids came in to tell him good-bye.  It seemed as if that was what he was holding on for.  I remember my family, cousins, aunts and uncles all leaning on each other in a way that we had never had to do before.  I remember the pain of seeing my mother trying to fight off uncontrollable tears.  I remember the emptiness in my heart when he was finally gone.  I remember sitting on the side of the bed holding my grandmother in my arms, the way you would hold a hurt child.  I remember needing my husband there with me and wanting nothing but to curl up in his arms and be comforted.  I remember trying to be the strong one, trying to keep everything together and help out however I could.  But, most of all, I remember how glad I was that I got to spend 26 years of my life knowing one of the most loving, caring, thoughtful people that ever walked this earth.

Rest in Peace Grandpa.  Your love and legacy will always live on in my heart.

I was listening to some Alice In Chains this morning and this song came on. It has always been one of my favorites. It is such a simple song, yet conveys so much emotion.

Don't Follow-Alice In Chains

Hey, I ain't never coming
Home
Hey, I'll just wander my
Own road
Hey, I can't meet you here tomorrow
Say goodbye don't follow
Misery so hollow

Hey you, you're livin'
Life full throttle
Hey you, pass me down that
Bottle, yeah
Hey you, you can't shake
Me round now
I get so lost and don't
Know how
And it hurts to care, I'm
Going down

Forgot my woman, lost my
Friends
Thinks I'd done and where
I've been
Sleep in sweat the mirrors
Cold
See my face it's growin'
Old
Scared to death no reason
Why
Do whatever to get me by
Think about the things I
Said
Read the page it's cold
And dead

Take me home

I've been thinking a lot lately about letting go. More specifically, letting go of people and places in my life. It has always been something that I have struggled with. I blame the struggle on my childhood. Moving every couple of years made it difficult to let go. Every time I finally felt settled somewhere it would be time to leave again. Time to let go of that part of my life and the people that were attached to it.

I've written before about my friend Jill. She was perhaps the best friend I have ever had in my life. I felt a closeness to her that I have never felt with anyone else. She chose to remove herself from my life without any explanation and to this day I still have no idea why. When I think of her, there is such pain in my heart. It often brings tears to my eyes because I just can't understand why she made this choice. I have tried many times to let go of her, to let go of the memories and the pain that they bring. There are pictures of her in my house that I can't bear to get rid of. There are subtle reminders everywhere I look of her and the good times we had together. Since I can't talk to her about it, there is no resolution to the feelings that I have. I cannot let her go.

Then, there is the ex-husband. Even though I made the choice to leave him, I have never been able to truly let go. Every so often I find myself wanting to talk to him, so I'll send him an e-mail or instant message. Even though we have both changed so much and moved on with our lives, there is still a connection there. In a lot of ways I feel like he knows me better than anyone else. We met when I was only 15 and he helped me make it through a lot of very difficult times in my life. He became a part of who I was. Even though our relationship didn't work out in the end, I have always felt like he should be in my life in some way. Perhaps it is selfish of me to think that way. I feel guilty for needing him. I feel that I'm betraying my husband by keeping this connection. Yet, I just can't let go. No matter how happy I am with the life I have now, I still think of him.

There are other people and places that I wish I could just let go of. I wish I could understand what it is about me that won't let me. I wish I could let go of the memories, the joy, and the pain that those people and places represent. I wish I could just let go of my past and start out with a clean slate. Since I know that isn't a possibility, I'm working on letting go a little at a time. I need to feel a sense of closure. I'm trying to focus on the present rather than the past. My life is changing in many ways. I feel like the birth of my son will be a new starting point. I don't want to forget my past. I just want to enjoy the present without feeling the pain of my past.

I'm trying desperately to motivate myself to work this morning and it's just not happening.  Today is about my least favorite day of the week because it is filled with completely mindless tasks that have to be done.  Sometimes I don't mind it much, but today I guess I just feel like doing something that uses my brain a little bit.  I guess I just need to crank up the tunes and get it done though.

