drifting away...

Zach and I managed to get another day home by ourselves today. I woke up this morning with a really nasty, red, swollen up eye. When I first woke up I could barely even open it. Now the swelling has gone down a bit but it still hurts and is bright red. I'm just hoping it's not pink eye. I'm certainly not minding the time at home though. I was really dreading going into work today. On the bright side, I just finished cleaning out my closet and pulling out all of the stuff that is now TOO BIG! I think it is the first time I've ever had to do that and it felt pretty darn good.

Today Zachary turned seven months old. In the last month it seems like he has changed from a helpless infant into a very charming little man. In no time at all he learned to sit up, crawl, talk (well, he can say "dada" over and over and over again), pull himself up to a standing position, and even grew two teeth. He has learned to communicate when he wants to be picked up and when he wants to be put down. He responds when spoken to (usually with "dada") and looks up when you call his name. And seriously, this kid has the most amazing laugh I've ever heard. I could sit around for hours tickling him just to hear him laugh. I am so in love with him and even though I'm not sure it is even possible, I think my love for him gets stronger every day.

For the last few months, I've really been working on improving myself. First and foremost, I've been trying to lose the extra pounds that I've put on over the last 4 years while working my office job. Well, I have officially lost the "office job pounds" as I like to call them. As of Monday I have lost a total of 29.5 pounds since November 1st. If I count from my pre-pregnancy weight I have lost 41 pounds.

Here's my take on the new and improved Tblog.  I'm not completely sure about the improvements just yet.  There are some nice things like a choice of templates and more css control.  But my template that I worked hours on to create for the old Tblog is gone.  I do have a back up copy of it, but since it disappeared I have not been able to get back into the custom template page to put it back on.  I really miss MY template.

On the old Tblog there was a section where you could add your favorite blogs and then easily see by looking at the list who had updated.  That is where I kept up with my friends.  I did not have their blogs bookmarked in my browser because I could go to this list from any computer and catch up on everyone.  Now that list is gone.  If it is here somewhere, I can't find it.  I'm trying to bookmark everyone now, but I'm sure I'm missing a few people.  I really miss my favorites list.

On the old Tblog, there was a reply button in the comments so you could easily reply to someone who left you a comment and it would show up in their commnets list.  Now, that function is gone.  Of course, you can still leave them a reply by adding another comment, but as far as I can tell, they would have to go back to your blog and look at the comments to read the reply.  The "reply" feature was one of my favorite things about the old Tblog.  I miss being able to reply.

I'm hoping that as the Tblog team work through some of the kinks, maybe these things will come back but I kind of doubt it.  Maybe after I get used to it I won't mind it as much, but for now I have to say I'm just a little bit disappointed.  My biggest disappointment is that my template is gone, but hopefully in the future I'll be able to replace it.

I'm going to continue posting here for a while because I am curious to see how it all works out, but I'm not sure that I'll be back permanently.  I have so much more control over my other blog and I kind of like that control.

Why do I always seem to be more tired Monday morning than the rest of the week? Weekends are supposed to be relaxing, but as much as I hate Mondays, I actually look forward to things slowing down a bit. Rockstar Mommy recently posted an entry titled "Weekends Are For People Without Children". As I read that this morning I couldn't help but to think how true that statement was. Before Zach was born weekends were so relaxing. Now, it just seems like I'm running non-stop all weekend long and have to wait for Mo.ndays to relax

All of that aside, I did have a really great weekend. I did not get my taxes done, but that can wait. I did actually get a little time to myself though which was very much needed.

First of all, I just want to share that April (aka Sashasmomma) made it through surgery and is doing okay. You can read more about it on Alicia's blog. I'm really glad that the surgery went well and am wishing her a quick and healthy recovery.

My little brother gave me a copy of Dreamweaver lastnight. I am super excited about this because I've been wanting to get it for a long time. It will allow me to create my web sites much more quickly (as soon as I learn the program) because I won't have to spend so much time hand coding everything. So, if you've been waiting for something from me, I might be able to finish it a little more quickly now. My brother rocks!

Zach decided lastnight that he wanted to eat a pickle. I wasn't quite sure if he was ready for it yet, but he kept holding his hands out asking for it so I gave it to him and he absolutely loved it! I took some pictures and a video of him eating it. It is pretty cute. All the girls in the office were going nuts over it this morning.

