drifting away...

 

BEFORE

AFTER

Posted by hardtoimagine

(originally written March 26, 2006) 

Dear Zachary,

Today you turned nine months old. Up until now, things have been relatively easy with you. When a mom chooses to have a baby, they understand that there will sometimes be bad days. But, when you have nine months of having a mostly pleasant, cheerful baby and then three days of having a baby who completely tests your patience it kinda throws you for a loop. The last three days (all on the weekend of course) have been, um, let's just say...unpleasant. I'm totally blaming it on the teething right now, but even I don't believe that's all it is. I only hope that we can find a middle ground sometime soon or I am certain that I will go completely crazy.

I don't blame you too much for being on edge because the last month has been anything but normal in our lives. The day after your 8-month birthday your daddy got a very sad phone call. We found out that day that your Uncle Josh had died. The news was quite a shock to me and Daddy. We packed up everything we needed and left the next morning to go to Louisiana to be with our family. Mommy's boss was very nice and let us take the company plane down there so you got to experience your very first airplane ride.

Even though we were there for such a sad occasion, it was really nice to see all of Daddy's family again. You got to meet your Uncle Matt and Aunt Maria for the first time. Just between you and me, I think you charmed the socks off of them. We even went to a Mardi Gras parade, which was a first for Mommy too. When we headed back home, everyone came to the airport to see us off. We kinda felt like rock stars haivng such a crowd there (Daddy really liked that part).

I spent a lot of time that week thinking about how much Uncle Josh loved you and how much he enjoyed holding you and playing with you. I wish that you were old enough to remember those times, but I know you aren't. They are wonderful memories for me however, and some day I will get to share those with you.

Right after we got back from Louisiana, for some reason you started sleeping. I don't know how or why because you barely slept the week before. The day we got home you decided to give Mommy and Daddy a great present and slept ALL NIGHT LONG. Since then, it comes and goes. Some nights you sleep all night and other nights you wake up around 3:00 or 4:00 wanting a bottle...yes, I said bottle.

That is another big change that we have recently made. As of this week, we are officially done with the whole breastfeeding thing. I had been gradually reducing the number of feedings and replacing them with bottles of formula, but all of a sudden you busted out a couple of teeth and I quickly figured out that teeth and boobs don't mix well. You now have two teeth on the top and two on the bottom and they are all quite sharp. Last weekend you started getting frustrated when you were nursing and I figured out that you just weren't getting enough milk from me anymore. On Monday, I decided that it really wasn't worth trying anymore and started fixing you bottles instead. You didn't seem to miss it much until today when were wanting comforting and grabbed at my shirt.

Speaking of needing comfort, for some reason you decided that you wanted to try out the stairs at day care last week. I got a call from Aliesha right after I got to work one day saying that I needed to come pick you up. Apparently one of the other kids had taken down the baby gate and you decided it would be fun to take a tumble down the stairs. You were very lucky and only ended up with a small cut in your mouth. I looked you over for a couple of days and didn't find a single bruise on your body. So when you started heading for the stairs at Grandpa's house today I may have overreacted just a little bit and yelled a little too loud. You just move entirely too fast.

Even after nine months, you still have me so intrigued every day. I could sit and watch you forever just to see what you are going to do next. Today I sat you down in a laundry basket and pushed you around the floor while you laughed and laughed. For a few seconds I forgot just how cranky you had been all day.

You are growing up so fast that I can barely keep up. It is amazing that you have learned so much in only nine short months. Today I held a baby that was only one week old and was reminded just how far you have come. Just thinking of it now almost brings a tear to my eye...almost.

Every day that I am with you I am so thankful that God chose me to be your mother. You are so perfect (even when you are cranky). I don't think a minute goes by that I don't think about you in some way. I hope that you never, ever forget how much I love you.