Hubby has been sick the last couple days.  At first I just thought he was being a wimp (cause guys are like that when they are sick), but lastnight he was actually running a fever.  I feel bad for him cause I know how much it sucks to be sick.  However, if I hear one more moan escape his lips as he's laying on the couch trying to make me feel sorry for him, I think I'll scream.  He did say he was feeling much better this morning and his fever seems to be down, so hopefully he's over the worst of it.  Hopefully I won't catch whatever he has.  I've been coughing quite a bit today, which is exactly how his started out.

I spent lastnight working on my website, but it still isn't quite finished.  I need to update some of the content, plus I want to add a guestbook.  Back when I was using FrontPage for my webs, I had a guestbook and I loved looking to see who had been by.  But since I stopped using FrontPage, I haven't found a good script for a guestbook.  I've found a few that would work, but none that I really liked much.  If anyone has any ideas or good scripts let me know.  I want one that can be on my own server, not hosted elsewhere.  I'm just too lazy to try to write the script myself.

My baby shower has finally been scheduled.  It is going to be on April 23rd.  I'm getting so anxious to start buying stuff, but I want to wait until after the shower so I can make sure I spend my money on the stuff I really need.  I've also decided that since I got my raise last week, I'm going to take the extra pay from my next two checks and get one of the 3-D ultrasounds done.  I've seen pictures from other people's and they are very cool.  I love it that you can actually see the baby's face and what they will look like before they are born.  Plus, I think it will make a really cool keepsake for later.  I go to the doctor next week, so I should be able to schedule it then.  I'm really excited about that!

I suppose I should get back to my boring tasks sitting on my desk.  It is just too easy to get distracted!

I was reading Cutter's blog this morning and was inspired to make my own list of things that make life worth living.  Sometimes life gets so busy that we forget to stop and be thankful for those things that really matter.  What makes your life worth living?  Leave me a comment with your list.  Here's mine.

Top 5 things that make my life worth living:

1. The baby growing in my belly


2. Knowing that every night I get to go home to a husband that loves me and would give his life for me


3. Music 


4. My family and friends


5. Papa John's Hawaiian Barbeque Chicken pizza 

First off, I just want to say one more time that I love Rhapsody. I wanted to get out and buy the new Jack Johnson cd at lunch today but I ran out of time before I could swing by Best Buy. So, when I got back to work, I thought I would check and see if Rhapsody had it yet, and sure enough, they do. So, now I can listen to it all afternoon. I'm debating whether to just burn a copy or to wait and buy the cd at the store.

This morning I had a bit of a strange experience. I got up and showered, took the dog out and headed out to work as usual. But as I was pulling out of my garage, I noticed that there was a strange car in my driveway. There is a long drive that goes past my house and back to a big barn on the property. The car was parked just past where I turn in to my garage. Anyway, so there is a strange car parked there and I kinda freaked out. There was no one in the car at the time and I didn't see anyone walking around anywhere. This made me a little nervous because behind my house is all woods. Someone could easily be hiding there. I went ahead and left because if there was someone around, I didn't really want to run into them. I couldn't think of any reason why anyone would be there that early in the morning. I called hubby and he told me to call the police, so I called them and they said they would come check it out. I also called my mom, who called our maintenance guy. He said he would swing by and check things out. The car was gone by the time anyone got there to check it out, but I'm still just a little bit nervous about the whole thing. We don't really live in a great area of town and even though there are other houses around us, there is also about 80 acres of woods directly behind my house. Maybe I freaked out about nothing, but it really had me feeling funny for a while this morning.

And, finally, on to the guniea pig story. Friday afternoon I got to leave work early, which was nice since hubby's parents were here visiting. I went home and spent the afternoon sitting on the love seat (which is right next to the guniea pig cage) visiting with the in-laws. I remember noticing that the guniea pigs were being rather quiet, but didn't think anything of it really. A few hours later hubby got home and immediately noticed that one of the guniea pigs was dead. MY guniea pig was dead. I made him get a towel and pick her up to be sure and she was stiff as a board. I have no idea what killed her. She wasn't very old and seemed to be healthy. So, now we are down to only one pig left. We have been watching him very closely to make sure he is ok, and so far, he seems to be fine. I'm sure he is very lonely without her around. I'm not completelly heartbroken, because we have been thinking we wanted to find them a new home anyway. It is a little sad that she died though. I do kinda miss hearing her squeal when we open a bag of carrots.