I found out this morning that Zach's day care provider is pregnant. She's been trying for a while, so I'm really happy for her. It just makes day care arrangements a little more complicated. She plans on working right up until she has the baby, but I'm sure there will be days off for doctor's appointments and things. Then of course there will be a few weeks after she has the baby that I will have to find other arrangements. I really need to find a back-up sitter. I guess this will just push me a little more to find someone.

I suppose I should get back to work now. The weather is yucky out today so I'm gonna try to get out of here early if possible. Hopefully I'll stay home most of the weekend. I have an exciting day of doing my taxes on Saturday so I need to rest up!

I totally screwed up my pretty template. Guess I'll have to use one of these tblog ones for a while until I can get it fixed. :(

As of Tuesday I officially have another sister-in-law. Hubby's brother, the one in the Air Force who is stationed in Hawaii, got hitched! They just had a small ceremony and plan to have a big one this summer in Phoenix for family and friends to attend. We haven't even met his wife yet and just found out her name lastnight. But, it is great to have another family member. I'm really anxious to meet her this summer. Hopefully she's as cool as me...lol! Now, I must figure out a way to buy plane tickets to Phoenix...

So, the concert was great lastnight.  Shindown was definitely rockin' (not that I doubted them).  The opening band?  Not so much.  In fact, they pretty much just sucked.  When you play a show and the audience can't tell one song from the next, you definitely have some problems.  Oh, and if every song ends the exact same way, your audience will want to puke.  At least I'm hoping that's why the girl a couple of people over from us was puking.  I could have tolerated the opening act better if I would have been as drunk as most of the people there.  But, being completely sober and waiting for one of my favorite bands to play did not add up to me having much patience.  Fortunately, I did not have any sharp objects handy to shove in my ears and I can still hear (somewhat) today.

But, as I said, Shinedown was great.  They have quickly become one of my favorite bands to see live.  Not only do they put on a killer show, but they seem truly appreciative of the opportunity they have been given.  I love listening to Brent explain the stories behind their songs.  I love watching Jason play his guitar.  I love their energy and love for the music.  I just love all of them as a band. 

I also really liked the venue they played at.  It was the first time I have been there.  It was at a new club that just opened up at one the casinos nearby.  It was a pretty cool place to catch a show.  In fact, I liked it so much I'm considering trying to get some people together to help me celebrate my birthday there in a few weeks.  It could be fun.

It was actually kinda nice to get out of the house with hubby for a little bit too.  I wish we could have made it a longer night, but since it was the middle of the week we had to go straight home after the concert.  We got home just before 11:00 I think.  Then, Zach decided not to sleep lastnight so I'm running on pretty low fuel today.  But, it was worth it.  I really did enjoy myself and I have a major urge to go home and pick up my guitar tonight.

Note: This was posted yesterday on my other blog.

Here's one more answer from the question meme I posted last week:

Cagey asked: What would you do if you knew you could not fail?

If I knew I could not fail, I would quit my job and open my own web design business. It is something I have wanted to do for a long time because I love to design web sites. The problem is, I don't know enough about web design to do it all on my own. I can create a simple web page or blog template, but when you get into the complicated stuff I just start feeling stupid. I really want to take a few classes to get myself up to speed, but right now, time and money are both an issue.

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Because it flows nicely with Cagey's question, I wanted to write a bit about my web designing. I am finally starting to get back into it a bit. I promised many, many months ago that I would start working on a site for my church and I haven't even begun. My dad asked me about it again on Sunday and I promised to get the ball rolling on it. I was also asked by a friend a few weeks ago about doing a site for his new band. I haven't heard back from him on it yet, but that would be fun to do.

I'm really hoping to get a cheap copy of Dreamweaver for my birthday next month which would really help speed up the design process. Of course, then I probably need a book to help me learn Dreamweaver as well. And, those things cost money that I don't have.

In other news, I am finally going to the Shinedown concert that has now been re-scheduled twice. The show is actually happening tonight and I'm getting kind of excited about it. The last time I saw them I was about 3 or 4 months pregnant with Zach and had absolutely no energy. Hopefully I'll have more fun this time. It also is the first time hubby and I have been out together in a VERY long time.

Also, Zach's day care is now down to only 6 kids again due to some recent developments which I couldn't be more thrilled about. I hope now that he will get a little more attention and not have to sit alone and cry. His day care provider is also seeming a little less stressed which I think is a very good sign. Well, this entry was very rushed, but I wanted to get those things out. Must get back to work!