Love,
Mama

• I have officially become an absent-minded mom.  No less than three times this week (including today) I have forgotten to put on my deoderant.  It's not like I am doing anything real physical or that it is actually warm enough outside to make me sweat, but it irritates me that I forgot it.  You see, I have a routine that I do every morning.  I have a certain order that I do things in.  Obviously, if I am forgetting something that important, my routine is not going as planned.  I'm not OCD or anything, but this is just really bugging me.  But, at least I remembered to get dressed.  That could have been a big problem.
  
  
• Since I arrived at work this morning (almost 30 minutes late due to gabbing at day care drop off) my mother has been interuppting me every 5-10 minutes to bitch about something.  Mostly, she is bitching about the same things that she already bitched about yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that.  I'm so tired of hearing it.  You can't argue with her or give her a different opinion becuase she'll just tell you why you are wrong.  Plus, it draws out the conversation even longer.  There are sometimes advantages to working with my mom, but other times she makes me want to pull my hair out.  Today would be one of those days.  I've been here for two hours and haven't accomplished a single thing yet.  And, I was really hoping to get off early today.
  
  
• I had a really strange dream lastnight.  I remember very little detail about it, but it left me with a very unsettled feeling.  All I can remember about it was that we were in Louisiana, there was a funeral, and for some reason my husband was with another woman.  I went up to him at one point and asked him to hug me and told him that I wasn't ready to let him go yet.  He hugged me tight and did not let go.  Then I woke up.  I wish I could remember more of it.  It left me with a totally disturbed feeling.  A few minutes later, Zach woke up wanting a bottle.  After that I just couldn't get back to sleep because I kept thinking about the dream and trying to remember more details.  I still can't seem to get it off my mind.

I've been doing really well on my diet so far this week.  Well, until today anyway.  I gave in to temptation and had one of these for lunch. Every single bite was worth it...even if I gain back the pound and a half that I've lost this week.

Today started out like any other weekday.  Zach (thankfully) slept all night, which means that I slept all night so I got up on time, showered and quickly got ready for work.  We actually left on time for a change.  I dropped Zach off at day care and went on to work. 

Here's where the fun part started.  About 20 minutes after I got to work my phone rang.  For some reason, no caller ID showed up, so I picked up the phone not sure what to expect.  As soon as I said hello the voice on the other end said, "You need to come pick Zach up right now.  He fell down the steps and he seems ok but you better have him checked."  So, I said I would be right there and rushed out the door to go get my baby. 

On the way there, which is about a 10-15 minute drive, I'm thinking of all kinds of terrible awful things that I think could happen to a kid that falls down a big flight of stairs.  Then I started picturing all the movie scenes I've seen where someone falls down a flight of stairs and snaps their neck and dies.  By the time I got there I was totally in a panic, not sure exactly what I was going to see.

Of course I had really over-dramatized things in my head.  When I got to day care, I could see him sitting in the high chair in the kitchen playing with some toys.  He had a cut in his mouth that had already stopped bleeding.  He was a little fussy, but otherwise seemed just fine.  I packed him up, stopped at the house to grab the diaper bag and a bottle and brought him to work with me.

I haven't gotten a whole lot of work done today, but I do have to say thank God for noggin.com or I wouldn't have gotten anything done at all.  All I had to do was turn on the Jack's Big Music Show videos and he was entertained.  We went out for lunch with my mom, and now he is all snuggled up sleeping in his stroller.  Hopefully I'll get at least another hour out of that nap to get some work done.  Ugh, he's starting to squirm.  So much for that hour.

I am getting so pumped up for the May 2nd release of Pearl Jam's new album. It has been a while since I really got anxious for a cd release.  My music tastes tend to change frequently, week to week, day to day, or sometimes even by the hour, but one band that I never get tired of is Pearl Jam.

When I first heard the new single, Worldwide Suicide,&n bsp;I had a hard time listening to the lyrics because of what had just recently happened.  The line "Could not stop staring at the Face I'd never see again" haunted me for several days.  Now that some time has gone by and I have listened to the song many more times, hearing the word "suicide" doesn't bother me quite as much.  I can now appreciate it for what it is, a kick-ass new PJ song.  A friend also e-mailed me the track "Unemployable" which I totally dig. 