Here are the answers to the questions I've been asked so far. These were posted both at my old blog site and my new one, so I've combined all the questions into one post.

Jen asked: what do you consider your greatest talents? how deep does your creative side run??

Sure Jen, stump me on the first question. I'm not really sure what I would consider my greatest talents. If asked that question a few years ago, my answer would have been my intelligence. I was always a straight-A student and I thought I was pretty darn smart. Then I realized that being smart really wouldn't get my anywhere so now I'm not so sure, plus I don't feel so smart anymore. My other talents that I consider to be great are my ability to play music (when I apply myself) and my creativity.

I have a creative side that I have been trying to explore more and more over the last few years. I'm not creative in that I'm a really great artist or writer or anything specific. But, I do have a creative side that I can apply to most anything I do. My main focus of creativity recently has been designing web pages. I love creating web pages because I can use my creative side to make the page look pretty and I get to use my brain in figuring out the code to make it all work right. If I could only get a few hours to myself I could start doing that again!

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El Santo asked: What is in your CD's players right now? What is the best concert you ever saw? The best and worst places you ever lived, and why?

You will probably laugh, but right now in my cd player is Carrie Underwood-Some Hearts. A friend loaned me a copy and I kinda dig it. She was my favorite American Idol from last season. There are a couple of songs on there that hit close to home and make me all emotional, which is just the way I like it.

The best concert I've ever seen? That's such a hard question because I've seen so many. Can I give a list? Well, I'm going to anyway.
Dave Matthews Band (from the front row)
Pearl Jam (either the first KC show or Knoxville, it's a toss up)
Alabama (the Farewell Tour)
Sarah McLachlan (the first time I saw her in Omaha)
Shinedown/Silvertide (first time I saw them at a small club in KC)
Tom Petty (first real concert without parents, plus a special someone surprised me with tickets which made it even better)

The best place I ever lived was a small town in northern Missouri. In my opinion, I had the best 3 years of my life there. I met my first real boyfriend, my first husband, and my lifelong best friend there. It was also the first place that I ever felt like I fit in.

The worst place I ever lived was in a suburb of KC, where I moved after that small town in northern Missouri. I had to leave all of my friends and the love of my life behind. The school I attended was very racially biased (not toward my race) and I fell into probably the deepest depression I have ever been in. This is also where I lived when my family started falling apart which was pretty hard to deal with.

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Almsthvn asked: How did you come to choose your nickname? What is hard to imagine? Who is your favorite aunt/uncle and why?

The nickname Hardtoimagine came from the song title Hard To Imagine by Pearl Jam. When I was setting up my first blog I has just purchased the Lost Dogs cd and had it in constant rotation in my cd player. The line in the song "things were different then, all is different now, i tried to explain, somehow..." reminds me of a certain period in my life so Hardtoimagine was born. Here are the rest of the lyrics if you are curious:

paint a picture, using only gray
light your pillow, lay back, watch the flames
i'll tell a story, no one would listen that long
it's hard to imagine, it's hard to imagine...
tear into yourself, count tales on your arm
ah the beating, tickin' like a bomb
after having seen all that they saw
it's hard to imagine, it's hard to imagine...
things were different then, all is different now
i tried to explain, somehow...
things were different then, all is different now
i tried to explain, somehow...
things were different then, all is different now
i tried to explain, i hope this works somehow...
things were different then, all is different now
i tried to explain, oh, somehow...
ooh...oh...oh...

When I was a kid, my favorite Aunt & Uncle (my dad's brother) were the ones that lived in Virginia. They would come to visit every summer and always brought us presents when they came. When they were here we would always do fun stuff like go to baseball games and amusement parks so for me that translated into them being my favorites.

Now that I'm older (and wiser) my favorite is my Aunt Barb. She is one of the most down-to-earth and loving people I have ever known. She has raised 7 kids (the youngest is 16 now) in a very small house and on a small budget. She is the one that always wants to get the family together and when we are together we have the best times. I have watched her work her way up from a Wal-Mart cashier to a computer programmer for a large hospital and couldn't be more proud of her accomplishments.

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Alicia asked: Where do you see yourself in 20 years? What is your favorite book/movie? Who is the first person you call when the going gets tough? What is your "comfort food"?