I am now totally jealous of that friend because he is going all the way to New York to see a PJ show in June and I'll be sitting at home just wishing I was there.  I keep remembering how much fun I had on the road trip to Knoxville to see PJ when I was in college.  It doesn't get much better than 4 friends trecking across the country to see their favorite band.  Perhaps someday I'll share that story (and maybe even scan some pictures), but it was one of the most fun trips I have ever taken.

Those kind of road trips are now pretty much out of the question being that I have a husband who is *gasp!* not a PJ fan (I try to keep that on the down low as much as possible) and a baby to take care of.  Hubby has been informed however, that I will be going to the KC show with or without him, assuming that they do in fact come to KC and that it is not during the time that we will be out of town.

I recently heard through the grapevine that one of my exes and his wife are expecting a baby.  I honestly couldn't be more happy for him.  I always pictured him being a really great father.  He was my first really serious boyfriend in high school and my first true love.  He was the first boy I ever imagined myself married to, as well as the first I ever imagined having babies with.  I think I even had those imaginary babies' names picked out.  He also picked on me constantly, which for some strange reason, made me like him even more.

It is odd that even after so many years I can still care so deeply about someone who I barely even know now.  I'm the kind of person that once I love you, I will always love you, regardless of how things turn out in the end...even if you dump me because I'm not willing to put out.  Hey, who am I to question a 16-year-old boy's motives?  Well, maybe that wasn't the whole reason, but I'm pretty sure that had something to do with it.  I have always wondered a little bit what would have happened if I would have given in.

We have kept in touch here and there, although over the last few years it has really gotten to be only an e-mail every six months or so, maybe less.  I even went to visit him and his wife a few years ago.  Hubby just happened to be working where the ex lived and we got together with him and his wife for dinner.  It was only a little bit weird with his wife and my future hubby sitting next to us.  I had a great time seeing him.  Looking straight into his eyes still made me squirm a little bit even after so many years had gone by.

This summer is supposed to be our 10-year high school reunion and even though I ended up moving before graduation, I was planning on attending.  However, I just found out the date for it and it just happens to be the same time that we were planning to go on vacation.  The vacation can't be re-scheduled because part of the vacation is going to Phoenix for hubby's brother's wedding.  The rest of the time we are spending with hubby's parents.  Given the recent circumstances, I think the time with his parents is extremely important.

I was really hoping to see him at the reunion, along with a few other people that I have lost touch with over the years.  I'm a little bummed now that I won't get to see them.  Personally, I think that they should re-schedule the whole reunion for me, but I guess that's a bit too much to ask for someone who didn't really even graduate there. 

Perhaps somewhere along the way our paths will meet again someday, but I'm not holding my breath.  I guess an e-mail every six months or even every year will have to do.  But, he has been notified that if I don't receive some baby pictures I will make the 3 1/2 hour drive and kick his ass!

 

As I got out of the shower this morning I could hear Zach screaming.  He has recently decided that if mommy is more than two feet away from him that it is just entirely too far.  I knew the screaming would stop as soon as I picked him up, but also that once I picked him up there was no putting him down unless I wanted the screaming to commence again.  So I stuck a pacifier in his mouth as I rushed around trying to get dressed and make myself presentable for work.

I went to my closet, grabbed a pair of jeans and a shirt, threw them on, and then sat down to put on my shoes.  As I sat, I caught a glimpse of myself in the full-length mirror next to my closet and thought, "Damn, I look good!"

I honestly don't remember ever feeling that way about myself before.  As I have mentioned before, I have always felt like I was fat, whether I was or not.  The shirt I put on this morning has not been worn for probably two years, if not more.  The last time I wore it I couldn't even button it, it was so tight.  I used to always wear it open with a tank top under it.  Even the sleeves fit tightly on my arms.  It has a little bit of stretch to it, so it still worked and didn't look too bad (or so I thought at the time).  Today I put it on and buttoned it up without even giving it a second thought.  When I saw myself in the mirror, I was amazed at how loosely it fit. 

I have really been beating myself up lately because I have been totally slacking on the dieting.  There has been so much happening in my life in the last couple of months that it has been near impossible to control exactly what I am eating.  I finally got back on track last week and re-lost 3 of the pounds that I've been fighting with during that time.  As of today, I am back down to the weight that I was 6 weeks ago, with a total loss since November 1st of 31.5 pounds.

What surprises me the most, even though I still have a long way to go before I reach my goal, is that for the first time in my life I really feel comfortable with my weight.  Ten years ago I would have thought that I was huge at this weight, but I'm not a teenager anymore.  I am quickly nearing 30 years old.  My metabolism has most likely slowed way down.  I have a beautiful baby boy that I carried and gave birth to.  My body is not the body of an 18-year-old girl and I am satisfied with that.

I do plan to continue the diet and try to reach my goal.  That will require me to lose another 26 pounds yet.  If I feel this good now, I can't wait to see how good I feel then.   If it weren't for those nasty stretch marks and the jiggly baby tummy that Zach left me with, I might have even considered buying a bikini to wear at the lake this summer!

I've been afraid to say anything because I'm really scared that I might jinx everything.  So, I'm not going to tell you that Zach has been sleeping through the night on a pretty regular basis for about a week and a half now.  Or, that lastnight he slept for an amazing 11 hours straight without a single peep out of him.  I certainly can't tell you how my body is reacting to the whole getting to sleep thing and that the more sleep I get the more I want.  And, no, it sure isn't me who has been falling asleep at 9:00 or 9:30 every night and actually sleeping until 6:30 the next morning.



I'm also not going to tell you that I am almost done with the whole breastfeeding thing.  That would make me too sad.  Not sad in that I want to continue breastfeeding, but sad because he just doesn't seem to need it anymore.  Sure, he still yanks on my shirt when he is hungry, but that's just because he has learned to tell me like that.  He's perfectly happy with a bottle...or sometimes even a sippy cup...of formula.  I will miss that quiet bonding time with him.



I'm not going to tell you how my baby is almost 9 months old and is not very baby-like anymore except for the fact that he cannot speak in full sentences or walk upright without holding onto something.  And, I'm not going to tell you how sad it makes me that he is getting so big and has a mind of his own.  I don't want to admit how he no longer needs all of the snuggling and cuddling that we used to do because he would rather be in the floor playing with his piles and piles of toys.  I don't want to talk about how he has become such a picky eater and I can't just shove a jar of mashed up baby food down him in ten minutes when I'm in a hurry.  I definitely am not going to talk about how watching him learn to be more independent almost has me in tears.

So, I'm not going to tell you all about any of that.  You'll just have to wait until I'm ready.

Over the last couple of days I have read many blogs talking about the coming of spring and I just can't help but get excited. We got a little taste of it over the weekend and I want it back! Spring to me is all about renewal. I love seeing the trees and flowers blooming, the grass turning green, and the sun shining brightly. It gives me an energy that I don't have at any other time of year. Oh yeah, then of course there is this too.

Saturday was an absolutely beautiful day here. I woke up with the sun shining through my bedroom windows and started the day in a great mood. We lounged around the house for a bit and then when I just couldn't stand it anymore I had to get outside and experience the nice weather. For the first time EVER (well, in a very, very, long time anyway) I actually convinced hubby to go for a walk with me. We put Zach in the stroller and walked around the neighborhood. It felt great to be outside and Zach really enjoyed it.

While we were strolling around, we decided to have a spur of the moment get-together with some friends. We called up my sister and a couple of other friends and invited them over for a barbeque. We had a great time eating, drinking, and visiting. Then we all settled down and watched the movie "Just Friends" which was hilarious. (I broke down and allowed myself to drink 4 absolutely wonderful margaritas. They are totally off-limits with my diet since one 12 oz. margarita is more than half of my daily point intake, but damn they tasted good!)