Twenty years from now I imagine I will be getting ready for an "empty nest". My kids (I'm assuming I'll have more than one) will be growing up and venturing out on their own. Hopefully I will own a home in a nice suburb on the Kansas side of the city. If I'm lucky, I will be preparing to finish out my working years by baby-sitting my grandchildren (well, maybe more like 25 years from now for that part).

It is hard to choose a favorite book, but probably the one that made the most lasting impression on me was When Rabbit Howls by Truddi Chase. I read it for one of my Psych classes in college and I'll never forget it.

My favorite movie would probably have to be 50 First Dates. I absolutely love Adam Sandler! I wouldn't mind waking up every morning and having him try to make me fall in love with him all over again!

I really don't have anybody I call when the going gets tough. I'm more of a writer than a talker. I either blog it or just write it out on paper and then rip it up. It usually makes me feel better. But, if someone such as my mom or one of my friends happens to call at just the right time, they will get an ear full. I also have a friend that I talk to over IM. If I can catch him, he's usually my first choice to talk to.

My "comfort food" is PIZZA! Specifically, Papa John's Hawaiian Barbeque pizza. I'm pretty sure I could eat my weight in the stuff. In fact, I could really use some now...

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I'm having a great time answering all these questions, so feel free to ask more and I'll post another set of answers.

I've been trying to resist the temptation, but this just seems like fun.  I've seen it on several other sites and you guys are asking some great questions.  I decided I had to try it too.  So, ask away and I'll answer as best as I can.

The problem with blogs: we all think we are so close, but we really don't know as much as we'd like to think we do about each other. So I want you to ask me something you think you should know about me. Something that should be obvious, but you have no idea about: childhood particulars? physical traits? relationship stuff? education? Ask away. Then post this in your blog and find out what people don't know about you.

Does anybody know of a way that I can get paid to read blogs? I'm pretty sure I could become a millionaire overnight and solve all of my financial issues. I could even get paid for doing two jobs at once!

I would love to make money from my blog like Dooce but I'm just not that talented and not that many people are interested in my life. Although, I do think that Zach is almost as cute at Leta.

I'm seriously wanting to look into some part-time work from home type of opportunities. If anyone has any suggestions please let me know.

Thanks to everybody for the comments and e-mails on my last post.  Today I am in a much better place.  I still have issues to resolve, but I am feeling slightly better about my situation.  I had a nice IM conversation with a friend that helped to ground me a little.  Then, I went home and snuggled up with Zach for a couple hours.  I think that is the best therapy in the world.  I'm pretty sure he could fix anything (at least temporarily).

I really do need to put some thought into the direction my life is heading.  If I'm not happy now, I know I won't be happy years from now unless I do something to change my situation.  I have looked into some work at home opportunities, but until we are in a better financial situation, I am afraid to take a chance and fail.  Between diapers, baby food, and day care we are barely scraping by and any loss of income would be very detrimental. 

I also plan to start looking around for a different 9-5 job, but as much as I hate my current job, I hate change even more and it scares me.  Plus, I really don't know what I want to do.  There are things I would love to do, but I don't have the education or experience necessary to get a job in that field which is frustrating.  I also don't have the time or money to go back to school.

I want to start looking around for other day care options for Zach also.  Once again, the finances hold me back.  I would like to have him closer to my office, but the day care costs in that area are much higher than what I am currently paying.  Of course my child's welfare is much more important than saving a few bucks, but we really cannot afford much more at this point.  I do want to have a back-up plan in case I decide that I really do need to move him.

I didn't write too much about it in my last post, but I also need to work a bit on my marriage.  I won't go into detail, but there are definitely some things that need some work.  I think that I've been using Zach as an excuse to avoid these things for quite a while now and I want to stop doing that.  I do love my husband, but marriage takes work and I haven't been putting much into it for the last couple years (which is sad since we've only been married for about 3 1/2 years).

Besides all of those things, I really need to find a way to get some time to myself.  I need some time to clear my head.  I need some time to catch up on some hobbies, work out, and just chill.  Sometimes I just feel like I am so needed by everyone else that I can't have that time for me.  When I'm not taking care of Zach I'm taking care of my husband, or the house, or I have to run errands, or I'm doing favors for somebody.  Hopefully when things get caught up at work I can take a personal day off just to be by myself.  I think the only time I have to myself now is my 10 minutes in the shower every morning and, while it is nice, it just isn't enough.