There is always a bad side of spring also, which we experienced this weekend as well. Living in the midwest, you just can't escape the possibility of thunderstorms and tornados. Sunday was proof of that. Fortunately, our area and all of my family and friends were spared. Hubby was on call for work and was out most of the day due to downed power lines and such. He was amazed at some of the destruction he saw in Lawrence and other areas. He has lived through hurricanes but was still surprised at the damage that was caused by the storms.

Unfortunately, the storms brought the cold back and I'm now anxiously awaiting the return of the Spring weather. I'm a little bummed out, but I known that the cold won't last much longer. I'm ready for flip-flops, tank tops, and sunshine. I can't wait for afternoons in the park, having a drink on the patio, barbeques, baseball, and letting Zach play in the grass. It's just around the corner.

If there is one thing I have learned in the last 2 weeks, it is that when you are hurting words of encouragement from friends and loved ones can help to ease the burden on your heart.  In the days preceding and following my brother-in-law's funeral so many people offered kind words and thoughts to our family.  I tried to stay strong for my husband, his brother, their parents, and my sister-in-law and help them to work through the grief they were facing.  I tried to be as encouraging and loving as I possibly could for them.  Of course I was grieving also, but I like to think that my strength helped to hold them up at a time when they really needed the support.

When we returned home Friday afternoon I felt numb.  I was exhausted from the week and I guess things were finally starting to sink in a little bit.  Over the weekend I had a really hard time getting my mind off of what had happened.  Even on Monday, the reality of the situation still hadn't completely sunk in.  As the week goes on, I think each day I am processing a little bit more.

I don't really know if you ever completely recover from a heartache such as I have experienced.  A good friend helped me to realize that even though it pains us that he is gone, regardless of the circumstances, it was his time to go.  I am sure that somewhere, somehow, something good will come out of his death and we will most likely never know what that is.

I am finally starting to feel like I am ready to move on.  My life needs to return to some kind of normalcy.  Hubby and I have started getting back to our regular routine.  There is a closeness between us now that has been missing for quite some time.  This experience has really pulled us together.  Our love for each other and for Zach is fiercer than ever before. 

I am feeling like writing again.  The last couple of posts felt forced.  I felt like I needed to write, but it was hard to get the words out.  This post has flowed quite easily.  I have been reminded once again of how strong the blogging community is.  Even though I don't have a huge amount of readers, those that do read regularly know me.  Your comments this week have helped to comfort and encourage me in so many ways.  I may not have replied to all of them, but every single comment was appreciated.

After everything that happened last week I find myself thinking that the things I write here are just so insignificant.  I find myself wanting to write so many things but the words will not come.  My life has changed so much in one short week.  I cannot even begin to describe how I'm feeling right now.  Perhaps in time the words will come, but until then I suppose I will continue with the insignificant daily drivel that has become my blog.

One highlight of last week was that I finally attended my very first Mardi Gras parade and tasted my first King Cake.  The parade was a small one in my hubby's hometown and nothing compared to the New Orleans parades, but we had a decent time considering the circumstances of the week.  We arrived in Louisiana early Tuesday morning and by that afternoon hubby was needing to get out of the house for a bit and get his mind off of the situation we were facing.  So, we loaded Zach up in the stroller and walked down to the parade.  The parade was nice, but mostly just a distraction for us.  Here are a few pics from the parade:

On February 23rd, 2006 my Brother-in-law turned 27 years old. On February 27th, he chose to end his life. There are so many questions and very few answers as to why he made that choice. Right now, it still feels like a very bad dream that I will wake up from. I know in my head that it is real and I have to deal with it, but it is so hard. I loved him so much and he is gone forever. Today I'm back at work, but it just doesn't feel right to be here. Everything is different now. Everyone else is the same, but I am different and I just don't know how to go on.