I'm not big into making New Year's resolutions, but I think in 2006 I will try to take charge of my life, make some changes, and make it the life I want.  I don't know exactly how I'm going to do it but I feel optimistic right now.  I know if I can make one change at a time that little by little I will start feeling better about things.  I may need help and I may stumble along the way, but I'm going to try.

I may change my mind tomorrow, but today I think I can do it.

Today is not a good day in my world.  There are so many things happening, but for most of the day so far I've been about 2 seconds away from tears. 

It all started when I woke up this morning.  Zach usually sleeps through my shower and then after I get dressed I get him up, dress him, and give him breakfast before running out the door.  Well, today he decided to wake up early.  I was able to distract him with Blue's Clues long enough to get a quick shower, but he was crying by the time I got out.  Every time I tried to put him down he just started crying and holding his arms out to me.

Normally, I could just let him cry for a few minutes, but he is teething, has an ear infection, and a cold that refuses to go away.  I know he isn't feeling too swell and I just can't leave him there crying when I know all he wants it to be held.  So, I picked him up and held him while I tried to get dressed, take the dog out, and get everything ready to go.  Finally, more than an hour and a half later, we finally got out the door and headed to day care.

I've been having some issues with his day care for a little while now. It's nothing really major, but I think his day care provider has taken on too many kids.  He goes to a home day care so there is only one adult there.  Obviously, the more kids she watches the less attention she has to give to Zach.  Last week she told me that Zach sat in a bouncer seat in her bedroom for over an hour just crying because she couldn't figure out what was wrong with him.  Babies cry.  I get that. But, Zach does not cry like that unless there is something really wrong with him.  He is one of the most content babies I have ever been around.  Usually if he is really crying, something is hurting, he's really tired, or he just really wants to be held.  It just isn't his nature to sit around and cry for no reason.

So, I get to day care to drop him off this morning and she has three new kids there.  Two of them are there only for a week as emergency care and the other will be a permanent addition.  As I said, she already has too many kids in my opinion.  With the three new ones this morning, it was total chaos in the house.  Zach had already been having a rough morning and it was all I could do to leave him there.  I stayed as long as possible and then had to make myself walk out the door.  By the time I got to the car I had tears in my eyes.  I can't stand the thought of him sitting there crying while she is too busy with the other kids.

Perhaps I'm making too much of it.  Other kids go to day care and live through it.  I know that for the most part he is getting good care.  I know his diapers get changed and he gets fed when he is hungry.  But, I'm not the type of parent that can just sit back and let a baby cry it out.  It completely breaks my heart when he is crying and I can't fix it.  That's what mommies are for, right?  They are supposed to fix whatever is wrong.  And, when I'm not there, his day care provider should be taking my place.  She should be the fixer.

Sometimes I think it is my own inadequacies that I fear.  I feel like I should be with him and not be shoving him off to some day care provider all day.  I always dreamed of being a stay at home mom.  But, because of the choices I've made in my life, that is no longer possible.  This is certainly not the life I wanted, but it is nobody's fault but my own.   I made my choices and now I have to live with it.  I hate the fact that Zach may be missing out on the life I wanted to give him. 

It makes it even harder that I have to leave him to go to a place that I totally despise.  I stay here because of the flexibility that it offers, but sometimes I wonder if it is even worth it.  I feel like I barely have any time to spend with Zach.  I have even less time with my husband, although that part doesn't bother me so much these days.

My life is so far from being what I always dreamed of.  I suppose in a way I am just a big disappointment to myself.  Zach brings an incredible amount of joy to my life.  I love that child with every ounce of my being.  I suppose if this is the life I have to live so that I can have him it is worth it.  I just wish that there was some way I could make a change and ensure that he wouldn't get hurt in the process.  But, for now, I don't know what that would be.  So, I'll keep my tears to myself and try to look happy on the outside.  I would love to snatch Zach up and run away from it all, but I know I can't do that either.

Hopefully, the internet will help keep me sane.  Oddly enough, it's about the only place I feel safe spilling my guts.  There is no one I can talk to about the intimate details of my life except for the internet and the people that don't know me personally.  The sad part is that what I've written today barely even scratches the surface.  There is so much more hiding within me. 

I posted this at my other blog, but decided I may as well post it here too.  No reason everyone shouldn't be able to read about my personal struggles, huh?  Seriously, with the promise of better things to come here on tblog, I think I'll start double posting for a while and see how it goes.  I do miss my tblog.